An Open Letter To My Situationship.

"I've been all in from the start. Just tryna make your heart feel something that it don't. I could love you twice as hard. And rewrite all the stars, but you still let me go."

First, I would like to say that I am sorry that I left without explicitly telling you I was leaving, that I was cutting things off and that I no longer was able to have you play a part in my life.

I couldn't hold on and keep running around in circles, playing games but only on your terms.

I was tired of the lack of actual communication and transparency when it came to talking about feelings and navigating conflict between even on simple matters that never had to be negative conflict that you refused passively to prioritize or address in respect to the time frame and in person like I deserved.

This is the last text I had typed up but never sent:

"I don’t know if we ever will be able to provide to each other the nurturing environment for each others feelings to both be able to feel seen, valid, and safe especially in the way that we choose to go about and process conflict.

You choose to allow your ego to protect itself in moments that I need empathy to build trust and validate my feelings and show you’re trying to understand my perspective instead of stubbornness and rejecting any accountability for the fact that actions of yours did make me feel a certain way whether that was the intent or not."

But instead because I knew that it would go nowhere and I respected our connection enough to have the conversation that needed to be held I never sent it.

It just stayed in my notes and in my body as unreleased tension, anxiety even though as I typed those words I truly understood that I was making peace with where you are at in your journey and where I am at and us in no way or role being compatible in giving each other what we need on so many levels.

You can see me in those words just so tired of fighting to be understood, heard with someone who I have always worked so hard to see your perspectives, trauma, and pain and be mindful of it in every interaction we have had even if it meant at times letting boundaries of mine and my own self respect suffer as a sacrifice to try to meet you half way, to try to see you.

I needed you to see me and I never felt seen. You said you appreciated me but I never felt it. You asked me about my feelings to listen, but never to comprehend.

But the issue always was that while I would try to see you, it never felt like you were trying to see me. It only ever felt like you were trying to prove that you were right or justify your actions or explain why in the moments when all I needed you to do was validate, recognize, and acknowledge the feelings and thoughts I expressed. You went into defensive mode when I was never trying to make you feel attacked but you never wanted to see anything different.

You can see me accepting defeat but finding peace within it and still being kind and trying to protect your feelings in the process but conveying my pain through my candor of the reality of what transpired.

You can see me letting go in a different way this time, a final time.

Instead I said:

"I appreciate your response. I don’t really know exactly how to feel and don’t feel like going back and forth this way is going to get us anywhere so I just feel frustrated but I wanted to acknowledge that I appreciate you taking the time to share your thoughts and not invalidate that by ignoring it.

I just feel like I have felt a lot of internalized anxiety from not being able to clear conflict.

I don’t know how you have felt but I don’t do well with unprocessed or unaddressed things and I can’t just move on."

It felt like going through the motions, motions heard but not felt.

Motions with good intentions but no capacity to fulfill, no follow through.

Communication to check a box, but not to fulfill one. Brief moments of connection still somehow without vulnerability.

It felt like while you may have always asked about my feelings that you didn’t truly care, at least not in the way I need you to show up and make me feel safe, heard, and appreciated for those parts of me.

It never felt like they were explored or held like I needed them to be that’s why I stopped telling you them and stopped answering honestly when you asked because I knew even if I answered it wouldn’t go anywhere. Because I knew that you didn't truly care enough to truly be in tune with if someone was off and I was giving you a deflective or shut down answer, I knew you wouldn't ask more and that hurt knowing that.

I held your heart in such high regard and carefully held your feelings in high consideration that I just never felt from you.

I did everything I could to try to create a space where you felt safe and seen and your need validated and heard and it just never felt reciprocated or fully appreciated in the moments that I did to try to accommodate the things you needed to feel more comfortable because of your trauma and attachment style.

“It’s the point of awareness that finds you with time, in the midst of chaos often rather than moments of peace that allows you to find it within yourself to let go.

To understand letting go and love can coexist.

It allows you to acknowledge and come to accept the pure fact that it doesn’t matter how much love still exists but that you will always abandon yourself in the journey, in the pursuit of trying to be everything for someone who doesn’t even have the capacity of being your everything.

A person whose potential will never be their presence.

That in love or in friendship or really anything in life, it isn’t fair for you to have to betray yourself chasing someone who won’t even choose to love you in the ways you deserve to be loved, to see someone who isn’t truly trying to see you for someone who asks for everything but won’t give anything.

It allows you to find a way to make peace by choosing you.”

-MF

I hope you know that I truly did love you, you were the first in a long time that I truly allowed myself to love and maybe in the end that was my greatest downfall was that even when I hit all your walls I let my down for you.

I hope you know that I still do deeply care about you and your little family.

I hope you know that me ending things as I did was never what I wanted but it was what I needed.

