confused...

Why do we do the things that we do..? What I mean by that is sabotaging relationships, friendships, career opportunities etc...

I have a friend who had returned home for a visit, met a man and instantly fell hard for him. She ignored all the red flags not only that, she lied to herself by trying to make herself believe she could stay there. There she was back in a place where she knew she never belonged or even fit in for that matter. The man was much older than her and was suffering from a painful heartache from losing his wife a year earlier. He was so lonely that he had her move in with him a few months after dating. From the start there were issues, his adult children were against it, his friends were all jealous and certain people of town were telling lies about her. They were intimidated by her from not being from there, being young, beautiful and very talented. She was feeling very lost, very depressed and her world began to fall apart. As she fought so hard to stay with him she wasn’t happy being there. He was very heartbroken over losing his wife. He had been suffering from other health issues and he had a serious drinking problem. Which right away she should have left and went back home. Something kept pulling her to him and it was very hard for her to stay with him. There wasn’t that connection and bond that couples and love have when they first get together. It was more like being roommates and friends than being lovers. It had gotten so painful for her because he would get drunk and call her by his late wife’s name. This went on constantly with him and it was affecting her. She became very depressed and soon pre menopause hit her. She was wanting to leave him so many times because she didn’t feel loved by him at all. He never showed interest in her romantically and when he would he made her feel cheap and bad. There was never any real affection between them unless he had been drinking or it was convenient for him. Things had got worse and the fighting got worse between them.

What confuses me is how can one claim to be in love with a person who does this ? How can one love that person or vice versa and say they want to be with them only when they aren’t around? Why do some people chase and become obsessed with another person? She had even claim that she still loved the guy but wasn’t in love with him anymore. How can one be with another person and yet doesn’t want to help them and care for them when they’re hurt and sick? The guy had made her feel like a stranger just someone living with him to keep him company so he would’ve be alone. She began to feel like that was all she was there for because he never included her with his family events. Never spent holidays with her or did things with her on her birthday and such. They never did anything that couples do. All he cared about was spending time by himself drinking beer all day or having fun with his friends. Mind you the guy is in his 60’s and acts as if he’s still in high school. It took her some time to pull herself together, get strong again and finally leave him for good. She had too much to lose by staying in relationship with someone who couldn’t give her what she needed and obviously never really loved her.

One thing that hurts her the most was how he had proposed several times to her and made a fool out of her. There was so much emotional abuse she that had caused her serious anxiety and triggered her PTSD. To this day he still claims to love her, says he wants to get back with her and such. But this time she’s not going back to him. She stronger, happier and more alive now than she’s felt in years. I just don’t understand what brings us to the point where we ignore red flags, and warning signs of people? Why must we become weak and feel like we aren’t worthy or deserve better or allow us to stay with someone who hurts us. Maybe these are all just life lessons that we must go through in life.