Day 1 of 3 questions

I wanted to start working on my business again, but didn't quite know where to go from the new start in my life. I am trying to find myself again and learn who I am now. So, I came across this journal challenge and wanted to give it a try. See if I can learn more about the new person I am becoming... the person that my tribe of friends is surprisingly protective of because I am apparently glowing again and they don't want anyone to dim my light again. ;-)

What did I learn about myself yesterday?

After a long time thinking that I hated the rain and getting wet, last night it finally clicked in my mind...

I just don't like getting wet when I am going to be miserable.

I don't like being scared of someone else being mad at me for being wet and being weird.

I don't like being judged for feeling joy when pulling the van over and dancing to the song in the headlights in the down pouring rain.

I learned that I am quite content to stand in the rain with the right person/people. I learned that no one who actually loves me is going to be mad at me for pulling into a pull-out and blasting that country song and (badly) dancing in the rain! I learned that I don't feel scared with the right people around me with sparklers and fireworks. :-) And that I need to make a lot more memories that are just happy and peaceful, not tainted with any other emotions.

What exhausted me yesterday?

The biggest thing that exhausted me yesterday was getting notified that I had to post new advertisement(s) for job openings, interview the applicants, and basically just start the hiring process all over again.

Despite being told that I had the qualifications to be a fantastic manager when I was going for my business degree and being told by numerous individuals that I am good at managing, this level of exhaustion just reminds me that maybe I should not go back to finish a degree in something that totally exhausts me.

It exhausts me because I get nervous/anxious meeting new people. I go into people pleasing mode until I know that they will hold safe space for me to just be me. And people pleasing mode is SO unhelpful when you have to let someone know that they didn't get the job, for whatever reason! It is something I am working on... but for now, it is just completely exhausting to even contemplate the steps that I know I need to take to get the help I desperately need.

What energized me yesterday?

I was energized after hanging out with a couple of amazing friends yesterday. Being able to just be myself and not being scared of the reaction if I said something wrong, not having to plan my escape route, not having to pretend that I was anyone other than who I am, and just being able to be happy and silly... that energized me.

Joking about bags with pockets and how my friend and I really want a bag with like a gazillion pockets!!! We have slightly evil plans for said bag... but it would be SO MUCH FUN!!! lol

Taking a risk with a fairly new friend (they have only been friend-safe since... sometime in May) and putting a smiley face sticker on them... just cause I was feeling mischievous. lol OK, so that made me a little scared, but just because I didn't know how they'd react... they passed with flying colors of course!

Having people around me that can hold space for me... and hoping that I also hold space for them... to just be completely authentic. No judgment. No pressure. No fear. Just being able to be ... myself! <3