And to Rachel, thank-you for everything

Four days before Christmas of 2018, at about 5am, my life changed forever. I woke up the sound of wailing and screaming down the hall. I wasn’t really sure what was going on at first to be honest because all of this muffled noise was the very thing that woke me up. I remember lying in bed trying to make sense of what I was hearing. At first I thought my counsins annoying dog, Muppy Doo, was making a ruckus again and annoying my cousin. As I listened more I started to recognise the voice was my dads. What was he wailing about I wondered? Is something wrong with Muddy Doo? “Ahhhhhhh!” He seemed very concerned. Maybe it wasn’t Muddy Doo, but my sisters dog, Moz, instead? Surely not Moz. Moz was my dad’s best friend! “Noooooo! She’s gone!” Wait. “She’s?” That can’t be right. Moz is a boy. Who’s she? I thought as I rolled over in bed. Mum? What’s wrong with mum? “Baby!!!! Ahhhhhhhh!” Okay I better get out of bed and see if everything’s okay. I kicked off the doona. I heard another voice now. It was all so muffled through the walls. I was so confused. Am I dreaming this? Am I even awake? I couldn’t really tell so I rubbed my eye’s again. Both voices we’re getting louder and more frantic now. “SHE”S GONE!!!” Yep. Understood that one loud and clear. Okay my hearts beating really quick now. I don’t know what’s going on out there. I better hurry up. I quickly got dressed and swung open my bedroom door. To my surprise my little sister, chook, was standing right on the other side of my door. She was on the phone. I can hear dad loud and clear now. “WE WERE GONNA GO TRAVELLING!” I made a simple gesture to my sister that questioned who she was on the phone to. She covered the phone speaker and aggressively yelled “The ambulance!” The ambulance? What? That means she called 000. Isn’t that for emergencies? It’s the holidays. It’s Friday morning. Christmas is next Tuesday. What is going on? I gestured in a way that suggested she give me the phone. She quickly muffled something to the person on the other end and then quickly handed it over. “Hello is this Alex?” A calming polite voice said through the phone. She didn’t sound too old, maybe in her late 20s? “My name is Rachel and your younger sister Georgia mentioned you’re trained in CPR. Is that right?” I don’t know why but I imagined Rachel to have straight brown hair and brown eyes. I could picture her in my mind. It was like she was smiling right at me while she waited my response. “Alex, are you there?” “Yes sorry, I’m here. Yes I have.” She was right, I had just finished renewing my first aid training for work 2 days prior. Why did she want to know about that anyway? It’s the holidays. I have no idea what’s going on. Chooks is staring back at me with the most worried look in her eyes. I can hear dad still wailing up the hall. I still haven’t heard a word come from mum yet. Maybe Rachel knows what the hell is going on up the hallway. “Um sorry, Rachel, what’s dad upset about?” I asked her nervously. “Your sister mentioned you might’ve been asleep, have you just woken up Alex?” She said. “Yes I have. Could you please tell me what’s going on?” “Okay your mum is in bed and your dad and sister have just discovered she isn’t responding, so we might need you to perform CPR is that okay?” My heart has started beating incredibly quick. There’s still sleepy dust in my eyes and my vision’s still kinda blurry. I rubbed my eye’s again in a effort wake me up from this super vivd dream. “Should I go check on mum?” I asked Rachel sheepishly. “I think that’s a good idea Alex” I started walking up the hallway slowly. I knew dad was yelling and wailing so loudly but it was like somehow his histerics were getting quieter and quieter with every step I took towards their room. Until suddenly I stood frozen at their door way and everything went mute. I couldn’t hear a thing anymore. Dad was rocking back and forth on the floor at the foot of the bed balling his eyes out, but I couldn’t hear it? He looked like a little baby. Chook was hiding behind me tapping at my shoulder. I think she was trying to say something to me but I couldn’t hear her at all. I knew Rachel was trying to talk to me through the phone but I could hardly hear her either. I was so confused. Everything felt so confused. But then when dad slowly looked up and when our eyes met, it was like for a just a moment all time and space didn’t exist anymore. Dad has brown eyes, similar to what I imagined Rachel’s to be. Unlike Rachel’s, his were not calming at all! In fact they were the complete opposite haha, his eye’s screamed out in pandemonium. His eyes told me everything that had just happened and they told me everything that was about to come next. I couldn’t bare look into them any longer, it hurt too much, so I just decided to avoid looking into them altogether.

