Daryl and the Barn Owl

Are you a pleasant person? No? Oh my, okay-- no need to be so aggressive about it. If you happen to know any pleasant people, they might be a lot like Daryl Dimpies: A thoroughly polite and charming individual, soft-spoken, gives to charities, tips well, flosses regularly and compliments often. Daryl was mostly well-liked in his community (with the exception of some perpetually fussy grouch-boxes) and enjoyed stopping by his local coffee shop in the mornings or evenings.

"Good morning and welcome to Sergeant Roastful's coffee." said the barista, in monotone, engaged in her work. She looked up and broke into a smile. "Oh, hi Mr. Daryl! You want your usual today?"

"Hi Patty," Daryl replied, "that would be great, yes."

"ONE TWO SHOT EGGNOG CANNON BLASTER WITH LIGHT MILK HOLD THE SPRINKLES!" screamed Patty, to the mysterious back of the kitchen. Patty and Daryl had a little bit of small talk about the topics of the day.

"I have to show you!" said Patty, fumbling around under the counter for something. "It's the new logo I'm designing for my startup." She pulled out a sketch pad and quickly flipped through a few pages. "Here it is," she said, holding out the notebook to him, "What do you think?"

Daryl froze for a split second. On the paper was an image of something he was definitely not at all fond of. Luckily, he switched gears in time to make an assessment without losing his composure.

"It's very nice! That takes some talent, I never was any good at drawing." He nearly broke a sweat. But he did have to admit the composition was excellent in spite of any feelings he had about the subject matter.

"Thank you so much! It's my favorite type of bird," said Patty, admiring her work with a warm smile. "They're just so... majestic. Okay, here's your drink! Let me know if it needs anything, and you be good out there, all right?"

"Will do, thank you Patty." Daryl quickly put the incident out of his mind and headed out.

"What a sweetheart," remarked Patty as she watched him leave, "not a mean bone in him." She went back to smashing walnuts with a frighteningly large hammer.

On the way out, Daryl noticed a little table had been set up outside the shop with various baked goods displayed upon it. He stopped to take a look.

"Would you... would you like to stupport... support the local..." stuttered a very small voice from what seemed to be under the table.

Daryl peeked over and saw a small child in a white and brown uniform. "Oh hello! Certainly, I'll take a box of the December Crunchlites. How much are they?"

The child continued to goggle wide-eyed at him. "Seven dollars and each dollar goes to support the local Barn Owls Club--"

Daryl suddenly crushed his coffee cup in his hand, exploding walnut topping everywhere and dousing himself in burning hot beverage.

"I will never support the Barn Owls!" he shouted, and ran away as fast as he could.

When he regained his composure, he found he was already blocks away. He felt tense and tingly all over. It's okay, he told himself, it's just a bird. Not a problem at all. "I'll just chew some gum and relax on the rest of the way to work--WAAGH!"

"DARYL DIMPIES, is that you?!" shouted someone from a decidedly less than shouting distance. "It IS you! My stars and gardens! How have you been? It's been so long and you look as svelte as a..."

Turns out it was none other than Kiki Farnsworth, an old acquaintance of Daryl's from his Cribbage tournament days. "Oh, hi Kiki," he said, recovering and mopping his brow. "Nice to see you too, can we catch up later? I'm on my way to work."

Kiki slapped her thigh and waved an elbow out in front of her. "Shucks Darrie, is that so? I've just come from the most exciting thing, you won't believe it, it's an aviary--"

"Must be off!" shouted Daryl in twice his normal register, "Ta-ta for now! Give me a call and we'll talk all about it!" By this point he was already a speck in the distance.

"All right!" shouted Kiki, basically to the clouds at this point. "Was he always so... punctual?" she mused.

He arrived at work a little late on account of running all the way there and leaving his perfectly good Subaru Impreza back at the parking lot. Still feeling a little unsettled, he sat down at his desk and began checking emails. It had been a hectic morning, but he made it through. Surely the quiet of the office would set the tone for the rest of the day.

Dover popped his head in. "Morning Daryl, everything alright? Your hand looks a little red. And your hair is sort of... wild and unkempt. And it looks like you're out of breath. And kind of sweaty. And it looks like you lost a shoe somewhere. But, um, your teeth look fantastic!" he added, not wanting to start the day too poorly.

"I'm alright, thank you, Mr. Dover." answered Daryl, attempting to fix his hair with his hands. "Are we still working with the Avery campaign?"

"No, great news!" exclaimed Dover, clapping his hands together. "We fired them, and we just signed on a new client, the Brisby Barnaby Barn Owls--"

"I have a family emergency!" cried Daryl, and hurriedly rushed out of the office all in a tizzy.

He managed to make it home in one piece and locked all the doors and windows. He sat down on the couch and took a few deep breaths. "All right. We're okay. We're okay. Let's just watch some television." He grabbed the remote and switched it on.

"Oh, thank goodness," he sighed with relief, "Mama's Family reruns." He sat back and watched a little while until the first commercial break.

