Dating App Bios and the Implications They Might Give

We all know dating apps suck. Don't lie. If you can name one person who genuinely likes, or even... loves (yikes), dating apps for the purpose of actually dating, you might actually be required by law to receive a whole $5 from each dating app. That's how much they suck.

I think anyone who has used such an app before will have a story to share - and no, I'm not talking about success stories. Whether it be a horror story of meeting in person for that dreaded first date or nightmare stories of trying to get a match that actually responds, we all have one.

But what about those awful bios?

Some of y'all don't have a bio at all.

And to those of you who don't:

You suck.

That's right, I said it.

I hate people who just expect you to swipe right on them based solely on their pictures. We get it, you're attractive. You're "too good" to put any effort into dating apps. You're sick of putting in work for no results. Whatever your reasoning, all it tells me is that if you can't even put the time and/or effort into a basic bio, then you probably won't put much into dating me either.

Verdict: I rarely swipe right on profiles with no bio - especially if they also have fewer than two photos in them, or if most of the photos are not of the person whose profile it is.

Some of y'all have generic bios.

You're not creative. And that's fine. Not everyone is creative. It's not necessarily something I like, but honestly something is better than nothing. Just please, for the love of everything good in this world, don't use hiking, anything outdoors, or the gym as your entire personality. We get it. You like being active and you find nature drool-worthy. There's got to be something more to you than hiking and lifting heavy things. I'm sure you feel the same way about women who are obsessed with dogs.

Verdict: I might swipe right depending on the specifics of the bio or the pictures. If the pictures depict a lifestyle that doesn't match mine at all I'll swipe left. If the pictures look like something I would be interested in, I might swipe right.

Some of y'all try to get creative.

And I do appreciate it! Naturally, my opinion of the creativity depends on the type of humor or character one puts into it, but I always appreciate a bio that shows effort. That said, if it involves hyper specific references to something in particular, chances are I won't get it, which cycles right back to the generic bio in that I may or may not swipe right.

Verdict: I'm much more likely to swipe right if you're funny or unique, though I hope that should go unsaid, but too much specificity might hurt you more than harm you.

Some of y'all just use emojis.

Why? Just why? That's what I really want to know.

We have enough images on dating apps. We don't live in the age of hieroglyphics and pictographs. Add some words for the love of sweet baby Jesus.

It's even better when the emojis aren't adding anything beyond what would have otherwise been an unbelievably generic bio. I'm not trying to decipher a bio that says literally the exact same thing as everyone else's.

Verdict: I highly dislike all-emoji bios but there's more to a profile than just the bio.

Some of y'all can't write a coherent sentence to save your life.

Verdict: Pretty much an immediate swipe left. There's nothing more to it. And before anyone gets too uppity with me for it, let me just acknowledge that there is a huge difference between a few typos, a non-native English speaker, and someone who just can't spell. The first two are noticeably different from the latter, and the latter is what I'm referring to with this type of bio. Constant blatant disregard for basic communication skills just isn't up my alley.

Some of y'all cant include accurate information.

You know the ones I'm talking about. The ones where the bio says something like, "Actually [insert age that doesn't match the age listed in the profile]". Get yourself together, man. There's a reason I have my settings set to a specific age range. I'm not looking to date and/or hookup with a child or with someone twice my age.

Verdict: If the bio says something about how the listed age is wrong, I will swipe left. End of.

But what about me, you might ask?

Well, I've had several different bios in my time. Looking back, I wish I'd been paying closer attention to which ones seemed to be most successful for me. Although, there was a time where I was switching around between them often enough that I'd have had to ask my matches which bio they saw when they swiped right on me. So let's take a look at some of them, shall we?

Exhibit A

Tall, dark, and handsome. Oh wait. We're supposed to be talking about me here...

Actually average, pretty white, mildly humorous to make up for the rest. I say cool beans and awesome sauce. You're probably taller than me, if you're into that, and I've got all my teeth, if you're into that.

Swipe left if you're not down to dig deep on a first date, ain't nobody got time for nothing but small talk.

Exhibit B

Had a better bio but I guess I'm too wordy for Tinder. Welcome to me.

In grad school. I don't give limp fish handshakes but I do read bios, give head scratches, back rubs, and cuddles. So if that doesn't win you over I don't know what will.

Looking for someone who loves being lazy as much as I do but will also get me out and active. Travel the world with me and let me be your dog's mom.

Exhibit C

- Actually 62 (ages like fine wine)

- 6'5"in 13" heels (can math)

- Will laugh at her own jokes so you don't have to (funny, generous, considerate)

- 4 functional limbs (can hike, travel, or Netflix binge with you)

- Will respond to your message (can converse)

- In grad school (maybe sorta smart)

- Listens to almost all music (most likely won't try to change what you play)

I'm a total catch, prove me wrong!

Exhibit D

One time I made it out of Target with just the one thing I needed so you can say I've got the important life skills.

Honestly just looking for someone to scratch that tough to reach spot on my back because my current tactic of shimmying up against random objects is starting to get me some weird looks.

Exhibit E

Jeans and t-shirt aficionado with an appreciation for makeup-free faces. Lover of books, travel, pictures, cold weather, and dogs. Owner of a never ending Netflix list. Sarcastic. Curious. Intrigued by unsolved mysteries and psychology. Excited by the sky. Night owl.

Exhibit F

Not looking to get married tomorrow but maybe next week. Swipe right if you're down. #yolo

I'm cool with friends or something serious so do with that what you will. Either way you could be the Jake to my Amy.

I'm looking to click with someone. Let's be pen pals and let things fizzle before they go anywhere.

Ultimately, my ideal recipe includes:

Some inkling of a sense of humor

Show some character

Give me something unique about yourself

Something that gives me a peek into who you are

Something that implies what you're looking for

Honesty (i.e., use the appropriate name/age, etc.)

If any of this gave you a fresh perspective on dating app bios, or you found inspiration from my example bios, please consider leaving a tip.