Capaldi's Doctor Who Reminded Me Of Who I Am - And Why That's Okay

It doesn't matter if you've ever seen Doctor Who before or not - Peter Capaldi's Doctor Had One Of The Most Profound Endings A Character In ANY Story EVER Could Have.

It would hit a little less hard if you were ignorant of all the back story leading up to these silver screen moments that are meant to tear your heart out of your chest, throw it on the ground and stomp on it, and then have the audacity to put it back in your chest again.

Seems dramatic, doesn't it?

It could be labeled as such. For some people whose brains don't have the capacity to take every detail of things and look for any and all connections to the meaning of my life until I'm sleepless and exhausted... it's just another story with a good hero.

But for me, ugly -crying with my sister to Capaldi's Doctor's final episodes is a balm that not only stings but soothes a long exposed and festering wound on my soul.

For me, resonating with Capaldi's Doctor who struggles with his past and his memories and so many lifetimes of mistakes and regrets and feeling utterly powerless despite being a fucking TIMELORD who can cheat time and space and death again and again. It would frustrate me too. My own helplessness in my own reality and everything I've gone through, all of my regrets for my mistakes... and I'm just a regular person not responsible for the misplacement of my entire species for hundreds of years.

I am also misunderstood. I do what I can with what I have. Sometimes I have to make decisions that seem callous and unforgiving to protect my family. To protect myself, to do what I must do, I am relentless. I've never taken the easy way on myself, despite doing so would have been so much easier. But there is a part of myself, whether it be hubris or virtue that will not allow my actions to stoop to certain levels.

I will bare my teeth and I will hurt who I have to hurt to protect those who need to be protected. I often find myself stepping out of line to stand in front of others. I have found myself alone more times than I can count because no matter what, I will not lie. People have left me because I would do what was right within my heart at all times, no matter who hated me for it. No matter even if they didn't understand. I would do what I had to do if I thought it could make a change or a difference.

If I had to fight the world to protect one stranger by myself, I would do it. Simply because it is right. No matter if my own father frowned at me for doing so. So the depths I would go to for someone I love? Unfathomable. I would do unforgivable things. Without a thought, I would destroy WORLDS for my children. And I would live the rest of my life grieving, trying to atone for my sins - crying tears of real guilt - knowing I would do it again in a heartbeat. And I would do it for a stranger or their child too.

In the beginning of the end, in an episode after his companion has been turned into a Cyberman while protecting people she didn't know, he gives a spiel to The Doctor's long-standing rival, best friend, and mortal enemy: The Master and his regeneration of himself, The Mistress, otherwise known as Missy.

The relationship goes back thousands of years worth of obsession, betrayal, love, and loyalty all colliding at various times throughout time and space, and history. Things get complicated, as they are bound to, right? Not to mention the Master (and Missy, though altered a bit for the better I think) is a complete psychopath...

They said to him: "You can't win. Why bother?"

An army of robot cyberman super weapons are on their way, and they can get in the ship and leave the humans in this particular world to their fate. Why are you trying to change it? Why try to save them? You're not going to win this battle or war, you're going to die trying, so why the hell would you do it?

I remember his speech had us (me and sis) leaking both tears and snot. I know that for both of us on so many levels The Doctors response hit us so close to home that we couldn't help but feel the ache of each and every one of the scars that she and I bare invisibly on our souls from so much damage caused at the hands of people who just... weren't kind.

"Winning?! Is that what you think it's about? I am not trying to win! I'm not doing this because I want to beat someone or because I hate someone or because I want to blame someone. It's not because it's fun and GOD KNOWS it's NOT easy! It's not even because it works because it hardly ever does! I do what I do because it's RIGHT! And it's decent. And above all, it's kind. It's just that. Just kind. If I run away today good people will die. If I stand and fight some of them might live. Maybe not many, maybe not for long. Hey, you know, maybe there's no point in any of this at all but it's the BEST I CAN DO! So I'm GOING TO DO IT! And I will STAND HERE DOING IT TILL IT KILLS ME! You're going to die too, some day. How will that be? Have you thought about it? What would you die for? Who I am is where I stand. Where I stand, is where I fall. Stand with me. Maybe we can help, a little. Why not, just at the end, just be kind?" - the 12th Doctor

I have always done what was 'right.' Right for me, for what I was taught, for what I was raised. I have stepped in front of fists. I have defended people who were more scared than I was - perhaps because they weren't as used to pain as I am. I have struggled and thrashed and fought and inched my way every step of the way. And I have pulled as many uphill with me as I can. Inch by inch. I have done this and more and would do even more if I could just because it's the right thing to do.

I often feel powerless, like nothing I've ever done has ever mattered or amounted to anything. I have fought and struggled and fallen and been beaten down and lifted other people up before myself and chosen kindness and honesty and to stand sentinel against others for other peoples sake.

And time after time I could have stepped on other people to climb higher, to be better off than I am now. But that would have required hurting someone else. I can't help but watch as other people rise at the expense of other living creatures with disgust and jealousy. I wish I could be like that. But to be that way, even should I become successful or powerful or wealthy, it would break everything I've ever stood for. I would lose myself.

So I choose to try and be kind - which means I usually take the long way around.

It's what we should do for each other. As people. The things I would do for someone else. And I have never understood why I felt so alone in this mindset. Because I do. I have found that most people with good intentions have ulterior motives. They aren't being kind just because that's what we should do. They do it to go to heaven. They do it for the clout. They do it for the recognition. They do it for the self-satisfaction.

And that makes vibrant acts look so much more gray to me.

Human progress isn't measured by industry, it's measured by the value you place on a life. An unimportant life. A life without privilege. The boy who died on the river, that boy's value is your value. That's what defines an age. That's what defines a species. - Peter Capaldi's 12th Doctor Speech

We still have the same problems we've had for generations. And Peter Capaldi, through his take away and his larger than life representation of what it means to truly be kind, and what kind of power kindness has behind it... he reminds me that it's worth what feels like lifetimes of loss and pain - and taking the long way around. He reminds me that no matter the pain we've suffered, change only truly happens through love, mercy, and kindness. And we can either give in to our pain, or we can fight through kindness for a better tomorrow so that our children do not suffer the way we did.

Because the only thing that can truly change the world is genuine kindness. In my life I have seen cruelty break people, shatter them into thousands of pieces. And then I have seen kindness put them back together again.

Myself included amongst the shattered.

Kindness in its truest form is so rare, that I can't be weak and give in to the temptation of losing my kindness now. I need to stop feeding into my unkind urges to join the war between people against people.

I challenge everyone who finds this article to join me in my renewed determination to live a life that I can be proud of, no matter what happens and no matter where I go. To show strength by kindness in the face of unkind and cruel things.

I promise to protect passionately, and love unselfishly; and I promise do so unabashedly and with no regrets. I will try to remain kind, even when standing guard against injustice and things I consider unforgivable. And I will try not to hurt anyone with my anger or confusion. And I will try to be kind, even though I was designed and shaped to be a fighter and survivor.

And I will do it because it's right. It's decent. And above all, it's kind. It's just that. Just kind. Who I am is where I stand and where I stand is where I fall.

So remember darlings, to never be cruel, and never be cowardly. And never ever eat pears. Remember that hate is always foolish, and love is always wise. Laugh hard. Run fast. Be kind.

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