Dear Diary

Dear Diary

What is love? I always assumed that love was a feeling that someone got when they found someone that they really liked. The definition is an intense feeling of deep affection. But that led me to wonder what true deep affection really is. Love, we hear about it in just about every song, we see it everywhere. Why can't I find love? Why can't I grasp the concept of love? It doesn't make a whole lot of sense because as humans we are created to love. We are a social species and are left feeling empty and broken and sometimes dead inside when we don't interact with other people for an extended period of time. Or maybe this only happens to me. Maybe I'm just weird, I don't know. Like today I saw a beautiful girl walking towards me. She looked lonely and like she wanted someone to talk to. I thought to myself this is my chance. a chance to build a connection with someone other than my childhood friends. As I got closer and closer I was hyping myself up to say hi but all that i did was smile and she smiled back. It was such an innocent smile and it only made her so much more pretty. But that was all i kept walking and said nothing and naturally she did the same. I don't know what came over me but it was as if a tiny voice inside of my soul said what if she says no. I've always feared that. I can't stand the feeling of being told no. But at the same time that's not the real reason I refuse to try to talk to people. It's not as simple as no. Deep down I know it's the fact that I can build a good relationship with someone only for them to betray or break my heart. That's where the real fear lies. I can't get over that. That grueling feeling of being left behind. The feeling of being heart broken and losing what I love. So in a way I do have a grasp of love. I just don't want to accept it because I'm afraid of losing it. How can I fully commit myself? How do I build up the courage to take a chance on love? The funny thing is I used to call myself fearless. I used to say that nothing in this world can stop me and make me cower in a corner. Oh was i so wrong. I moved on to college and I realized I was all talk. No i wasn't all talk i certainly did what most people would never dare do. The amount of times I put my life at risk just to have some fun. The long list of daring things I did. Ya i'm not all talk i carry a big game too. So why am I being defeated now? I used to say that nothing in this world would defeat me. And ya know what I'm sick of it defeating me. Screw being afraid of love and what could happen. So many better things can happen that outweigh the bad next week is going to be different. Next week I'm going to go back to being fearless. I'm going to go back to being the reckless, shameless, freaking awesome man that I used to be. No more hiding behind a hood. No more cowering in a corner. No more saying that I'll do it next time. There might not be a next time. The time is now and I'm just getting started. Look out world the warrior inside of me is coming back and this time i wont lose

-until next time, Zane