Dating Isn't Easy.

I went on a date a couple weeks ago. My first one in a while. The first one I was really looking forward to in quite a while too.

He was cute. Not like out of my league cute, but not "settling" cute either.

We clicked so well over text. The banter and joking was fantastic. Even the date went fairly well, he didn't let silence take over and the conversation flowed nicely.

I didn't feel anything afterward though. I know the movie idea of love isn't real life. I know "the spark" is an unrealistic expectation. I know it takes time to truly get to know someone.

But the two times that I have truly felt a strong enough connection with someone to love them, I felt something with them the first time we met. It may not have been love at first sight, or love at first meet, but there was undeniable chemistry and a bond that was instant.

That feeling is what I keep searching for, hoping for.

And every single time, I'm let down again and again.

I didn't text him after the date because I wasn't really sure how I felt about it. I also was hoping that he would text first. Ironically, he ultimately did text me first, while I was talking about him with a friend of mine on the phone. I didn't open it right away. But I'll admit my heart may have slightly fluttered a bit when I saw his name pop up even though I didn't really feel much of anything with him.

He told me he had a great time and, although he didn't feel a romantic connection, he would like to hang out sometime if I was interested.

Go figure.

I'm not disappointed per se, but that doesn't stop me from feeling a little bit let down anyway. I'm fairly set on remaining single for life at this point. Three years single and the only person I've gone on more than one date with never really seemed all that interested in me. Well, at least I was getting strongly mixed signals and I ultimately never heard from him again so I can only assume he wasn't all that interested if he just let things fade away without even so much as a "been a while, how's it going?".

See those were great dates actually. We matched on a dating app. We hit it off over text and went back and forth fairly regularly from there on out. He was sweet enough to be willing to put off a date with me for over a week because I got sick right around the same time he asked me to go out.

We met up at a bar and hit it off right away. We "bar hopped" (to only one other bar) and chatted for hours. We parted ways on a good note and he told me to get in touch if I felt so inclined. I may have hopped on that wagon real quick and texted him only day or two later to ask if he wanted to go out again.

He agreed and that time we did dinner. That was a bit of an eventful night (no, not what you're thinking... he had car troubles). I ended up driving him home and we kissed, though.

He was beyond embarrassed about his car troubles and I was honestly genuinely concerned that his shame somehow would have scared him away. So I reached out first again. I didn't ask anything about going out, I just sent a casual text about how I hoped he got his car problems worked out. He responded shortly and asked if I was free that night. We pre-gamed at a tiny, cute little bar and then grabbed dinner. He kissed me again after that date.

Those kisses were awfully awkward and certainly, arguably, the worst first (and second) kisses I've had, which isn't exactly saying much considering I've not had many first kisses.

He, again, told me to hit him up if I wanted to go out again. I tried to out wait him this time. But, again, I got impatient. We had talked about some activities he's into so I texted him with a half jokester inquiry about doing one of those activities. We ended up playing pool for the fourth date. I learned that I'm absolutely horrifyingly awful at pool. But we had fun. No kiss after this date, though. I was supposed to leave on a trip a few days later and he told me to get in touch when I got back.

I never did.

I won't lie. Over a year later, I still sometimes think about him and question why I intentionally blew what may have been my only successful dating experience.

At the time I just assumed that if he was interested he would have reached out at some point. Considering I had been the first one to reach out after the first, second, and third date, I hoped he would have actually wanted to reach out this time. There was absolutely nothing stopping him from doing so. He knew where I was going and when I was coming back. But I never heard from him and I never reached out to him again.

He's since shown up for me twice more on the same dating app we met on. The first time, I swiped right again, thinking maybe we could match again and start over. But when that didn't work that first time I saw him on the app again, I swiped left the next time I saw him again.

I'm genuinely not sure I ever saw him as anything romantic but we clicked and he was honestly probably the most attractive person I've met off a dating app.

I know looks aren't everything, but they are a part of a package deal for me.

So when I matched with an even more attractive guy recently, and we clicked so well, I got a little excited. He lives a little over an hour away from me so I didn't get too excited. Those ones never go anywhere anyway. He eventually asked me to go out though - and he even drove all the way to me instead of asking to meet in the middle!

We met at a boba tea shop and took a walk to a nearby park. It was nice. He said he's a pretty quiet guy, especially around new people, but there wasn't a single awkward silence or weird pause or anything. We clicked so so well.

And that scares the living hell out of me.

I'm scared of my bad judgment. I'm scared of ruining something good. I'm scared of getting ahead of myself. I'm scared of letting myself get excited. I'm scared of being too happy. I'm scared of him losing interest. I'm scared of getting hurt.

We've already set up a second date, for exactly one week after our first, and I'm really looking forward to it. I'm not sure that I necessarily see him as a potential partner just yet, but I'm just thrilled to have someone I clicked with so well. These people are so few and far between - and even when I do come across one they usually don't live anywhere near me so this is a really nice surprise.

The pitfall being that I also recently received my first, and scheduled the second, interview for a new job that would require me to move out of state.

Just my luck.

It's still only around 5-7 hours away by car, so doable, but not for someone you've just met. Right?

It's crazy to even consider making that sort of drive for a weekend trip to visit someone you just met. Right?

It's a huge commitment for someone who is still essentially a total stranger. Right?

I don't understand this whole 'dating' thing. I don't know what counts as appropriate and what counts as rushing things. I don't know when is the right time to do some things versus other things. I don't want to be the girl who leaves everything in the guy's lap, but I also don't want to totally screw things up because I don't know what I'm doing.

I hate dating because we go into it with the intention of meeting people as potential partners instead of just meeting people and letting it progress naturally. If we click, we click. If it grows into something more, great. If it doesn't, then we have a new friend. But with dating - apps especially - we just reject anyone we're not immediately attracted to right off the bat, and then from that already much smaller pool of potential matches, we also reject the ones we don't click with personality wise or who we don't feel anything for right away on the first date. It makes it impossible to find anyone worth our time.

But maybe that's just me.

Maybe there's just something wrong with me in particular.

I get into these moods sometimes, and I know it's not healthy or anything, but I just feel like Sadness from that Pixar movie, Inside Out. Like even just the prospect of being happy makes me sad because I'm afraid I'll lose it.

I know we aren't supposed to rely on others for our happiness, and I'm not someone who will put that on anyone else's shoulders, but having someone by my side would certainly help with my overall happiness. The past couple of weeks have been great for the most part. Better than usual even. I think it may have something to do with Christmas coming up honestly. But I can feel the drop coming and it feels like it's going to be really bad when it hits.

And I'm honestly not sure I can take another disappointment, let alone another heartbreak.