Dear 2021

Dear 2021...

...how are you? I am well. I hope you are feeling a little better from last year. If you are not hopeful of a full recovery soon I will stay away a little longer. Please don't take it personally I have my grandparents and new born nephew to think about.

I have been thinking about you, me, and us, a lot lately. Distance makes the heart grow fonder. I would like to think I will never take a day at the beach for granted ever again. But let us be honest with each other. Whatever you give me, or whatever I take from you, I would soon forget this mayhem and go back to thinking everything is my right to have.

These thoughts led me to think about how I could change. If I wanted you bad enough, 2021, I could change myself into being more assertive and grateful. And be a happier person because I am achieving my goals but also savouring the moments I 'smell the roses'.

But, this is a double message I am giving myself. Do I want me to be a 'go-getter' or do I need me to be more content with my lot in life? If you gave me a hint what you will be like over the next 365 days I would know which kind of person I need to be. I can only go by my past experiences.

I'm old enough now to see that there is a spiral. Happy to say that this is an upward spiral, at least.

I cannot help but compare where I was at this exact time last year. Like, in 2020 I couldn't help compare where I was a decade ago, in 2010. And I can see a definite upward trend all the while I'm thinking I have not done anything with my life.

A decade ago I was homeless. I had to swallow pride and call on my grandparents to pay for a plane ticket. I ended up living in their spare room for almost four years before my life got on track again. Last year I was in a flat with neighbours I hated. But now I am in a new flat with neighbours I adore. Upward trend.

A decade ago I had no job (which led to my homelessness). Last year I had the highest paying job I have ever had in my life, over $55,000 p.a. This year I have no job, again, and I am confused how the welfare system works these days. Downward trend with a positive outlook. I am not in danger of losing my flat this time around.

A decade ago my grandparents were my saviours. They had jobs and lawn bowls, but now they have Netflix and the boredom of repetitive living. My grandfather, since last year, has lost a lot of weight. Downward trend with a negative outlook. They will soon need to rely on me.

A decade ago, none of my nieces and nephews had been born. I now have two nieces and three nephews of various ages. Upward trend with a positive outlook.

A decade ago I made the most difficult choices of my life. Who to cut out of my life, for the rest of our lives. The fallout split the family, but just now I have been invited to my sister's wedding. The first family invitation I've received in over a decade due to last year's efforts to improve communication. Upward trend.

You see, I see my life as circular events. I appear to have not moved along any linear path. But when I look at the spot I am in today, compared to a year, or a decade ago, I can see that I have moved. Things have changed. Family has changed. I am improved. I am better than I was.

With these past experiences I cannot predict 2021. I sure am in for the ride.

I will have to get a new job, which is something to look forward to. I have my family to reconnect with and friends to catch up.