At What Cost?

March 1, 2020

Looking forward to Spring! Things are going well. I have been enjoying my shifts at the Box Office, and I’ve been able to get enough hours at Instacart to cobble together a decent amount of income. AND - The School of Visual Arts just listed a couple of positions that I would be perfect for! Every once in a while, my eclectic collection of experience has a chance at paying off - I could finally land a job that would afford me the opportunity to move into the city. Even better, when I checked out the location, I saw that the studio/lab building was right around the corner from The Irish Repertory Theatre. OK, I’m getting ahead of myself - but I’ve volunteered there before, and that could be a possible second job, or at least I could use my student ID to see shows after work. I need to get my application in ASAP! This is NOT the time to procrastinate, I don’t need to write the best cover letter ever known to mankind - I just need to get it done! Tomorrow is Monday, I will be home and I WILL GET THE COVER LETTER WRITTEN!!! ( at least a first draft - haha )

April 1, 2020

OMG! The world has fallen apart since last month. WTF Coronavirus?! Today was extra crazy! Our neighbor across the street hasn’t been responding to texts and phone calls, so a friend went over to knock on her door. Someone heard from her a couple days ago. She had fallen but said she was ok. Now she is not responding and the police are called. The police come and look in the living room window and she is lying on the floor. The police tell us she is dead. Impossible! Unthinkable that our friend that we saw everyday (until mid March) is now gone. Then the police break in and find out that she is NOT dead, but she is in really bad shape. She had been lying on the floor, possibly days, without water or her medications. They took her to the hospital and she has the virus, several broken bones, and heart and lung problems. I guess it will be a miracle if she can overcome all of these issues, but she is only 71 and she has many friends and family praying for her.

I got the virus right away, in March. My last day of work was the 15th, shopping for Instacart, The Box Office had closed March 12th when Broadway also shut down. How is that even possible -

BROADWAY SHUT DOWN!!!

I felt tired, weak, had a little cough, and then felt a little better - BUT - the next thing I knew I had a temperature and quarantined in the basement away from my aging Mother and her older Sister. I soon got weaker and more tired and coughed a lot! My Dr. said that I should assume I have the virus, and gave me some tips on over the counter meds. I slept a lot, but took the meds, stayed hydrated and ate what I could - even if it was just a protein bar with Gatorade. When I was barely beginning to feel well, my Mom said that she needed my help to take care of her Sister. I was still a little foggy, and was kinda annoyed that my Mom wasn’t checking in on me very often, but I masked up and gloved up and went upstairs.

When I went upstairs, I soon realize that my Mom has the virus. I now need to go from zero to sixty, stop being the patient, and step up as the main caregiver! My Aunt is confined to a wheelchair or the bed and needs someone to prepare her meals, bathe her, and help her on the commode. My Mom was so tired, she couldn’t do anything. I took care of my Aunt, and started taking care of my Mom as well. In a day or two, things seemed to be going well, and then my Mom passed out cold! Scariest thing I ever saw, she looked dead! It was horrible! I didn’t freak out and managed to call 911, and as I was telling the operator all the info, my Mom came to. The EMTs did come and it was apparently a drop in blood pressure. After that, things stayed fairly stable - Mom is doing well, I’m fully recovered, and thank God, my Aunt isn’t sick. She is 90 yrs old and had pneumonia last year, so we need to keep the virus away from her.

May 1, 2020

The tears are falling all over my beautiful little black notebook, I can barely bring myself to write -

My Aunt died April 21.

Back in March when I was quarantined in the basement, I looked forward to recuperating and watching lots of great old movies with my Mom and Aunt. I was concerned for both of them, but thought we’d all pull through. Now, I wake up in the morning, and for a minute or two, in the misty consciousness between sleep and reality, all is well, then pain and grief suddenly snap me awake and I realize that she is gone. I miss her so much and I’m trying to stay strong and not cry every minute because my Mother is suffering even more. They were so close, Mom is so lost. My Dad died just three years ago, and Mom is still struggling to go on without her life partner - now she has to accept another tragic loss. 63,000 people have died from this virus in the U.S. alone, and we know all too well that they are not just statistics, that total includes my Aunt, and our neighbor across the street. She hung on in the hospital for a few days, but she just could not recover. We just feel sad every minute, and it seems like it will never be better.

