Being Yourself

Being the best you that you possibly can be is hard when your own internal voice says you can't.

I deal with internal doubt even when my face says otherwise. I am my own worst critic & when I am criticized or fail, I beat myself up about it. It has been this way for majority of my life. It has gotten to the point that I don't even think about how I beat myself up mentally and emotionally, it’s just an instinctive reaction...Like I'm in an emotional abusive relationship with myself.

That is a messed up way to think for those of us who self-criticize, but it really is the truth.

What is the one thing that everyone says about abusive relationships? "GET OUT" and then go to therapy. It's kind of hard to do that when that you’re the one abusing yourself.

Externally, I am a wonderful positive person and generally happy go-lucky to everyone else. I will lift you up and wax poetically about all the good things about you and in your life. I don't say no & try to avoid all confrontation. This is all a mask and a lie to make sure no one realizes how messed up I am inside. How I say hurtful and ugly things about myself, how I feel like I can’t ever accomplish anything, or think that I will never get something right.

All of those hateful thoughts are part of the reason I go to therapy every other week. I talk to my therapist about a lot of different things but majority is self-worth, not being in control, and anxiety. These therapy sessions have been occurring for years & while it isn’t a cure, they do give me the tools to manage them.

Therapy has helped me realize that beating myself up or criticizing myself is an unhealthy habit. And truthfully, I have never actually been able to stop my negative thoughts about myself, but I can recognize those thoughts and provide a positive counter.

It is ok to be me & make mistakes. Saying that aloud helps. It's called an affirmation. First time I said it verbally I thought some random dude with a camera was going to pop out and yell 'HAHA' and make fun of me...despite the fact I was in my bathroom in my room with the door locked. Couldn't help that fear and anxiety that saying that I am good enough and anything else positive was a lie & someone would call me out on it.

I don't say my affirmations aloud very often and still have anxiety when I do, but it helps that I have my affirmations about positive things about myself and even if I am just thinking them when I think something mean about myself, it really does help.

It is ok to be me

I am allowed to be happy

It is ok to make mistakes

Failing is part of life

Learn from your failures

Keep Moving Forward!!!

Think Happy Thoughts!!!!

These little sentences have helped me so much. When times get tough or I’m feeling extra stressed. I can think these things and it helps me gain a little traction over the feeling of be railroaded or having no control. Side thought, the railroading is all me & not anyone else. Nothing like being railroaded by oneself.

I feel that a lot of people who self-criticize are secretly perfectionists who don’t want anyone to know. Perfectionism, OCD, anxiety, self-doubt, are all mental issues that can definitely affect your physical life. If there is one thing that I wish I had learned, earlier in life, is that a mental issue does not have to define your life.

It is ok to seek outside help. Even if it is just writing a journal and publishing it publicly. A strangers input can sometimes help even things out in your head.

Remember to always be happy you are who you are & never let anyone tell you otherwise. Especially, when that other is yourself.

“Compliments are the helium that fills everyone’s balloon; they elevate the person receiving them so he or she can fly over life’s troubles and land safely on the other side” – Bernie Siegal

“I give myself permission to be all that I can be, and I deserve the very best in life” – Louise Hay