Goodbye

I’ve stood here countless times wondering how she’s been all this time.

Ten years.

Ten long years have passed, and somehow it still all feels like yesterday. It feels like yesterday, where we were standing here, this very bridge, where it all began and where it all ended. Two souls, two strangers who by the end had become one. It feels like yesterday, where we were pretending the goodbye wasn’t going to be final. Believing our love could survive distance, time, silence and pride.

The first few years were unbearable. I was in excruciating pain each day. I would break constantly. I would cry everywhere. In rooms. On buses. In places we never even went together. I’ve carried her name in my chest like a wound that never closed.

Then one day, the crying stopped. Not because I stopped loving her but because I ran out of tears. Everything was quiet, heavy and numb. Like my body had finally given up trying to process it. As if my heart had learned how to live without feeling.

Sometimes I wonder what would’ve happened if we hadn’t ended the way we did.

Sometimes I wonder what would’ve happened if I had reached out.

Sometimes I wonder if walking away was the right decision.

Sometimes I wonder why she didn’t reach out.

Then I hate myself for wondering.

I would ask myself over and over again. How do two people who know everything about each other go from lovers, best friends, partners in crime, soulmates to strangers? How can fears, dreams, scars, secrets just become strangers? How can they all just turn into long lost memories?

We weren’t perfect. We were messy. Complicated. We hurt each other. We misunderstood each other. We were just two kids. Young and in love. We were real. I would give anything to have that back. Have her back. Even with all of the chaos there was a sense of calmness and longing. She was home. She is home. Now there’s nothing. Just silence. Just absence. Just echoes.

I’ve not been the same since the goodbye.

Not in love.

Not in life

Not in myself

It was like I said goodbye to myself. The version of myself that was happy. I’ve been lost ever since. Falling endlessly through empty space.

Then the wedding invitation came out of nowhere.

I was still frozen in time but this whole time she had been moving on. I would tell myself that I wasn’t surprised. I mean, of course she’s getting married. How could she not? She’s the most amazing person I have ever met.

She’s beautiful.

She’s smart.

She’s funny.

She’s caring.

She’s hardworking.

She’s thoughtful.

She’s incredible, the kind of person people don’t forget. The kind of person whose soul will soothe you. The kind of person whose smile would light you up. The kind of person whose presence felt what home was meant to feel like. The kind of person who became my best friend.

Then I would wonder.

What about me? What was I to her? What am I to her?

I would stare at the envelope longer than I ever needed to.

Her name. My name.

Two words that once meant everything to each other.

Why did she invite me?

All these years of silence felt like torture. I was left alone with my thoughts. No messages, no birthdays, no check ins, no closure, no nothing. Just silence. A silence that spoke more loudly than those three words which she used to say.

Why now?

Why after ten years of silence?

What did it mean? Was it just politeness? Kindness? Closure? Old history? A formality?

But my heart didn’t want to believe that.

Every fiber in my body didn’t want to believe that.

Why?

I would sit for hours pondering over all the moments I should’ve fought harder. Harder for her. Harder for us. All the times I chose my pride over love. Our love.

Silence over honesty.

Fear over courage.

Ego over vulnerability.

I should’ve stayed.

I should’ve fought.

Love doesn’t give up.

Love believes.

Love trusts.

Love fights.

So I’ve lived with it this whole time. The knowing of the “what if”. The weight of the “what if”. A never ending grief that will stay with me until the end of time. A permanent scar on my heart. That won’t heal even with time. A pain with no cure.

I walked into that church more broken than I’ve ever been.

Grieving something that ended a decade ago.

Mourning a life I never lived. Mourning the life I wanted to have.

And when I turned around…

I saw her walking down the aisle. Our eyes locked. She smiled. Everything froze. She was as beautiful as I always remembered her to be.

I’m happy she’s happy. Even if it’s not with me.