I deserved better and more in any connection no matter the label. I was deeply hurting and it didn’t feel like it mattered at all. I tried to convey the extent to you and it seemed to just be brushed under the rug.

It seemed as if I never brought it up again that it would’ve been as if it never happen and I could just never do that because that’s not healthy or going to ever better or heal the connection. That is putting bandaids on bullet holes and eventually they will reopen and rip off. And as lines for you may have been crossed no matter the intention, irreparable lines were crossed for me that I gave ample time for reconciliation with consideration to your other responsibilities and it just never seemed like it was somewhat prioritized and mattered. So I let it go because I couldn’t be left in limbo anymore and that is where you left us and I had to choose to respect myself enough and let you go.

I hope you know that I never wanted you to feel abandoned but at least you know if you felt that it means you felt chosen and prioritized.

I never felt chosen that was always the issue in any world, not in the ways that I needed and yes maybe you didn’t have that capacity to give but if you didn’t it wasn’t fair for you to make me think you would be able to because I fell in love with the idea and hope you gave me just to feel never chosen, not abandoned but disappointed. If anything I abandoned myself a bit in the process of trying to find who you were and had to find my way back to myself, my boundaries, and my self respect.

I hope that you know that while I know you might have resentment towards me, I have no hard feelings towards you.

I only ever had so much love for you more than my heart had to give in a long time to anyone and that is all I’ll ever have but that doesn’t mean access to me comes with that love.

I did what I needed to recenter myself and my sense of peace. I did what I needed to respect myself.

I hope you realize that I wanted very much to have a conversation but it was just a little too late in how you were okay letting the conflict linger with my feelings not being considered and I was tired of feeling like I was fighting for our connection meeting more than halfway and for once I fully let you decide to show me how far you were able to meet, I let it play out for two weeks to see truly if I didn’t do anything except express I wanted to talk what would happen because that would show how much you truly cared about my feelings and our connection.

Once time has passed and the space had spoken I removed fully access because that is what I needed, it gave me clarity. it may have seemed abrupt but you shouldn’t have been surprised when what may have felt like a minute for you felt like an eternity to me and in reality was weeks. Me finally leaving was me walking away when all you ever did was run when things felt too real or I tried to get too deep.

I deserve more in the relationships I have than to have to wait until it is convenient for someone to address things.

I deserve more than to have to dynamics dependent on only one person's terms. I deserve more no matter the label period.

You weren’t ready for someone like me someone who challenged you to be more and tested you in the ways that would help you grow and evolve you from your past patterns and ways of existing.

You were never just running away from me.

You were running away from the person you would have to be to be with someone like me.

Someone who will never blame someone for their past but if their capacity doesn’t allow for you to be compatible then I will let you go.

Someone that didn’t want you nor needed you to fix them. Someone that saw your flaws and still wanted to love you. Someone who wanted to help you grow. Someone who would call you out and make you face the things that you’d run from and hidden from all your life.

Someone who wanted to work through things and not around.

Someone who wouldn’t settle for less than being with a true partner who wanted to respect me and fulfill my needs as much as I did theirs. Someone who can recognize if our ways of loving someone do not align and won’t stay.

Someone who won’t compromise myself, my happiness, and my needs in the process of loving someone else. Someone who will never feel like it’s my responsibility to abandon myself because it’s my job to be something to someone they refuse to be or heal to themselves.

Someone who never wanted to change you but to help evolve you to the ways that others never wanted you to because the unhealed, hurt version was the version they could use.

Someone who loved you too much to not want you to grow too.

Someone who won’t ever let someone they love avoid the things that are holding them back not out of wanting them to feel pain but wanting them to grow beyond it.

Someone who prioritizes evolution and not escapism.

Someone who sees so much clarity in the things that happen in connections and in life.

Someone who won’t fight to be loved in the ways that I deserve to be treated. Someone who won’t allow their love, their kindness to be abused beyond their limits.

Someone who refuses to be everything for someone who won’t be anything.

Someone who knows that it’s not my place or responsibility to love your inner child and teach you not to heal the parts that you haven’t taken the time to listen to.

Someone who was never going to be the person who allowed you to prioritize your comfort, your complacency while utilizing my compassion only for your gain.

It’s funny how you talked about all these adventures, spontaneity, and risks but when it came down to it and when I tried to challenge you, you refused to take a step outside of your own safety zone, out of the whole world you’ve crafted to keep you safe and protected like a cocoon.

I come from a place of wanting proactivity whereas all you currently know is reactivity.

When I asked you to be uncomfortable with me, to grow, to change the narrative you ran back into yourself, you reverted and that is the difference in the two of us.

I revel when you revert, you react when I respond, and you cope with your comforts instead of risking when challenged to grow.

I come from a place of consideration, understanding the impact of my actions rather than just placing intentions behind them with no regard to the impact inflicted if it doesn’t align with the intention.

