dancing all alone

Every night at midnight, the purple clouds came out to dance with the blushing sky. They would dance together till the early dawn when the blush turned into a content blue, while I stood alone, watching wistfully.

Hello, my love. I decided to write you a letter. It’s more romantic this way.

Night after night, I watched, they danced, and I cried. I mourned a lost love. My friends surrounded me with their drinks and merriment, half-heartedly attempting to cheer me up. All these songs about halves and I didn't even feel like half a person. I felt nothing. I was numb in every sense of the word. You couldn't be bothered to care and now you don't care enough to fix a heart you I broke. I never knew a heart could break itself.

My friends. Were they really my friends? I hadn't called a single one of them when we broke up because they wouldn't care. Broke. You broke up with me breaking down. You were the half-light that was beginning to heal me. I didn't see your other half until too late. Late. You realized what you had lost too late. It took me cutting off contact before you realized how valuable I am. If I were you, I'd hate me too.

I had have so many questions. It doesn't hurt anymore but I wanted to write you a letter about how it felt to be dancing all alone happy, with the purple clouds making the sky blush pink. I wanted to tell you that I'm moving on, finding myself, thriving. I did not raise myself with a wolf in my chest only howl about losing a child man.

I can't tell you that though. At least not yet. Moving on?✔️ Finding myself? I'm getting there. I have friends now, real ones that you can't separate me from. Through bad days but I learned to wake up without you. I’m still numb. I’m so numb I can’t even use an exclamation mark in this letter to you. It was never love. It was a drug; I became addicted to your fool’s gold quicker than I ever have before. I'm afraid of the ways that you changed me. It's stained my heart and I knew...That it wasn't love, because you're just a drug. And I knew it was never enough for us. It wouldn't last.

If I think about it long enough I want to scream about the whole situation. I was stupid, easy, and naive. You were a predator, and I made the perfect prey for you to seduce and then leave. It all felt like a dream to be honest. These words to you are pouring out of me, like lavender water over an amethyst waterfall. I miss the closeness, the warmth, the spontaneous routine. I’m running after something trying to catch your ghost, holding onto pictures and the smell of your clothes. Why am I running after you if I’m the one who pushed you away?

The world is fading to black as I start screaming, trying to wake up from this nightmare. But the pain is all too real, I physically feel ill but strangely calm. It’s real. It’s exciting. I’m finishing this letter while I sit here with a full needle, patiently waiting till I have everything out into the open. I’m writing this in real-time, so you know exactly how I left. I’m tying the band around my left bicep because I always inject with my right. Bet you guessed I was going to say that! The needle gliding in always pricks a bit but as I inject the dreamy substance I start to smile and fade gratefully into the black bliss. I’m dancing all alone, once again.

Goodbye, my love. Always remember I love you. Laurel <3

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“Laurel?! Wake up! Laurel, I need you to open your eyes, sweetheart.”