Are You Depressed in Your Relationship?

Our romantic relationships require us to be emotionally present. Many who have a partner with a more avoidant attachment style often report feeling as though their partner is aloof, distant, dismissive, or callous. Avoidant connection is a connection style that develops in very early childhood, often before the age of 3, as a result of an emotionally dismissive or unavailable parent who is unresponsive or shaming to a child's attempts at bonding. Many who grow up to develop an avoidant connection style have caregivers who routinely ignore or minimize the child’s needs to feel wanted, seen, or heard, and ultimately end up learning to rely on themselves for their needs.

In a person’s adult life, an avoidant connection style may be confused as being a “narcissist” because they are often guarded, emotionally distant, and self-sufficient. However, the two are not synonymous. While narcissists are avoidantly attached, not all avoidantly attached people are “narcissists”. Patterns that may initially look similar such as pushing away or increasing physical or emotional distance between themselves and others can be separated by the motivation or the function of their behavior. For example, someone with an avoidant connection often pushes away to protect themselves from feeling overwhelmed or getting hurt, whereas someone with narcissistic personality disorder will push away from another out of a sense of entitlement, or to punish that person for threatening their ego.

Avoidant Connection and Romantic Relationships

Romantic relationships can be challenging for a couple when one partner has an avoidant attachment style. They may struggle with letting people in, and often push away when emotional vulnerability is on the line. Many may become "workaholics" or "busyaholics" as a way of limiting intimacy and connection with others, which can take a negative toll on their romantic relationships. Because of trust issues, communication often suffers, especially with a partner who has an avoidant attachment style. For example, it was found that both anxious and avoidant partners have higher risks for divorce and relational dissatisfaction as well as higher incidences of using unhealthy communication patterns in their relationship (stonewalling, criticism, contempt, and defensiveness) versus more securely attached partners.

Common signs of an avoidant attachment style can include the following:

• High probability of withdrawing when feeling emotionally vulnerable or overwhelmed
• Valuing independence over interdependence
• Suppressing vulnerable emotions
• May prefer casual sex or superficial relationships
• Having no problem being alone or without a romantic partner
• High levels of self-reliance, often appearing isolated
• Trust issues
• Being self-protective; may shut down or push away when feeling vulnerable
• May come across as aloof, distant, or dismissive
• Positive feelings associated with self (reliance) and negative feelings of others (as unreliable)
• May prefer work or hobbies to intimate relationships
• May be “stuck in their head” and struggle with - relating to others’ needs
• Tendency to overanalyze and “overthink” things
• Minimizing a need for support or help
• Deep fears of intimacy or getting “trapped” in a relationship
• Keeping others at arms-distance

Healing the Pattern

Healing requires more than mindful intention or the desire to change. While these are solid first steps, healing also requires behavioral changes that should be implemented as part of changing patterned beliefs and expectations, as well as creating healthy new skills.

If you recognize that you or your partner may have an avoidant attachment style, there is support available. It is recommended that you speak to a trauma-informed clinician who specializes in relationships and implements a behavioral approach as part of their intervention. However, there are also a few things you (or your partner) can choose to do:

• Become aware of where (and how) an avoidant attachment may have started for you or your partner.
• Learn to recognize the “patterned” defenses that happen in your relationship.
• Practice using words such as “we” or “us” instead of “me” or “I.”
• Build healthy communication skills that include reflecting, pausing, and providing “I feel” statements.
• Practice sharing your needs with each other, which may include a need for time to yourselves to process things.
• Find a trauma-informed clinician with a specialization in attachment and childhood trauma.