Dealing with Narcissists and Hateful People:
Biblical Wisdom and Boundaries
Scripture doesn’t use the modern term “narcissist,” but it speaks plainly about the proud, abusive, quarrelsome, and unrepentant. It also calls us to love enemies without enabling evil. The Bible’s way is a blend of truth, love, and wise boundaries.
What the Bible names
- Lovers of self: “People will be lovers of self, proud, abusive… Avoid such people” (2 Timothy 3:1–5).
- Scoffers and fools: “Do not speak in the hearing of a fool, for he will despise the good sense of your words” (Proverbs 23:9; cf. 26:4–5).
- The hateful: “Whoever says he is in the light and hates his brother is still in darkness” (1 John 2:9).
Posture of the heart
- Love without vengeance: “Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you” (Matthew 5:44). “Do not repay evil for evil… overcome evil with good” (Romans 12:17–21).
- Guard your heart: “Keep your heart with all vigilance” (Proverbs 4:23). Love does not require self-destruction.
- Identity secure in Christ: Your worth is defined by God’s love, not by another’s contempt (Isaiah 43:1; Romans 8:31–39).
Wisdom in engagement
- Choose when to speak and when to step back: “Answer not a fool according to his folly… Answer a fool according to his folly” (Proverbs 26:4–5). Discern if a response would dignify truth or fuel strife.
- Avoid pointless quarrels: “The Lord’s servant must not be quarrelsome but kind… correcting opponents with gentleness” (2 Timothy 2:24–26).
- Don’t cast pearls: When someone tramples truth and turns to attack, “do not throw your pearls before pigs” (Matthew 7:6).
Boundaries are biblical
- Limit access to the destructive: “Make no friendship with a man given to anger” (Proverbs 22:24–25). “Avoid such people” (2 Timothy 3:5).
- Jesus set boundaries: He did not entrust himself to manipulative crowds (John 2:24–25), withdrew from hostility (John 10:39), and sometimes walked away (Luke 4:30).
- Shake the dust off: If someone persistently rejects truth, it can be right to step away (Matthew 10:14).
- Safety first: If abuse is present, seek help and protection immediately (Romans 13:1–4 affirms proper authority).
Confrontation that aims to restore
- Start gentle and private: “If your brother sins, go and tell him his fault between you and him alone” (Matthew 18:15). Use clarity, not contempt (Ephesians 4:15).
- Add witnesses and accountability if needed (Matthew 18:16–17). For divisive people: “Warn… once and then twice, have nothing more to do with him” (Titus 3:10).
- Restore only with evidence of repentance: “Bear fruits in keeping with repentance” (Luke 3:8). Trust is rebuilt with consistent change, not apologies alone.
When hatred targets you
- Refuse retaliation: “Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good” (Romans 12:21).
- Bless, don’t curse: “Bless those who persecute you” (Romans 12:14).
- Maintain dignity and boundaries: “Let your ‘Yes’ be yes and your ‘No,’ no” (Matthew 5:37). Document patterns, bring witnesses when appropriate (Matthew 18:16).
Forgiveness versus reconciliation
- Forgive from the heart (Mark 11:25; Colossians 3:13) to release vengeance to God.
- Reconciliation requires repentance, safety, and rebuilt trust (Luke 17:3–4). You can forgive while maintaining strong boundaries.
- Love can say “no”: Love seeks the other’s good and your protection; enabling isn’t love (Proverbs 19:19).
Community and authority
- Seek wise counsel and support (Proverbs 11:14; Galatians 6:2). Isolation empowers manipulators.
- Church discipline exists for unrepentant harm-doers (1 Corinthians 5:11–13).
- In civil matters of harm, involve proper authorities (Romans 13:3–4).
Practical steps
- Pray for wisdom, courage, and compassion (James 1:5).
- Clarify expectations and consequences ahead of time; hold to them calmly.
- Keep conversations brief, specific, and non-defensive. Do not JADE (justify, argue, defend, explain) with the chronically manipulative.
- Refuse bait. Delay responses when emotions run high (James 1:19–20).
- Reduce contact or go no-contact when necessary, especially after repeated harm.
- Build a support network; invite accountability for your responses.
- Care for your soul: Scripture, worship, rest, and, when needed, Christian counseling.
A word of hope
God sees the oppressed and hears the cries of the mistreated (Psalm 10; 34:18). He is your defender and shepherd (Psalm 23). Jesus, who endured hostility without sinning (Hebrews 12:3), strengthens you to love wisely, speak truthfully, set boundaries courageously, and entrust justice to God.
A prayer
Lord, give me a wise and loving heart. Help me bless without enabling, speak truth without pride, set boundaries without fear, and forgive without excusing evil. Protect me and those I love, bring the proud to repentance, heal what’s been harmed, and lead me in the way of peace. Amen.
As far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone (Romans 12:18). When peace is refused, obey God’s wisdom: love sincerely, set clear limits, seek help, and walk in the freedom Christ gives.
- Julia O’Hara 2025
THANK YOU for reading my work. I am a global nomad/permanent traveler, or Coddiwombler, if you will, and I move from place to place about every three months. I am currently in Peru and heading to Chile in a few days and from there, who knows? I enjoy writing articles, stories, songs and poems about life, spirituality and my travels. You can find my songs linked below. Feel free to like and subscribe on any of the platforms. And if you are inspired to, tips are always appreciated, but not necessary. I just like sharing.
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