Dear Diary, I want to tell you about the other guys I dated in New York.

Since Pride is over now, I thought it might be entertaining to reminisce on my final attempts at dating men. These took place over the course of the month, in late 2019, leading up to my last date ever with a man, a story I shared earlier this year.

But before I begin, I must preface with two things:

1. Yes, I did kind of move to New York to be gay…but internal homophobia was alive and well! I thought I’d give a few New York guys a chance too I guess.
2. The names I assigned them are the vibe I remember them having, I have no clue what their real names are.

Samir

Let’s call this one Dull Central Park guy.

The first part of the date felt cute and normal. Samir had suggested we go to Central Park by Columbus Circle. We met in front of a tea shop to get some drinks so we’d have something to sit with in the park. Then we walked a bit, and chose a spot near some people playing ultimate frisbee.

It was mid-late September and shockingly not super hot, so thankfully I was wearing a denim jacket that I could use to sit on in the grass. Samir was in a nicely fit t-shirt and jeans, meaning that sadly he had nothing to offer me in the ways of chivalry. We sat close to each other, but not touching. My favorite first date spots are bar seats so you can get a better gauge on your chemistry, but this was the next best thing.

We started chatting about some of our background. I had seen on his profile that Samir was also Muslim, which we chatted about briefly before we met, but I asked him a little more about it in person. Unlike myself, he had not been religious in his 20s, but was trying to find it again and recently decided to be sober, hence the tea and park date. In his mind, if he wanted to settle down, then he also wanted to uphold a certain standard, which was understandable.

But this meant we were certainly having opposite journeys. I told him about why I wanted to let loose a little more, and why I started drinking, and he understood where I was coming from. You know the story.

We may have talked about this a little more or possibly moved on to something lighter, but truthfully it doesn’t matter because the most important part of the date is what comes next.

When there was a bit of a lull in the conversation, I began glancing over at the ultimate frisbee game near us. I realized they were all at least in their upper 60s. Which fascinated me! I remember one player was a taller, lanky man with long silvery hair that was put up in a loose bun. He was barefoot and wearing bright blue from head-to-toe (or ankle I suppose), and in my memory, he was leaping about for the frisbee the entire time we were there.

I commented on how amazed I was at their athleticism and mobility for the type of sport they were playing at their ages. But Samir seemed thrown by my interest, and unbothered by the people.

Red flag #1: not fun to people-watch with.

Because of this, I needed to investigate.

“I mean, that’s a pretty quirky hobby to keep up with for decades OR to randomly pick up when you’re in retirement age. Isn't there something quirky about you?”

He looked at me, utterly befuddled. “I’m not sure I know what you mean?”

I was confused at his confusion. I sat up a bit straighter and faced him. “Well, is there any out of the ordinary hobby or habit you have? For example! I’ve known how to juggle almost my entire life. And I try to keep up with it so I don’t forget how to.” Maybe I asked the question oddly, and this would help him understand a little more.

He thought for a moment. “I’m not totally sure…oh! There is actually something funny…” he chuckled a bit as he said this. “...my sister says I do it all the time. Apparently, when I’m typing, I backspace SO much more than I actually type.” He gestured his hands as if they were typing on a keyboard. “I’ll be typing, typing, typing…and then I’ll just fuckin’...” and then he smashes the invisible backspace button over and over again, longer than when he was fake typing for.

My mouth hung open staring at him.

…

I took a second before I finally was able to say, “Oh. That’s not really a hobby, but ok.”

Since I had dated many men in Boston, and this was my last ditch effort, I no longer had the energy and was not trying to sugar coat my disappointment anymore.

Red flag #2: NOT imaginative. What the fuck even was that?

After a little while longer, we both had to use the bathroom so we went into the mall at Columbus Circle. Samir seemed thrilled to usher me to where the ladies room was upstairs. When I came out, he was waiting for me at one of the banisters, looking at what I thought were the people walking around below. He says, “I used to work here actually!” And then proceeded to excitedly tell me which stores used to be other stores and when some of them changed over.

So the thing he’s been most jazzed to talk about on this entire date are the stores in this mall. Cool.

