Autumn Affair

How do you catch a cloud and pit it down?

It’s like holding a moonbeam in your hand.

This isn’t goodbye. It shouldn’t be. I am honestly being dramatic because I feel like you’ve made such a great influence in my life. That’s on me too--I allowed you into parts of my life that I was afraid of letting anyone into. I guess that’s why the universe gave me you. You were the first person in a long time that I allowed myself to get hurt for. It wasn’t even your fault. It wasn’t because you wanted to. Most of that time, you didn’t even know. It’s true; being hurt was a bitch, but it meant that the walls protecting me from pain were gone. I set my heart free and allowed myself to love again--freely, wholly, and unapologetically. These past four months I allowed myself to learn how to fall in-love again, and I’m very happy that I shared these memories with you. The bumps and bruises along the way taught me how to love builds resilience.

I hope that I was able respect your wishes and intentions during our times together. I’ve said before that I have a great poker face. It wasn’t all a smooth ride. It’s especially true when I am keeping a respectful distance from the object of affection. There were things I did not enjoy, and from these I’ve debunked ones which I pretended to like merely in an effort to keep someone’s attention. Respect, I am coming to understand, values greatly to me in conjunction with love. Above all, it’s respect for myself. You were one of the few who understood how to value a person who forgets to value themselves. So, thank you for being one of the people who often tries to remind me.

What we have goes beyond simple words or that’s the bat-shit scared excuse for not wanting to name it in fear of making things complicated. We both are intricate on our own. It will take awhile before we finally figure out if and how we should align. Entrapping, encaging, or suffocating are words that I never wish to describe us or each other. Far from it, I’ve only known selfish love growing-up--masked in self-sacrificial ‘selfless-ness’ but was anxious attachment in reality--but with you I am learning how love can be selfless too.

Love that gives without asking. Love without expectations. Loving to love.

I have been loving you the way I want to love and cherish my fated person because, yes secretly I am a hopeless romantic inside. I do so just because I want to and I appreciate every moment that I’ve felt your love for me too. I wish we had more time--but that’s something only dreamers (not doers) would say. You know I am a doer. So, if I really wanted to, I’d find myself where you are again. Maybe you’ll do the same--a person can hope.

Regardless, it’s the narrating mind that fucks everybody up by using words to contrive a certain perspective. I guess that’s why I am afraid to use mine. Pictures seem easier since they can be interpreted in a multitude of ways. Words though, once spoken, cannot be unsaid. Allow me then, just this once, to keep this thing between us as unlabelled and yearn for our possibilities to be limitless. So whichever word you may want to use for what we have, Jhon, I will take the values that I’ve learned from my feelings as foundations for my future partner: patience, forgiveness, understanding, non-judgement, openness, communication, honesty, loyalty, trust, and respect.

Meeting you reminded me of the things that really mattered.The old me loved movies, photography, karaoke music, writing romances, making meals, and being with family. Nearly all of these I’ve given up to be where I am today. I know that I do want the kids, the family, and the homebase near nature on an island. I also want to continue staying connected through traveling, learning culture through meeting new people, and growing through experience. My journey is figuring out how those two seemingly divergent paths can intertwine one day.

Thank you Jhon for accompanying me through this chapter of my story and for allowing me to add color to your world. Until we cross paths again, remember me fondly.