June 1, 2020

Death and grief are overwhelming me. May was just a blur. We are repeatedly watching the 8 minutes and 46 seconds of George Floyd’s death and I can’t seem to look away. So many of the protests have turned into violent uprisings, with fires raging against the night sky. These dark fiery images make me feel like the world is coming to an end, or sometimes I just worry that I will get sick again, and MY world will come to an end. So many people have died, it is just unfathomable. Then I do have moments of light. I thought from the beginning of the lockdown that this could be a time of self reflection and a time to regroup and come out stronger and wiser when the world opens up again. The peaceful protests of George Floyd’s murder truly were inspiring. There really is a new awareness of the horrific systemic racism in our country, I now believe we will continue to move towards liberty and justice for all. It was beautiful to see the peaceful protests around the globe. It’s 2020! The U.S.A. needs to embrace the worldwide community - it’s not just about us! Meanwhile, I need to figure out my personal problems. I stopped working in March. The theatre is still closed for the foreseeable future, and my doctor advised me not to go back to the grocery store, shopping for Instacart. Given my age and health issues she feels that I am at high risk of serious illness if I should get infected again. I received one week of unemployment, with the $600 federal bonus, and then it stopped. At first I thought that I had lucked out because I had worked like a dog at three jobs for the quarter my unemployment benefit was based on, so for me it would be a good weekly wage, but then it was declined. It doesn’t make sense, I’ve dialed the unemployment offices hundreds of times, but rarely got through. Finally I gave someone my information, and now I wait.

July 1, 2020

The grief is still overwhelming, and Mom is suffering more because she was never able to have a funeral for her Sister. When I look at all the Covid deaths, I think of all the families who never had funerals and couldn’t even be with their loved ones when they passed. We at least had that. We attended to her around the clock, and did all we could for her at home, with her doctor advising us. I really thought that she would hold on and recover, and then her oxygen levels dropped and she just stopped breathing. I can’t help but think, what if we did this or the doctor did that? But I need to accept that it wasn’t meant to be. I’m trying desperately to find some new normal, I need to begin again to focus on my life and goals and employment. My unemployment hearing is August 12, but my financial situation is dire..

August 1, 2020

Oh man, I have never been behind on so many bills. I haven’t made a car insurance payment for months, and now they are looking for a $400 payment. I can’t make it! And I need to pay a double phone bill. The stimulus check, and one unemployment payment in April helped, but now my bills are ramping up again. I dare not spend anything on drive thru food, or coffee, or anything unnecessary. To be honest, I had to borrow some money from my Mom, and reluctantly I may need to ask for more before my unemployment issues are resolved. I talked to legal aid and I have a great lawyer who will help me with the telephone hearing. She said my case looks good, but nothing is certain..

September 1, 2020

I got it! I got all my back unemployment and federal bonuses, it totalled $20,000! Truth be told, if I got the weekly payments all along, I probably wouldn’t have saved up that much. Some of that money is owed for various bills, and payback for loans from my wonderful friends and family, but I will still have a sizable nestegg. I know if I work hard to find a great job, and continue to manage my finances, I will be able to move out and pursue a life in the city. My Mom is eventually planning to sell the house and move with my Brother and Sister-In-Law to California to be close to their kids and grandkids. It’s a weird thing. I looked back at March and I was hoping for better employment and a chance to have a full time salary and hopefully save some money. Now I’ve been out of work, and have more money in the bank than I have had in a decade, but I can’t really rejoice in this good fortune. This money feels connected to the sad, sad nightmare of this pandemic. My Aunt and so many others have died - and are still dying. On the other hand, I did my best. I stayed home, I took care of my Mom and Aunt, I wore my mask, and listened to my doctor - and the government helped me out. I shouldn't feel guilty, but I do. I’ve been given a chance to succeed and maybe I can best repay that by making the most of our remaining time in lockdown and coming out of this a better person. I hope we all find something to be grateful for amongst this sadness. We have lost so many loved ones, we should be more aware how precious life is, and how it can end so unexpectedly. I hope when we can hang out with friends again and laugh and hug, we will recognize the joy in those simple pleasures that we have had to do without.