Breaking up with Cancer

Dear Endometrial Adenocarcinoma,

I hate you. With a passion. You have taken so much from me. I was worried that you were going to take my life. If I hadn't had previous surgery from the first time we were "together", I would have been in stage three cancer. I was ready to take you with me to the very end.

"You've been playin' this game, pretend it's all love. Back me up in a corner until you draw blood. Sick of breakin' and saying everything's all good, but I won't let you get inside me. When I'm the one at the end of your knife , how the fuck can I move and ever be right? And if everything I love can never be mine, then, what's the fuckin' point left in trying?" Coffin Made For 2 - Ekoh

You took a lot away from me. I wanted to have a family of my own. You attacked everything I have ever wanted to be. I had to come to terms with the fact that I will never have my own family. I will never have a little baby calling me mommy. Ever. However, I have found a loophole in your little plan. I have helped my best friend, my sister, raise her kids, and to them, I am their Mommy too. Every day is filled with love and laughter. You didn't stand a chance against me and mine.

"All my life, been hustling and tonight is my appraisal... So I do the deed, get up and leave... A climber and a sadist, yeah. Are you ready for the sequel? Ain't you ready for the latest? In the garden of evil, I'm gonna be the greatest. In a golden cathedral, I'll be praying for the faithless and if you lose, boo-hoo! Hey look ma, I made it!... Everything's comin' up aces, aces! If it's a dream, don't wake me, don't wake me!" Hey Ma, I Made It - Panic! At The Disco

You but me through hardships that no one should EVER have to deal with. The pain, the sickness. The different ways we tried to decimate you. You have always found a way to come back. We tried an UID, which apparently wasn't even the right treatment, and the doctors up north failed me. Then I had a hysterectomy. One of the hardest decisions I have ever had to make. Then you reared your ugly head again and decided to trap me in your clutches once more. This time, I wasn't going to play.

"Friends are happy for me... Then they celebrate my medals ... Some are loyal soldiers," Hey Ma, I Made It - Panic! At The Disco

Your "love" is toxic. However, the support, love, the unconditional love that I have received from family and friends is everything. You almost had me, you really did. But through the pain, suffering, and sickness, I have persevered. Your "love" was so toxic that people who I no longer associate with had been messaging me and saying that they hoped I died. Just like you were set out to do. Well, I love proving them and you wrong. I am strong and I'll continue to fight for the rest of my life. There are those now who are fighting for their lives right now, and I'll be there for them. I will be there for them through thick and thin. However, for now, I will not be dying from you.

"Flatline, a breath away. I was born with one foot in the grave. Been to hell and back. Dealt a real bad hand, but I live with that. I've learned to face my darkness. Now I embrace my doubt... Don't go and count me out. Living on a razor's edge, danced with demons, tasted death. I've lost wars inside my head, but hallelujah, I'm not dead... Won't be waiting on my hearse. Pain's a gift, it ain't a curse. My heart still beats, my blood's still red. Hallelujah, I'm not dead," Hallelujah - Citizen Soldier

Throughout our seven-year "relationship" not only have you tried to kill me, but your cousin variants have killed others that I did deeply cared about. You made me feel guilt for surviving. Those people who passed away were amazing people. People that the world still needs. This time around, you aren't going to make me feel guilty anymore. I'm going to celebrate their lives with every breath I take, with every step I take. They'll never be forgotten. They walk beside me every day, giving me the strength to continue with life.

"Many nights we've prayed with no proof anyone could hear. In our hearts, a hopeful song we barely understood. Now we are not afraid. Although we know there's much to fear. We were moving mountains long before we knew we could. There can be miracles when you believe. Though hope is frail, it's hard to kill. Who knows what miracles you can achieve when you believe, somehow you will. You will when you bеlieve. In this time of fеar when prayer so often proved in vain. Hope seemed like the summer birds, too swiftly flown away. Yet now I'm standing here with a heart so full I can't explain. Seeking faith and speaking words I never thought I'd say," When You Believe - Caleb Hyles & Johnathan Young

I am free from you, and hopefully for the rest of my life. Rear your pompous, disgusting head again, and I'll show you who the boss is. Again. Our "relationship" ends here.

Fuck You,

Jessie Nelson