Dear Gianna

Paul writes: My friend keeps telling me that “alpha males” are the only ones who succeed in love, and that it is a concept backed by science. I have a loving relationship where my partner and I both contribute and support each other. I love her in the sweetest possible way, while at the same time considering her the most intelligent and interesting person I know. But my friend says I need to change my behavior, or my partner will get bored and cheat on me with an alpha. He says I must stop talking about emotions and ensure she wants to submit to me. Is he right?

Dear Paul,

This whole “alpha male” story is one of my favorites: a huge misunderstanding in the scientific world that gave rise to myths we’re still stuck dealing with today. Let’s start by looking at where this story comes from and the confusion it caused.

The concept of the alpha male comes from a study conducted by the ethologist Rudolf Schenkel in the 1940s on captive wolves. In Expression Studies on Wolves, Schenkel noticed that in every pack there was a dominant male and female who had earned their position through force and aggression, and who were respected by the entire pack, and were never challenged by other members.

In the 1970s, biologist David Mech published The Wolf: Ecology and Behavior of an Endangered Species. In this study, he revisited Schenkel’s conclusions and applied them to wild wolves, since at the time there were no proper studies of wolves in their natural habitat.

In 1982, Ethologist Frans de Waal published Chimpanzee Politics: Power and Sex Among Apes, where he described the social behaviors of chimpanzees in a zoo in Arnhem, Netherlands, using the term alpha male to describe their power hierarchies.

The real turning point came in 2013, when a self-help author, Ian Ironwood, popularized the term alpha male: this marked the rise of the manosphere, a network of websites, self-help books, and influencers that portray feminism as a social plague and teach men what women really want and how to gain respect.

The principles promoted by these communities classify men as alpha, beta, and the rest of the Greek alphabet. Alphas are “real men,” with no “feminine” behaviors. They never show vulnerability, never let emotions take over, and are always strong and relentless. Gender roles are strictly defined: women are naturally meant to be mothers and wives, take care of the home, and provide love and stability. High-profile figures in the manosphere, like Andrew Tate, openly treat women as men’s property.

The manosphere has various subcultures, such as pick-up artists, who developed a whole philosophy of techniques to attract women and have sexual encounters, especially casual ones. You might have heard of negging: giving compliments that actually make a woman feel inferior (“You’re smart, despite appearances”). The idea is that if a man makes a woman feel underestimated, she’ll go out of her way to prove her worth and win him over.

At the same time, all branches of the manosphere revolve around two core ideas: the alpha male—a stereotype of a strong, dominant, invincible man—and the red pill from The Matrix, which represents seeing reality as it really is, no matter how uncomfortable.

Men in the manosphere claim that taking the red pill reveals hidden “truths.” For example, they argue that men gain value by having many sexual partners, while women lose value if they’re sexually active or over thirty. According to these ideas, women should remain “pure,” and no self-respecting man would marry someone with past sexual experience.

Andrew Tate is so obsessed with appearing super macho alpha heterosexual at all costs that he went so far as to scold his followers for having sex for pleasure: according to him, enjoying sex (even with a woman) is “gay.”

Now you might say: “But then what my friends says, that the concept is backed by science is true”

And that’s exactly where it gets interesting. The concept of the alpha male is nothing more than a huge misunderstanding in ethology. It was David Mech himself, after observing wolf packs in the wild, who realized that the alpha male dynamic existed only among captive individuals. In the wild, packs are made up of families: mother, father, and pups. The “alphas” are simply the parents, who are indeed the leaders of the group, but not through brute force; they lead through nurturing and caring.

Even the alpha chimpanzee described by de Waal has completely different traits: Rosanna Grant-Hudd notes, “There is a clear disconnect between the use of the alpha male in the scientific literature and its use in human circles. De Waal illustrated alpha males as gentle, empathetic, decisive, and dependent on the rest of his group.”

Unfortunately, when someone who isn’t a science expert reads scientific books, these misconceptions can easily happen. The reality is that if we were to describe a human alpha male, based on those scientific discoveries, it would make much more sense to picture a man who is kind, emotionally intelligent, aware that he’s not invincible, and knows how to both give and receive support.

Now that you know the full story behind this great societal joke called the alpha male, please don’t worry about having to perform for your male peers who are too insecure to admit they’re human. Keep being the alpha male you are: loving, caring, and emotionally available.

If you want to learn more about this topic you could read

- Men Who Hate Women: From incels to pickup artists, the truth about extreme misogyny and how it affects us all by Laura Bates

- Boys Will Be Boys: Power, Patriarchy and Toxic Masculinity by Clementine Ford

You can also follow me on social media for more insights and discussions:

IG: @the_philosophical_love_coach

FB: The Philosophical Love Coach