Behind Closed Doors

Let's be honest, everyone has done this where we hide our emotions with a smile to keep people from knowing how we truly feel. I am starting to learn how to mask, how to put up a facade for the sake of it. Seen how others in my life has put up a front to keep me from seeing who they truly are.

Well, this year.. Not because of Covid but this year has taught me that not everyone open up to just everyone. After so many years of being closed off to love, kindness, happiness, or free space to freedom. I came to a state that I never knew about. Once I got to this place, my heart chakra opened up, where I didn't want it to open up. My mind started to racing, started to wonder. For the first time doing the new year of 2020, a new decade, even though it became rough. In November, I got too close to someone that I never got close to anyone before but that comes later.

In August I met this Asian guy that I was attracted to, my family and I arrived to our new home that we were going to make permanently and have until this day. This was a store called ”Save-alot”. It was a small store but catchy prices. And there he was standing as an officer, or may I say as a security guard for the perimeter. My heart all of a sudden melted but hiding if I had a crush on him or not was not easy to hide. All of sudden the man that I barely knew caught on to the fact that I liked him. Once I found out that he had someone else in his life, it broke me. Even though I didn't know him, I wanted him for myself.

Behind closed doors, behind my own auras of my own personal space. I was hurt, sad, disappointed that he didn't tell me until he mentioned. All the kindness that I showed him I couldn't believe that shit. Of course it was fine with me because it was long distant that he had a relationship with that other person.

I was always at the park. On the swing, swinging my emotions to the core. Having a smile on my face to keep myself from crying or being recognizable of my hurts and pain. I could feel the emotions come and go while on the swing, playing with my inner child conflicts, or inner child thoughts, or just being near children’s grounds. It was something about being free and being creative without being an adult. I don't like how society has placed ”Adults” as responsible as if as adults. We no longer innocent. No longer fun, creative or anything. Hitting almost 20 is something that I wouldn't call responsible. If honest I don't want to hit reality but sooner or later it did.

Once hit it. Once reality did as in being open to different possibilities that my heart will open in ways that I never expected. I closed off again to keep myself from loving for others, caring, giving to others that don't have any relates to me. Not caring if my heart falls again.

Doing the middle of August or may I say the second week of August. I meet this beautiful, sexy, talented young man that was standing besides me, as if he wanted something. My energy perhaps. I already had a crush that I liked, cared for and I wanted to be loyal to that crush even though that crush was not loyal to me. My heart fell a little hard for that crush. Once I felt another person had a crush on me, I shout off. Even though this second crush spent a lot of time with me here and there.

I wouldn't say I was not ashamed for having two men crushing on me. I kinda liked having both men liking me but I wasn't intending to fall in love with one. I fell in love with both men but one crush didn't want a relationship with me and moved on from me with another woman that he loved or admired.

Then finally the second crush, I enjoyed. Here and there we would have lunch together, talk, laugh, become close for some reason. My mother disapproved because she thought we were twins. Once I felt like I was being card for, I actually wasnt't.

Behind that smile was a low-key angry black woman that was ready to unleash but for what? It wasn't like I could help the fact that I was being happy and enjoying the moment with someone that I saw special for. At first, I thought being loved and loving was a crime and not to be enjoyed. My mind was playing tricks and jokes as if I was being lost. It was kinda crazy. It kinda was. I loved and got hurt and this time around I got hurt again that I was actually in love with and didn't know it.

Not mentioning any names in this story cause their names aren't important. I sometimes would like to forget their names and just forget that I don't know them period but my mind just can't forget for the fun of it. As I write this in my room, on my tablet, listening to pandora, my emotions are cold. Emotions are being distant. Once I heard that the second crush had a fiancee and all.

The emotions that I didn't show him came up. Wishing that the feelings could have came up once we became close but it didn't. It came I got a call stating that he was taken. My heart pounded. Nobody in my room but me. Became angry, became disappointed. Became hurt and betrayed that someone would want to hurt me. Although I don't have any regret to what has happeed . The happiness that he brought to my life while he was there. Now, that I am almost healed with the stitches that came with that healing.. I can share without having regrets.