I hope you find more peace without me in your life. Even if that means finding comfort in not changing.

You weren’t ready for someone that wouldn’t accept your falling back into your old familiar patterns as excuses for your behavior and refusing accountability.

I hope that my absence gives you the space and peace that my presence couldn’t, truly.

I hope it gives you peace that my love wasn’t able to…

The difference between us is that I focus on impact and you still focus only on intention.

Until you stop trying to control things for your comfort to create comfort beyond you sense of safety.

Until you learn to lean into letting go of the need to control things and always have them on your terms to “need” to feel safe but rather finding safety in the space you can create between you and another through trust and communication.

Until your triggers transition from trauma to transformation.

Until you stop seeking attachment and look instead for acknowledgement you'll never be seen fully in the ways you want.

Until you don’t allow your past to control your perceptions when you should pause instead.

I only ever wanted you to be happy, feel safe, and feel loved and it broke my heart that we couldn’t find a way to bring that into each others lives at the end of the day.

I hope you find someone who is easier but still healthier for you. I hope you find someone who will give you the things you need in the ways you want and the ways you need.

I hope you know that I drew a boundary, a hard line not because I ever wanted to hurt you because you know that is the last thing I ever wanted but because I had to stop hurting myself, I had to regain my inner peace. I had to draw a line because I knew you never would. I had to honor what I know I deserve and that wasn’t where the line had been.

"My boundaries weren't created to offend you. They were created to honor me."

-Dr. Crystal Jones

I had to because it wasn’t good for either of us and I had to recognize that as heartbreaking as it was.

I had to break the attachment, no matter how hard and painful it was.

I had to break it so I could stop myself from continuing to break. I had to break it so I could begin rebuilding.

There was no other way, things would ever end in our favor.

There was too much history, too much hurt not because we ever wanted to hurt each other but because we never aligned, we attached.

That is the truth of it, you and me both know that deep down.

We wanted or at least on my end, I wanted so desperately to connect with you but my soul was met with your ego always trying, always hoping to make something be there that wasn’t meant to be.

My soul running towards connection, your ego constantly running away.

You have a beautiful heart and a beautiful mind but you haven't been honest with yourself in the ways you need to face the fears, pain, and trauma that you carry to even begin to try to tell someone else that you have the capacity to show up as your authentic self, fully open and truly available.

You took what you needed from me while making me think you had the emotional capacity to reciprocate when you never truly did.

You weren't honest with yourself and in turn weren't able to be honest with me and that is the truth that you have to find for yourself. It isn't a matter of intention as that wasn't yours or blame as that isn't mine.

You want connection. You want intimacy. You want to be fully seen. But you have no capacity to give and that is what isn't fair to someone else.

I am not ignorant in understanding that maybe you aren't in the place to meet someone like me, to be challenged to be so vulnerable.

For someone to ask for more. For someone to want more. To not settle for the minimum you offer but wanting the maximum. To know that there is always more even if you insist that there isn't because that is truly trying to get to know someone behind the walls they put up.

I do not fault you for that but that is what I wanted, that is what I needed from you. That is what wasn't fair to me for me to continue to wait and hope for.

Because I was a soul that tried to give so much to you in so many ways but I will not deplete, drain, and disrespect myself when it isn't reciprocated forever. No matter how much I love and care about someone I will not self sacrifice my peace, my happiness, and neglect my needs and wants just for the sake of proving the point of loyalty to someone who is only worried about them being left when they never showed up in the first place for me.

Maybe in another world, in another universe we can find a way to coexist in each others lives but all I know is that world isn’t the one we currently are in; at least not in this moment in time.

"Forced connection is forcing alignment. Forcing alignment is forcing attachment.

Ego seeks attachment. Soul seeks connection.

You'll never have to force anything that aligns with you. What's meant for you will feel natural, peaceful, & connected; not forced, chaotic and attached."

Out of all the souls that I have come across in the past year, you are the one that made the biggest impact on me.

I do want you to know that I do not regret meeting you.

I needed to learn things that you helped me realize, that you helped open my eyes to.

I needed to experience everything you were brought into my life to teach me, to show me.

All the good and all the bad. All the high and the lows. All the things I felt in between. All the feelings.

Some of which you knew and some of which you’ll never know.

I needed to learn how to try my absolute very best to love you, to see you, and to inevitably let you go for more than one reason. I needed to go through that whole process for me.

I needed to chose me because I knew that in any world and in any kind of dynamic, friends or lovers that you would never have chosen me fully and that wasn’t fair to me.

You always wanted no expectations but the reality of loving and caring for someone always comes with some level, no matter the role and no matter the label.

You used the label of us just being “friends” as excuses for things but the reality is that the way things went down and were handled even if that is what you defined us as isn’t something I would tolerate from my friends in my life, I lowered my standards in ways because I wanted to keep you in my life regardless and that wasn’t fair to me.

