Dealing with Emotional Baggage Before Starting a Relationship

Losing someone through a break-up, for better or for worse, can be an excruciating experience.

If you are all too familiar with the bittersweet taste of a break-up, then welcome to the club. Here, there’s trauma, grief, and all sorts of emotional baggage you can find.

Perhaps you made rash decisions in order to heal yourself. Things like inflicting pain onto others or taking revenge. You might have even tried to go for a rebound!

Yes, this happens even to the best of us. What’s important is that you manage to grow and take it as a learning experience.

But sometimes, you don’t realize that your wounds haven't fully healed. And in the process, you carry over that excess baggage.

Unlike airports, you don’t have the privilege of performing a weight check on your emotional baggage.

The first thing you need to ask yourself - “Am I really over it?”

Learning how to let go

Have you ever seen a break-up scene in a rom-com?

It usually starts with a montage of the once-happy couple in their best moments, followed by break-up where the girl eats a tub of ice cream, making bitter commentaries on the TV show she is watching.

We all know what happens in the end. The main character finds a moment of clarity and eventually discovers what true happiness is.

It’s an overused trope, but it sends a good message of self improvement. Because break ups are not the end.

Before starting with someone new, you have to let the past go. Much like the protagonist in a rom-com movie, you have to undergo the five stages of grief before you can get a move on in your life.

To start off:

Denial

You’re in denial. It’s only natural to be so. But you will need to move on soon.

Losing a partner means losing a part of you as well. They’ve been with you at your best and worst — accepting that they’ve moved on without you is a pill that’s hard to swallow.

Take it slow and take as much time as you need. Hold yourself back from crawling into your ex’s arms. You have to restrain yourself from anything that relates to your ex. You need all the space you can get to breathe.

Just don’t try to spin your own version of reality. Eventually, you will have to face the music. Leaving room for hope that your ex will come back will only distress you.

Anger

The pain is still fresh in your mind and you’re probably looking for someone to blame.

It’s going to be tough to let out some steam. Keeping it bottled up inside is no good either. It’ll only lead to pent up-rage.

Before you can do anything irrational, think about it first.

Am I in control of myself? Am I harming myself or someone else?

Find a healthy outlet that works for you. You can exercise or take up a new hobby. Don’t let your emotions take you over. Yes, your ex might have done you wrong but taking it out on others isn’t the best way to deal with it.

Pinning all the blame on either one of you is no good either. You’ve both had your shortcomings and playing the blame game will only fuel your anger.

Bargaining

It’s hard to fight off the urge to come running back to your ex.

But you have to.

There’s no point in continuing a failed relationship. It might be possible to bring back what you once had, but neither of you is in the right state of mind to make these decisions.

Give yourself time to think things through. Think about the reason why you broke up in the first place.

Do you really want them back in your life? Is it still possible to work things out?

By asking these questions, only then will you be a step closer to moving on.

Avoid scavenging any traces of your past love such as photos or mementos. If it helps you move one, you can return their stuff. Clinging onto the past won't help you move on to the future.

Depression

Before you can experience the joys of being free from your emotional baggage, you have to brave through your anxiety.

You’re grieving over what once was. Reality has finally dawned on you and you’re left to deal with your own sadness.

This is the stage where you start to find distractions.

Allow yourself a moment of solitude. Don’t be too hard on yourself. Clear your mind. Maybe go out with your friends and talk about it. At the end of the day, you’ll feel much lighter.

Acceptance

To be frank, it might take a while before you reach this point. You might say that you’ve completely moved on, but your actions say otherwise.

If you're not careful, you might be carrying this over to your next partner.

You know you’re completely over it when you feel like a heavy weight on your shoulders has finally been lifted. You’ve come to terms with the truth. Any resentment you have for your previous partner is long gone as well.

All that’s left for you is to get a move on in your life.

Things will get better from then on. Though you might still feel some kind of phantom pain, it doesn’t hurt as much as it did before.

This is the stage when you are finally free from your emotional baggage.

Starting out fresh

If you think you’ve pushed through all these stages, then keep up the good work. You’re well on your way to being a better you.

There’s a lot more to life than a mere break-up. It might be painful right now, but it will eventually subside. Once all is said and done, you only have the future to look forward to.

Someday, you will meet someone who can bring out the best in you. The last thing that you want to do to them is bring over your emotional baggage.

Somewhere down the line, you’ll eventually be able to move on. Once you do, you’ll feel much lighter.