As I sheepishly drew away from his gaze the very next thing my eye’s found was his mouth. It started moving and it was like he was trying to talk to me but you see, there was so much noise and chaos going on I honestly still couldn’t hear a thing. I couldn’t hear Rachel’s calm voice over the phone, I couldn’t hear dads wailing, I couldn’t even hear Georgia’s soft whisper and I still hadn’t heard a thing from mum. I swear everything slowed right down too. Dad’s lips were moving so slowly, I tried to make out what he was trying to say to me. I could only really make out two words. Two words that I certainly wasn’t ready to hear. But in saying that though, how can one ever really be ready to hear something like this. They don’t teach you it in and school and we’re not really sure how to talk about it in church. These two little word’s had the power to change the course of my life forever. They had the power to set me on a completely different life trajectory. As I watched my dad’s mouth move so closely I made out the words, “she’s gone”. She’s gone. My mums gone. Instantly I felt this thunderbolt of adrenalin shoot up from the floor, hitting my toes first and quickly running over the arches of my feet, into my ankles and then instantly jolting my calves to my knees, then both hips, frying my tummy, and then once it my heart…oh my God, once it hit my heart the rest of my entire body was toast. I was all of a sudden absolutely buzzing. I got all my hearing back in that moment too. It was loud. Real loud. This was all overwhelming. I didn’t really know how to handle it all. My body started to shake quite uncontrollably. It was like those electrical currents had fried all my veins, all my insides, and my body simply couldn’t handle those two little words. It was about 5.15am by now and it’s safe to say I was wide awake haha. No amount of bottomless filter will probably ever wake me up like that lol.

Dad’s fumbling body turned towards mums side of the bed and I was so scared for what came next. The walk towards mum felt like it took an eternity. My feet were so heavy with adrenaline each step took more and more effort. Until eventually there I was, standing by mum’s side of the bed. Before I looked down at her I first glanced over at Dad and chook standing by the door anxiously looking on. “Alex, are you there?” A familiar voice interrupted. “Alex?” It was Rachel. I forgot I still had Chooks phone to my ear the entire time. “Hi yes, sorry I’m here” Barely. “So do you think you’d be comfortable to give your mum CPR?” Instinctually, I raised my other hand from my side to touch mum. Even through the doona I could feel she was stone cold, rock hard. I knew instantly that the blood had well and truly stopped pumping a while ago. I was still in disbelief though. I told dad and chook to get out of the room because I wanted to roll her over and see her face as if seeing her face was going to make everything better. If I could just look in her eyes one more time, those beautiful brown eyes she had, just like I imagined Rachel’s to be, I’d know everything was going to be okay. So naturally I rolled her over and what I saw next scared the absolute s*** out of me. I dropped the phone and jumped back in shock. I’m going spare details because I understand this kind of thing is super sensitive especially for some but just know that yucky image still hasn’t left my mind. Some say it will fade away eventually. Others have told me that it probably never will. Either way, I know I have 22 years worth of memories to replace that image. As I said I won’t go into too many details but let’s just say she didn’t look like herself at all, she didn’t look like the mum that I knew and loved and had grown up with. Dad was right. She was gone.

Again, there were those two little words. They churned in the pit of my stomach for a while before I vomited them up to Rachel over the phone. “So based on your knowledge Alex you don’t think it’s worth starting CPR?” She said. I thought about it a moment and let my mind travel back two days where I sat in a first aid training room listening to this vivacious character explain how unlawful it is to stop chest compressions and air ventilation until the ambo’s arrived on scene. I knew she was gone. Dad’s eyes told me that earlier anyway. I’d held her after rigor mortis had set in for goodness sake. So starting CPR on mum would be like tryna rearrange deck chairs on the titanic. Bloody pointless. “No” I answered her. I heard her take a deep breath before coaching me through all the chaos that proceeded that morning. Rachel did an incredible job of managing us all. She wasn’t at home with us but boy did it feel like she was. I know they will never read this haha but thankyou so much to the Queensland Ambulance Service, they are a special group of people!

And to Rachel, the triple 0 operator, thankyou for everything. What an amazing EMD you were – this letter goes out to you! I became a stunned mullet who couldn’t think at all and you helped me find all of mum’s prescription's (because of her history with cancer). You are strong woman, a nurturing woman, thick skinned and loving all in one. You are a leader. You helped me communicate with Dad, Chook, Nan and my cousin Jay about what you needed from Mum and us. You held my home together as it all started to crumbled. You stayed on the phone with me while I anxiously brushed my teeth and got dressed before the paramedic’s arrived! Thankyou for everything. God bless you and your family Rachel.