Blue diamonds

When you live the same reality over and over again, you believe it is the real deal. Then you slowly observe others experience different realities than yours. Comparing yourself to others, you start to doubt yourself. You think that based on others’ standards, you are not good enough, you are not ahead of the crowd enough, there is nothing that could make you content about yourself and the life you live.

If you are abused, you believe aggressive behavior is actually a sign of love. When all you know is poverty, you feel like God doesn’t love you. When you are rejected, you take it personal because you’ve been rejected before, when you didn’t fit the society’s standard, or parents’ expectations or anyone else’s vision of who you should be.

But have you ever sat with yourself and set things straight? Cause I have, and the feeling launched me like a rocket out of my comfort zone. Doing a bit of shadow work I’ve realized:

1. I let others project their expectations on me and when I wasn’t satisfying their ideal, I blamed myself for being unlovable, and that included everyone, from family, to “friends” and even work colleagues.

2. The reason I was acting out was because my other self, the one full of doubts, the anxious and deeply sad one, with a side of control freak somewhere in there, who realized that the danger we have fought against for so many years, like fake friends, traumatic events in general, toxic environment, and of course, what I thought it was my unfitting/rebellious personality, simply disappeared. There was no more toxicity, no more fake friends, no more expectations, no more missions to satisfy others’ needs, it was just me relaxing, and that wasn’t okay because I was deeply wired to fight; fight anything and everything, fight myself, fight others, look for those fights, because what else I could do with myself?!

3. I cannot take back the time I lost, and I need to live with the reality that I will never receive some things, like fatherly love and support. Truth is, we always look for surrogates, especially from our relationships. But everything in our lives has an order, a role and a scope.

4. Do you want to regain that sense of control you had before? Stop fighting the change. The reason some people try to exit your life is because they don’t belong there, some things don’t work for you because it’s time for you to move on and grow. Set boundaries on all levels. In your family your role could be as sister or brother, son or daughter, mother or father, but never mixed up. You cannot be your parent’s mother or father, or your siblings’. You cannot be your partner’s parents. You cannot be your manager’s manager, or your colleagues’ (or others’) therapist. You are not a damping site for everyone to use!

5. The past is in the past. Seriously, for how long are you going to obsess over your past, or someone else’s? Thinking of it obsessively will not change the result. The moment is gone. Learn about what you think you could have done better and move on. Live that hug, live that conversation, enjoy that silence, and enjoy others’ presence, because before you realize it, that moment could be your last with that person.

6. Forgiveness is up to you, but action to better relationships with the people you love and hope to improve is a two way street. I forgave my father for the miserable childhood I had when I accepted that he was hurt as well. We tend to jump to conclusions when we are hurt without thinking that those hurting us are also children who’ve been hurt and who do not know better. Healing in my family started with me, but it had to get much worse before it got better. It does get better though. Remember to give up when there is no change.

7. It’s not my responsibility to save or help anyone. Overcompensating is a sign of an unloved soul. One that was always rejected, always pushed around, stepped on, who’s only form of validation to oneself is through sacrifice. We talk about sacrificing precious time to solve others’ problems, to help others who could have done just fine without us, worrying when things don’t work for others, answering the call to each damsel in distress. How about you start appreciating yourself for what you’ve done so far and let others answer your call? How about you stop predicting others’ needs when they haven't even asked for your help? How about you give yourself the respect to step away from those who just expect to be served?

It took me 6 months to realize those truths about life, and that’s thanks to therapy. I was too blind and too caught in my imaginary fight to think those for myself. The part that hurt me the most was when I had to start admitting those truths; that I was all alone in that fight, that I was used as others pleased and that I meant nothing for those I was so worried for. Hurting others because we were hurt at some point gives us no right to vent on people. Own your emotions, and learn how to react. You make a mistake today, that’s a lesson learnt for tomorrow. And don’t give satisfaction to those laughing at you for making mistakes. They just try to take their mind off from their miserable situation.

Cry, scream, let the pain go, let it flow through your body, your heart and your mind until it’s all gone. Numbing yourself will not resolve anything. You are still suffering; you are not strong, you are just afraid, and that’s fine. If this game called life would have been all rainbows and unicorns, the world wouldn’t have been in this mess. We do what we can today and strive for better tomorrow.