Dear Gianna

Q: "I was with my boyfriend for a year. A few days ago, he left me without any reason. He only says that even though he has feelings for me, before focusing on creating a serious relationship, he wants to establish himself professionally. I’ve tried calling him, writing to him, talking to his friends. I’ve cried and begged him to be reasonable, but he won’t listen. How can I convince him not to ruin everything for such trivial reasons?"

A: I’d like to start with your statement, "he left me without any reason." In my opinion, your boyfriend didn’t leave you without a reason; he left you for reasons that, though they’re not your fault, do exist. Unfortunately, although you did nothing to deserve being left, you need to accept that it has happened.

In the July edition, I mentioned that I don’t believe you have to love yourself first before opening up to the possibility of a relationship, as if these were two consecutive steps. Sometimes, leaping into the unknown and accepting another’s love can be an act of true courage, a small help in the process of loving ourselves. I still believe that, but I also think that each of us needs to be ready for this kind of openness to another. Sadly, I think that crying and begging will not convince him to come back to you, but will push him further away.

Let me tell you the myth of twin flames to explain what I mean. Twin flames are two souls created from a single sphere of energy divided in two. It’s reminiscent of the myth of soulmates that Plato, through Aristophanes, tells in The Symposium. These two twin flames are destined to meet again, in this life or another, to bring about a perfect union: universal and absolute love.

I’m not trying to tell you that your boyfriend is your twin flame, nor that you should give up on him because when you find your twin flame everything will fall into place. I wanted to share this with you because the very myth of Absolute Love, of perfect union, teaches us that "begging" someone to love us only drives them further away. When the two flames meet, the intensity of love is so great that one of them flees. Both flames see their own flaws and shortcomings in the other, and they cannot rationally understand how someone could love them exactly as they are. The flame that flees is afraid of this feeling. They must expose themselves and relinquish their ego, so they decide to run away instead of facing their fears. The flame that chases, devastated by abandonment, does everything to convince their partner to return. But the flames are mirrors of each other, and the more one tries to reunite, the more the other pulls away, reflecting feelings of abandonment and lack. The only solution is for the chasing flame to stop, to stop worrying about bringing their partner back and start focusing on themselves.

Your boyfriend doesn’t value himself; he thinks that not having a career to be proud of makes him a failure, and, for this reason, he can’t understand how you could love a failure. I firmly believe that a career is not indicative of a person’s worth, but I think this is his perception of the situation. Unfortunately, pointing out that he’s wrong will only make him want to prove you right: the more you present logical arguments to convince him to stay with you, the more he will rack his brains for reasons why you shouldn’t be together. So, please, stop.

What could you do instead of begging him? Listen to him. If he says he can’t be with you for reasons that seem trivial to you, try to put yourself in his shoes and understand how he feels without any preconceived notions. However, this doesn’t mean you shouldn’t be clear about what you want and what makes you happy. In my opinion, the only way to reunite with your love, who may or may not be this boyfriend, is to start looking within yourself. Think about yourself, ask yourself questions. Why are you so desperate now that he’s left you? Is it truly love? Or is it fear of abandonment? If it’s the latter, how could you overcome it? What might have caused it? Use this opportunity to think about what you really want from a relationship, what went wrong, and what you want from life in general. Are you happy with the person you are? Would you like to change something? Do you trust love, or do you have reservations? Write about yourself, draw about yourself, sing about yourself. Not in a selfish way, but to discover who you are. Every relationship teaches us something. What has this one taught you?

In The Odyssey, Penelope waits 20 years for Odysseus, never once doubting that he would return. She knows her husband is alive and that, once he’s completed the journey he was destined to undertake, he will return to her. And so it is. Obviously, I don’t think you should wait 20 years for him to return, but neither should you wait 20 days. I think you should move forward with your life, accepting that this relationship has ended, even if you don’t want it to. Find a way to be truly content with yourself, with the firm knowledge that if your Odysseus, after completing the personal growth journey he now feels compelled to undertake, sees you as the safe harbour to which he can return, he will. At that point, it will be up to you to decide whether he is still the partner you want, or whether that chapter of your life is closed and you’ve turned the page for good.

I recommend reading a book:

What Really Went Wrong by Clay Andrews, to understand exactly what dynamics lead to a breakup and why it’s important to accept the end of a relationship."