Dating Duds: Series

I've had the belly-busting hilarious privilege of meeting some men on dating apps that I call "Dating Duds." I'll write my dating backstory in another article, but this series just screams at me from the screenshots of beyond strange individuals that I've encountered with online dating.

From Bumble, Match, Eharmony, Plenty of Fish, Tinder, and of course the cesspool that is the Facebook "dating" section, there are some oddballs out there (and yes the pun is intended). As a cisgender woman in her 30's, I find myself with the perspective about dating that I don't want a guy's energy or vibe unless he meets me halfway and is willing to give and take. No alpha males, burly bearded Brawny-men (the plaid shirt is fine, just not the extreme wooliness on their person), hunters that think displaying their latest kill as a profile picture is an attractive quality, or let-me-show-off-my-body-to-get-laid guys either. I don't want a fuck-buddy. I want a friend that I also want to fuck. That seems to be a rarity no matter the gender.

Let us begin this series with a less noxious man who sincerely thinks of himself as a "southern gentleman." His profile tagline reads like this: "A 6'4, 240lb, tall dark & handsome I'm only interested in friendship with smart sexy beautiful woman. I don't drink but if you don't look like your profile I'll drink until you do."

Let's let the grammar slide, but it is a problem when I read something that I have to constantly decipher what they are even saying because the grammar is so bad (I totally understand when I learn of some issue or second language learner situation). Dud comes out of the chute shooting his shot with some qualities women seem to think are "dealbreakers"--the whole tall, dark, and handsome trope. Dud thinks that is gonna get him some immediate Brownie points. He makes it somewhat clear that he is looking for smart, sexy, and beautiful "woman?" There is clearly only one such woman for him.

He finishes his criteria up with a tongue-in-cheek joke about how women look better when the man is drunk. This toxic masculinity trope is so dead to me. I don't want to hear about how you will "put up" with something about me that you don't really care for or appreciate because you don't constantly have a boner when in my presence.

Character and integrity are what I expect and live up to for myself. I do not require someone to be a saint. I require someone to care about themselves and the people around them. A man who makes flippant comments about the way someone looks and judges a woman, especially by her sexiness to him, is a flat-out fool wandering the world waiting to be dumped over and over again by women who use men to whatever extent they want and can get away with. More power to the men and women that can live with that level of selfishness and toxic behavior. It's the casual way men throw around the discussion of a woman's body for me. Objects of lust is how some men see women period. Dating dud number one was just the first of many who ride the coattails of the Don Drapers of the world.

Good luck dating dud number one, you have been weighed and measured and found wanting. You shot your shot but came up missing.

*All names are changed when they have been given to protect the privacy of the individuals. The specific app that was used for each profile will also not be shared.*