Dating Foreign Women as a Single Father

There are certain complications that come with dating foreign women. There’s the distance, the language barrier, and cultural considerations. But there’s one thing that can make all those other complications seem like meaningless drivel in comparison.

That complication is children. Maybe you have them and, depending on how old they are, they can really salt your game.

Older kids, like teenagers, might not be keen on someone replacing their stepmother and may grow to resent your foreign bride. Younger kids might demand so much attention that dating becomes really hard. Grown kids may look at your fiancé and come to the conclusion that she’s after something other than marriage, like a green card or your money.

Now, there are a few things you can do to make the transition easier for everyone involved.

Make your priorities known.

Before you get any kind of serious about a romantic relationship, you need to let your date/girlfriend/fiancé/person that you haven’t defined the relationship with know that your kids are your top priority. It’s only fair. That way, she’ll be able to decide if she’s ready to be a parent and you won’t waste time falling for someone who isn’t.

This also extends to your children. They might think that his new woman in your life is some temptress hellbent on taking their dad away from them. You can assure them that that’s not the case and that you fully intend to still be their dad even after you become some new woman’s husband.

Take it slow.

You’re not going to go on one date and immediately find someone who’s going to be the perfect wife to you and the perfect stepmother to your children. Okay, you could. But you’re not likely to.

You will probably meet a woman that you like and you’re going to need time to get to know her as well as time to let her get acclimated to the idea of becoming a stepparent. Some people might not be, some people might need time to reflect on it.

Don’t just jump right into a relationship. Take it slow and give it time to percolate and get ready.

Get your ex involved.

If you have children who are not legally adults yet, then they might--depending on whatever custody agreement you have with your ex--live with you either full-time or part-time. In any case, they’re going to be in the same house as your would-be wife.

You’re going to have to get your ex involved. No, you don’t need their approval. But as the mother of your children, they’re going to have the right to know about the people that you’re bringing into their lives.

If you can get your ex onboard with your new relationship, then she can help you ease the kids into it as well. It’d be great for the kids to see you guys presenting a united front despite the dissolution of your romantic relationship.

Take it slow with the kids.

A new stepparent is a pretty big change for kids and it can be jarring for them, especially if they’ve already gone through a big change in the past. A big change like their parents splitting up or one of them dying.

Now along comes their dad with a new paramour that might become a stepparent.

This can be especially jarring for younger children because they might not have developed the proper tools to regulate their emotions.

So ease your kids into the idea of a new stepparent. Don’t just spring it on them out of the blue. Give them time to get used to the idea of a new parental figure. Make it clear that you’re not looking for someone to replace their mother.

Introduce your kids to her culture.

If the woman that could be your kids’ stepmom is from a different country, then it might be a good idea to introduce them to her culture. For example, if your paramour is Russian, then take your kids to a Russian restaurant. If she’s Mexican, then maybe start watching some telenovelas.

Just find some small way to introduce your fiancé’s culture to your kids so it’s not as jarring for them.

Maybe take a trip.

Another way to get your kids acclimated with your fiancé’s culture is to take a trip to her home country. This serves a few purposes other than introducing your fiancé’s culture to your kids; one, it’d be a great family vacation. Two, it provides an opportunity for your kids to get to know your fiancé’s family. You’re all going to be in each other’s lives so you might as well get acquainted.

Sign a prenup.

If your kids are on the older side, like teenagers or full-grown adults, then it might not be the change in life that gets to them. Maybe they’ll become suspicious of your new fiancé. Maybe they’ll come to the conclusion that your fiancé only wants your money, if you have any, or a green card.

You can assuage their fears that your fiancé only wants your money by introducing a prenup into the equation. Find a lawyer, have them draft a prenuptial agreement, and then you and your fiancé sign it before you sign the marriage license. This ought to assuage some of their fears that she’s a gold-digger.

Now, when it comes to the issue of a green card, there’s not really a lot you can do. Marrying you will make her eligible for one and that’s that.

A lot of people come into a relationship with baggage. Maybe that baggage is some hurt that they’re carrying from a previous relationship. But there are times when that baggage is a little more corporeal than some emotional trauma. Sometimes that baggage requires round the clock care and you actually kind of love it.

But just because you’re coming into a relationship having already lived a life doesn’t mean you don’t get to build a new one. You have a past, but you also have a future. That past might affect your future, but you don’t have to let it define that future entirely.