Bridge to Communication

The old saying goes, “communication is key.” However, as we advance in life & grow as accountable & responsibile adults, we learn that the true key to communication is comprehension.

In order for us to understand communication, we must understand what the word communicate means. According to Oxford Languages, communicate means “share or exchange information, news, or ideas.”

Merriam Webster gave this definition: “to transmit information, thought, or feeling so that it is satisfactorily received or understood.”

It seems as if Merriam Webster confirms the thought that was aforementioned. Effective communication is dependent upon comprehension or the satisfactory reception of information.

What is the objective of communication?

The goal of communication is to listen to understand & gain clarity, not to respond.

How does the cycle of communication work?

Scientifically, there are multiple steps & technical terms of communication. For today’s story, I’m only focusing on the simple or layman’s terms.

The cycle of communication is:

Listening.

Contrary to popular belief, listening & hearing are two different things. Hearing is the natural ability to perceive or process sound. Listening is the ability to process what is being said or heard.

Understanding.

Listening leads directly into understanding or comprehension. Understanding occurs when information reaches the ear canals or the eye sight (if deaf & using sign language) & is decoded or broken down by the brain.

Acknowledging.

This step is sometimes skipped. It occurs mostly during disagreements in relationships. Most time the partner or significant other does not feel as if their thoughts, feelings, or requests are acknowledged. Unfortunately, sometimes they have not effectively communicated their desires or needs.

Response.

The final step in the cycle is a response. Not so responses are verbal. In fact, I once read a quote that “communication is only 10% of what we say & 90%of what we don’t say.”

This could possibly be true. My husband swears that my body language & face expressions speak before my mouth opens.

In the past, I would’ve sworn that I was an excellent communicator. Then I learned that I wasn’t. I learned that my communication sucked. I would episodes of shutting down during disagreements or blow up which led to arguing. Neither method was effective because the message wasn’t being conveyed properly which led to the issue never being resolved.

Here’s what I figured out:

Effective communication is discussion over arguing. I have learned to accept accountability & consider the other person before speaking or answering.

Being louder didn’t make him understand me more nor did yelling add any validity to my statements. Being the loudest didn’t make me right. It only made me loud & wrong. In fact, I learned that talking louder made him hear me less.(Read that again).

Another important nugget—it’s not always WHAT you say, but HOW you say it. Tone of voice plays a large part in communication.

I believe the saying goes:

You can draw more flies with honey than you can vinegar.”

This means you can win over other more easily by being polite & respectful. Being bitter or unpleasant is like more likely to cause others to stay away from you & turn a deaf ear.

Let’s talk about a real life scenario of how communication works.

For this example, we will use a fax machine.

Communication is much like faxing. I have information that I would like to transmit to my significant other. In this case, my feelings are the intended information. I’m standing at the fax machine loading the document or information. I check & recheck that the fax number I entered is accurate. After I confirm that the number is correct, I press “send fax” & walk away—because my job is done right?

Wrong. At this point, I should’ve waited until I was certain that it was successfully transmitted by evidence of a confirmation message. While I was walking away, there could’ve been other messages such as “Busy” or “fax failed.” However, because I didn’t wait for a signal, my entire communication failed. My significant other still has no idea what I was trying to say. This means they cannot fix or assist with resolving the problem.

This example of failure of a fax is precisely what happens with couples & communication. We assume just because we said something, that it was automatically successfully received.

How many times have we said “I told you that…?” And accuses our significant other of “not listening” when we were the ones that didn’t effectively communicate. Unfortunately, it is up to the transmitter of information to ensure the message was received.

Ways to ensure effective communication:

1. Follow up with questions to make sure the information was understood.
2. Avoid trying to communicate while your significant other is preoccupied or busy.
3. Repeat back method or echo.
4. Observe body language. (Are facial expressions appearing confused? Is body language closed & unwilling to listen?)
5. Provide gentle reminders as time progresses.

While early on our journey across the bridge of communication, maybe we did tell our partner our likes & dislikes. But how many times do we follow up to ensure the message is received? Did we progress through the cycle of communication?

Was our partner listening?

Did our partner understand?

Did our partner acknowledge us?

Did our partner respond?

An answer doesn’t automatically equal understanding. I’m famous for spacing out in the middle of a conversation but responding as if I was listening fully.

With that being said, if one of the components of the cycle is broken, the cycle will not be effective. All of the steps have to be revisited. You have to start over & start at the beginning. The cycle only works if all of the steps are completed & they cannot be done out of order.

The cycle has to take place EVERY TIME there is communication. Every conversation. Every disagreement. Every decision making moment.

Don’t be the one standing at the fax that’s overly confident that the message has been received when in actuality, it’s failed. You also don’t want to be on the other end, left in the dark about your own relationship.

If something is confusing or you feel something is not being said or done, ask questions to gain clarity. Speak up & use the “when you ____, I feel method.”

Examples:

When you yell, I feel intimidated.

When you don’t say thank you, I feel unappreciated.

This method allows for open communication that’s enlightening, healthy, & effective for all relationships.

Here’s why effective communication is important:

1. It builds trusting relationships & rapport.
2. It prevents problems or resolves them quickly & easily.
3. It provides clarity & set boundaries & directions in the relationship.
4. It creates longer lasting relationships.
5. It increases engagement with one another.
6. It establishes a team building attitude within the relationship.

The bridge to communication fills & links the gaps in relationships.

Learning to complete the communication cycle won’t happen over night, but it will come naturally when you take strides in the right direction.

I too had to learn to accept accountability & consider the other person before speaking or answering. With major changes, including pushing my pride & ego aside, & I have learned to master effective communication.

Basically, what I’m saying it, when it comes to relationships & communication—build a bridge, & get over it!