Between My Dead Fiance & Me....

I used to sit in my room and write when I was in college. I didn't feel like I belonged there. I was learning things that I was semi interested in but mostly, I wanted to learn the mechanics of music, the engineering and such. I was 5'3", 235-ish pounds, confused about what I should look like in my body and my favorite album at the time was Survivor by Destiny's Child. To get even more in depth, my song of choice was "The Story of Beauty" cause it touched on my own story of molestation back in the day. At the time, I felt lost, Mickey always told me I was wandering by design. I guess I have spent my entire life "wandering by design". I'm not sure if I have figured the design portion out but I have definietly been a wanderer. I met him in the courtyard one day while I was reading a book by Nietzsche. To be honest, I haven't read a book by Nietzsche in over a decade. We struck up a conversation that turned into many nights watching him and his friends have jam sessions. Mickey was a drummer. I have always loved a drummer. I'd bring my notebook and write poems to the sounds. It was the first time I learned that it is possible to have a flow without really having music. He always told me that I had the ability to catch a beat and later in life, I understood what all of that really meant.

Mickey had a daughter and I loved her like she was my own. That statement is even more weighted now when I am in a space where I don't know if I can even have children and I'm not sure I'll find someone to be with me before its no longer a possibility. I try not to think about it. But, I have always tried not to think about him and that hasn't worked as of yet. Its been over a decade. Some things just don't lose their grip, I guess.

When he got killed, I dropped off the Earth. No one could find me, no one knew what was going on with me, no one knew who I was in my current space- even me. There is still a huge portion of me that feels like I've always been in search of a dead body. My love life has always felt cursed to some extent. I find someone that I care about, I put all of me into it and then slowly there starts this soul crushing that I am supposed to take blame for. I've had this life where I have met people who need time that I cannot provide because I'm so busy chasing my dreams, too busy trying to get everything out of my head before there comes a day when I cannot as I type things and I find myself doing it backwardly and I don't know why that happens. Somewhere in life, I will need a catscan and if I were honest, I'd tell you that I'm afraid of what it will say so I just fight even harder to get all of these things out of me before its too late and I don't know what too late is. I'm sure anyone on the outside cannot understand that. I'm sure being in a relationship with someone who moves that way with that type of motivation isn't easy. And most days, I feel like if I could swap skin with whomever is on the other side of the table, it would have made my relationships so much easier. But the time that I have always given and been asked of has never been given to me and that's where the curse folds in.

I never led with Mickey & I's story but I never hid it and I remember I was with one guy who told me that I was never in love with him, that I was in love with a ghost that I was projecting onto him. I get that my life can set it up that way but I actually was in love with him and he just never wanted to be with me. It amplified my trust issues beyond reason. And even in present day, its hard for me to trust anyone really so, in relationships, I don't talk about Mickey if fear that a ghost will be used against me. It taints his memory. It shames it all. And no one sees that but me.

However, anytime a relationship feels a strain or I know that I'm about to have a break, I feel like I'm cursed again. I've always felt that I will never love anyone the way I did Mickey and that the universe has cursed me to go through things that will just end. And then there are parts of me that feel like I may gravitate towards connections that are doomed so that its not taken from me. I still have not figured out what any of this means in my head.

Maybe one day it'll make sense...