A barn owl in a crisp three-piece suit appeared on the screen. "Have you been injured on the job or at home? We want to help YOU. At the law firm of Towls, Browls and Owls..."

"NO!" wailed Daryl, quickly shutting off the television. He turned on the radio instead. "Support your local Union 29 today! This message brought to by BOCAUSE, the Barn Owl Coalition of Amateur Unified Stylists Enumerated..."

Daryl flailed his arms about in a wild gesture, snapped the radio off, and ran into the bathroom and locked the door. He splashed some cold water on his face. Surely peace was to be found here in the sacred porcelain chamber. That is, until a bird landed on the windowsill.

"PAGH!" he cried, knocking a cup of q-tips all over the floor. "Oh," he relaxed, "it's just a crow." He sat down, sighed and watched the bird as it stared through the window.

"Hoo." said the crow.

"NAY, I SAY!" shouted Daryl, hurling himself right back out of the bathroom and landing belly first on the floor. He scrambled upwards and frantically looked around a few times for any other owl-related interruptions.

"All right boys, march step! Ready?! One, two!" a voice shouted from outside. "This year's Barn Owl Moonlight parade is going to take the town by storm!" There was a raucous chorus of shouts and cheers as, indeed, a rather dashing and impeccably in-step formation of barn owls of all shapes and sizes began to tromp down the street outside in various outfits and tall hats.

Daryl shrieked and burst out the front door, dashing through the streets. People gawked in confusion. "Who is that crazed one-shoe man?" they asked. Daryl continued through backyards, over fences, through an amusement park, across an ice rink, into a football stadium and was distracted just long enough by the local sports team mascot Barney to run smack into a wall. He lost consciousness.

He awoke in a bed in the hospital. He blinked a few times, trying to focus. His head was still ringing.

"Ah, good morning, Mr. Dimpies," said the doctor, "how are you feeling? I'm surprised you're awake already. You managed to sustain no less than forty-seven injuries from a single accident! We're all rather impressed. I'll have the nurse check up on you in a little bit. Oh! And it looks like you have a visitor already."

"Hi Dad," said Dinty, as he approached the bed.

"Oh, son..." said Daryl, in a more controlled tone now, "I was afraid you might see me like this. You know what happened, don't you?"

"I know." said Dinty, quietly. "I miss Mom too. I know it's hard for you."

"But listen," he added, pulling up a chair and sitting down. "This is really important, okay? You have to forgive yourself. I know all the things you run through your mind over and over again, what if I had done this, or maybe it's all for the best, or if only I had thought it through. It'll go on forever that way. You don't have to beat yourself up. It's okay that things turned out the way they did, and there's nothing wrong with you. It's okay to just let it go and be free. Life is so full of opportunities and potential just waiting for you to awaken to it. You don't have to stay in the same place and do the same things and be the person you think you've become. Just think of all the things you haven't experienced yet-- and then try to imagine the things you can't even imagine! That could be you and your future. You're an amazing person Dad, and the world deserves to benefit from that. You do too."

"But," Daryl said weakly, "she left me... for a barn owl..."

"It's all right, Dad. Nobody blames you or anyone else. And also, it was a snowy owl."

"Oh... yeah...." muttered Daryl, sleepily, "I always get those... mixed up..." and he passed out peacefully on his pillow.

So, dear reader, if you are tormented in your life by your own personal barn owl, remember: Whatever happens, happens, and if you look closely enough, you might find that what seems to be an endless source of torment or frustration turns out to be not quite what you thought it was. In fact, it might just be something a little bit... silly.

EPILOGUE:

Daryl recovered from his multitudinous injuries (one of which was a bruised spleen). He bought a new lease on life and a new lease on a Toyota corolla. He continued working until retirement, after which he spent a few months travelling the Appalachian trail and eventually settled in a small town where he became an unexpectedly famous trombonist. He is cool with birds of all varieties now.

Dinty started a used car dealership. It became popular for its wild marketing gimmicks (Beans for Beemers; Buy A Car, Get a Camel, etc.) and its tame, somber television commercials. He dislikes stew.

The Barn Owl Moonlight parade accidentally marched into another town and were arrested on charges of Hat Exaggeration. They are currently serving community service hours by running outreach programs catered towards birds who have lost one or more legs.

BOCAUSE is still running strong and working on a less punny-sounding name for their organization.

Towls, Browls and Owls was dissolved when it came to light that one of the three (names not disclosed) was running a Ponzi scheme on the side. The remaining two members went on to other boring occupations.

Mama's Family, as of this writing, may or may not still be in syndication somewhere.

Mr. Dover went on to start an alligator farm. They love him.

Kiki Farnsworth got married and had nine children. She and her husband stumbled upon a chemical formula that turned out to be the most unexpected mind-blowing advance in neuroscience and changed the face of humanity as we know it. Kiki also likes waffle fries.

The local Barn Owls chapter continued to sell cookies and such. The aforementioned child grew up to be a completely regular person.

Patty Pepperton eventually left the coffee shop to go back to college. She was never seen again, and it is unclear if she knew where the college was.