I deserve more from those who claim to care and love me in friendship and in love.

And if someone isn’t able to show up in those ways, it isn’t anything more or less it just isn’t a compatibility for my life with what I want to surround and support myself with.

It doesn't mean you do not accept someone as they are but it means that you have enough respect for yourself to not allow them to disrespect you and devalue you in ways, to create boundaries. Not because you won't still love and care for them if they do not meet them but because you will see how they are willing and capable of showing up and reciprocate in how that aligns with you.

I needed to learn to let you go for good not because I wanted to but because I needed to for me and I knew if I didn’t take the power back myself that you never would have completely let me go, you would always come back and that was the line I had to draw.

I needed to feel the ways that you pushed boundaries within me in what I thought I wanted, in what I was okay with, in my expectations, in my standards, and in what I could entertain the idea of my life looking like.

I needed to experience the refreshing outlook and redefine things in the ways that your presence exposed me to when you were in my life for me to rediscover and redefine things for myself reevaluating things.

I needed to show myself things with you that I hadn’t challenge myself with, that I hadn’t opened myself up to. I needed to see the perspectives that you brought into my life.

I learned that you coming into my life taught me that I needed to in a way I didn’t even know prove things to myself that you allowed me to show myself.

I needed to try my best to love you to the best of all the ways I could and love all that matters to you so that if the moment came when I had to shut the door that I would know I gave it my all, that I stayed longer than I should have but that I didn't leave any stone unturned. And that is testament to how much I truly did love and care as that is never something I leave to be questioned.

Someone finally leaving after their needs are not being met in any definition of a relationship is not a reflection of how much someone loves and cares, it ultimately is a reflection of how much or how little self-respect they hold for themselves beyond the things they feel.

I waited for you to value my feelings as highly as you valued your own and that was never going to come because to some extent you never saw them as important and that was the whole root of so many things that you may have never intended for me to feel but I did as consequence to your actions or lack of.

I had to accept that we were never going to align in any way that I could live with if we were going to be in each others lives.

I wanted you to be more than you were capable of being to me, capable of showing up and you wanted me to be everything I am but also less. And I couldn't settle for that and you had to have known this. If you truly saw me in any of who I am, you would have known at some point I wouldn't be okay with what I was getting and that I knew I deserved more.

I needed to learn how to love you so that I could find the love in myself in letting you go if I had to choose between loving you and loving myself.

I needed to learn how to find the place within myself to let go of someone that I still deeply loved.

I needed, I wanted so desperately for you to see me and eventually I had to accept what I wished for, what I hoped for never was going to be. That you were never going to see me in the way I hoped you would. That no matter how much I tried, that no matter how much I loved you it wouldn’t allow you to see me in a way you weren’t ever capable of.

"If only wanting you was enough. Then you would probably be the one. -Jamie Miller"

It was just a matter of time before I finally accepted this, stopped fighting for a connection that wasn’t ever meant to be in any way.

I genuinely hope that you will find someone who adores you as much as I adored you and your daughter. I hope you find someone who shows up in the ways you both deserve and I hope you're able to find it within yourself to show up in the same ways for them.

I want you to be happy and feel fulfilled just as I always wanted. You are a very special soul and I will always believe that.

I stand by every word that I have ever said to you and written about you, the depth of what I felt for you does not just dissipate but it doesn't mean it will prevail in me doing what is right for me.

And while love and care might be unconditional, it doesn't mean that those things should ever be prioritized over self-respect and self-worth.

Unconditional love doesn't mean unconditional disrespect regardless of if that disrespect is acknowledged or validated, it is still valid.

Sometimes that disrespect isn't always as obvious but more so in the fact that I allow the neglect of my needs and wants being met or boundaries being crossed. Sometimes it doesn't mean that you had bad intentions or that it is anything explicit that you did. Sometimes the disrespect is drawing a final line so that I can find respect for myself again that I gave up in ways when I accepted less. Sometimes it means taking the power back on your terms and finding your respect for yourself again in that.

Sometimes it means doing what you need versus what you want, no matter how hard.

It doesn't mean unconditional relationships when those come only at the cost of sacrificing what you know you deserve and accepting less than being treated in ways than you deserve.

Because how much am I truly loving myself if I am allowing others to treat me in a way that does not honor myself and the value that I know that I hold and bring to others that I care about and love.

And sometimes the most loving thing you can do is letting go.

Love is not lost on loss.

No matter how much you might love someone you have to love yourself first which often means choosing what you need versus what you want.

I had to let you go for good, and I need you to let me go for good. Not because we want to but because we need to.

This is the closure. These are my final words. These are my end thoughts. This is my healing. This is the last word.

This is me closing this chapter.

This is the last goodbye.