Dear Gianna

Q: "I have been in a relationship for one year. My boyfriend asked me to move in with him, as things are getting pretty serious. I have met his family, and he has met mine. We love each other very much. However, all my friends criticize me because they don’t understand where I am coming from. During the year I spent with my boyfriend, I had another relationship for two months. Since that ended, I have been dating another guy for three months. My friends say that I am cheating, but I am not. I am polyamorous and don’t think I should change who I am to fit society’s standards. They say I should tell my boyfriend about my other partners, but he wouldn’t understand. He wants a monogamous relationship, and I love him very much and want to be with him, but I can’t give him monogamy. So what am I doing wrong? If he doesn’t know, it won’t hurt him."

A: I understand where you are coming from, but at the same time, both you and your friends have a point.

I think you are perfectly right when you say that you should not try to fit into society’s expectations by changing who you are. You must have done some soul-searching and concluded that monogamy doesn’t suit you.

I commend you for your self-awareness and for being honest with yourself, but at the same time, I don’t think you have fully grasped the difference between monogamy and polyamory yet.

First, let’s try to understand what the words we are using mean.

Monogamy derives from the Greek monos ( μονός - alone) and gamos ( γάμος- marriage). Hence, it refers to having only one spouse, and in recent times it has become the definition for couples who entertain romantic and sexual relationships only with each other.

Some people claim that only within monogamous relationships can there be morality. Kant, in his “Duties towards the Body in Respect of Sexual Impulse”, argues that “a love that springs merely from sexual impulse cannot be love at all, but only appetite”. If we desire a person sexually, we desire them as an object to satisfy our own needs and not as a human being. The only circumstance in which sexual relationships are permitted within the rules of morality is marriage. Because matrimony is an agreement between two people who grant each other equal reciprocal rights. In matrimony, we devote ourselves to one another not only sexually: we devote body, and soul, for good and ill and in every respect.

New Natural Law theorists and the Catholic Church have proposed arguments that are similar to that expressed by Kant.

Our society is built around monogamy: the mainstream idea of family is two parents and children. Everyone has that idea of a romantic relationship ingrained in their mind. Anything else is considered something that differs from the norm.

Although we are mainly used to monogamy, it is not to say that it has to be the only way. Many people see romantic relationships not through the lenses of sexual exclusivity but as the idea that it is possible to simultaneously fall in love and have relationships with more than one person.

Polygamy is not the only alternative to monogamy. The broad term that includes all possibilities is ethical non-monogamy, under which we find polyamory, swinging, open relationships or anything else that suits you and your partners. The premise is that all parties are informed and aware and give their full consent.

As we see in the name, it has an ethical element. And you know what that is? Consent.

Your letter gives me the impression that you perceive polyamory as being free to sleep with whomever you want, whenever you want. If that were true, cheating would not be possible in polyamorous relationships; while it is: a polyamorous person could be cheating by ignoring boundaries that had been set. For example, if two polyamorous partners, Agata and Manuel, who live together, agree that none of the other partners should sleep over at their house, and Agata invites one of her boyfriends over behind Manuel’s back, this would be considered cheating.

Richard Wasserstrom observes that sexual infidelity is wrong because it violates at least one of four moral rules: 1) do not break promises, 2) do not deceive, 3) do not be unfair 4) do not cause unjustifiable harm.

The problem in your relationship is not that you want to have multiple partners but that your boyfriend since it is considered the norm, is convinced that you are being exclusive. So you are deceiving him, being unfair and causing him potential harm.

Please listen to your friends and talk to your boyfriend. He has the right to decide if he wants to accept your offer. Maybe he will accept a poly relationship, or perhaps he will break up with you. But keeping him with you through deceptions is the most non-ethical form of non-monogamy you could ever practice.

I suggest you read “The Ethical Slut” by Dossie Easton and Janet Hardy. link here