I didn’t say much. Whatever I managed to get out was surely nowhere near inquisitive.

Red flag #3: finds malls to be interesting.

I told him I had to go home, we exchanged a text or two afterward as a post-date etiquette, but neither of us reached out to meet up again.

Total Date Time: 2 hours

Date Rating: -2 / 5 Stars

Gavin

Honestly, I would say Gavin was a decent date. He was cute, tall, didn’t talk too much, and the only real intricate detail I remember is that I liked his voice.

We got tacos at a cute little Mexican place that was walking distance from my Bushwick apartment. I forget the name of it now, and it sadly went out of business during Covid. I remember the conversation going fairly well, and we spent the entire time there with a few drinks.

The only upsetting part of the whole night was that I wished he kissed me at the end of the date and he did not. (Starved for affection.)

And that’s about it.

There were no actual red flags, so I’m sorry to group you in here Gavin, but we weren’t meant to be.

Total Date Time: 2 hours

Date Rating: 2.5 / 5 Stars

Mark

I’ll begin by saying I’m shocked that Mark’s date wasn’t the reason why I switched my dating apps to women.

We matched on Hinge, and had some good chatter. He seemed cute, fit, and fine enough to go on a date with. He was a firefighter from Staten Island. Don't judge me, I was new to the city and didn’t know what this meant yet! If you also don’t know, keep reading and you’ll learn too.

He sweetly, or so I thought at the time, agreed to come to Bushwick to meet me. So I asked him to meet me at Yours Sincerely, a cocktail bar.

I got there first to get us seats at the bar, my favorite setup for a first date, remember? And when he arrived, I immediately noticed he lied about his height. He said he was 5’9”, but when I got up to hug him we were eye level, and I was wearing ~2 inch heeled boots…which would put him at 5’6”. I never really had a height issue...the lying was the problem. Yeah I know a lot of guys do this but it’s not for me. Red flag #1

But I decided to give him a chance.

We kept conversation light and easy over cocktails. Then we decided to move to a different bar, Clara’s, to share an appetizer and get another drink.

That’s where things went south.

He asked me “So what do you believe in?”

I paused and asked, “Do you mean religion? Ghosts? What?” He laughed and answered, “yeah, religion.” So I told him about my Muslim background, not going into a ton of detail. He curiously asked some questions, and told me he was raised Catholic and is still very much involved. From there, he also decided to confess he considered himself a Moderate. Red flag #2

I’m not sure how I responded to that or what happened between that moment and when we decided to leave, but I do remember that he suggested he would walk me home.

And then, not 1 block from the bar, we got into a full blown fight. About gun control. Red flag #3

Yes, full blown fight as in raising our voices. On the street.

Truthfully, I don’t remember what specifically he said that offended me so badly (I don’t really yell from anger unless instigated just right) or I him, but there is a whisper of a memory of me calling him stupid.

You’d think that he would have decided to go home at this point.

Nope.

When we got to my corner, he proceeded to put his mouth on my face, thinking I would want to kiss him?? The yelling in the street was the final red flag, but since I couldn’t get away from him: Nail in the coffin.

“What are you doing!!”

“Oh I thought maybe you’d want to invite me in?”

“After the last 10 minutes, that’s the last thing I would ever want to do. Go home Mark.”

I crossed the street, went upstairs and locked all of my doors.

Never fucking with Staten Island again.

Total Date Time: 4 hours

Date Rating: -10 / 5 Stars

Honorable Mention: Steve

I matched with Steve on Bumble and we were never able to get our schedules aligned to meet up. We argued (yes argued! wtf!) over Bumble chat about whether it was ice or iced coffee.

I was a barista for 6 years and he still didn’t want to believe me that it was, in fact, iced coffee. Thankfully I’ve learned since then that if it feels like arguing, and not banter I’m out.

Total Date Time: 0

Date Rating: 0 / 5 Stars

—

So to recap, I’m gay and happy about it. Never have I argued with nor been offended by a woman when we’ve had less than a handful of dates.

This was my exit from men and I must say, good riddance.

🖊️ A.