I Don't Know What You Wanted From Me. Pt. 1

I don’t really know what you wanted from me because it wasn’t a relationship because I don’t think you’re meant for a relationship.

I think maybe you liked the idea but you’re in no mental place, no mental space, and no space in your life to be open, to be ready to enter a relationship.

Not with the things you said to me, the expectations in actuality you want, and the unrealistic ideals you believe exist; at least not in any relationship that has a healthy dynamic where people’s wants and needs are treated equally and with respect.

The reality is that even if we were incompatible, how you handled things no one should ever have to experience being treated like that and having to be hurt in the ways you chose to hurt me.

The reality is that someone healthy who respect and values someone would never choose to hurt them even if they were hurting themselves, they could end things amicably without needing to have the last word, without needing to draw any blood.

I think you want connection but you don't want to have to maintain it, you don't want to have to deal with the complex emotions that come with involving another.

I think that is why you find it temporarily with those before you discard them, you don’t want to do what it takes to keep them.

I think that is why you find it in so many temporary, but fleeting points of connection.

I think you find differences as flaws and reasons why it can’t be, why it won’t be instead of looking for why it could be.

I think you find your icks one way or another to write someone off as not perfect for you when in reality no one will ever be because no one is.

I think you try to find reasons to write off others because maybe in a way you write off yourself in being unlovable, in being unworthy deep down.

I think you think a person exists that can fit perfectly inside the four walls you exist within when you aren’t willing to try to outside of your own to fit inside of theirs.

I think you are delusional in the most candid sense in what your idea of what a relationship should be and how it should fit was not feasible because it entailed someone fitting perfectly.

I think that you think that compromise is synonymous with sacrifice and that alone will never allow you to sustain a romantic connection, at least not with someone who doesn’t allow you to run over them.

I think you don’t know how to meet in the middle without feeling like you’ll lose a piece of you and that is the issue. You see it as a sacrifice and I hope one day you ask yourself why.

I think you've lied to yourself for so long and have only let people into your life who feed that narrative and let you live in the fantasy you've learned to tell yourself.

I think that you are alot of things that you think that you aren't.

And I think you need to spend time aligning those things so you don't waste anyone's time or feelings.

I think you're used to people just believing you and not asking you to prove it. Maybe that's why you're so opposed to feeling a sense of having to prove you can be trusted and everything along with that.

Someone secure and confident in their ability to align with who they say they are would never just asked for something to be given without understanding an inherent expectation of them proving it and earning it because they would know they weren't entitled to it just being given.

I think it’s ironic how you try to reject any sort of expectations yet your lack of is your expectations that you do want.

I think that it’s funny that you had issues with normal expectations but that says more about me than about you.

I think you think that you’re open minded but that’s only if you’re allowed to get your way…"do things on your terms."

Do things on your time.

I think that you are okay with not always being “right” all up until the point that things aren’t done “your right way” and when thoughts don’t align perfectly.

I think you think you’re open minded but you’re actually very close minded in being closed off automatically to other viewpoints and perspectives that aren’t in line with yours.

I think that things are only okay when they are the same as" your okay".

I think you never tried to understand my point of view on things because you were overly concerned with being seen as right and me as wrong as was apparent when you would blatantly my say “you’re wrong.”

I think you think that you’re mature but telling people who disagree with you or don’t share the same views, approaches, and ways that they’re inherently wrong instead of taking the time to try to understand and validate isn’t.

I think I was blind initially to seeing that as a lack of empathy or openness.

I think you hated the fact that I did not back down so easily when you would tell me whatever it was I thought or felt was wrong and that is why you had to try harder to break me down and make me feel more inferior.

I think you were always more concerned at winning in proving yourself right than you were at winning for both of us, wining for the relationship.

I think you try to make others think that they are less than even in the moments you don’t realize it because it makes you feel more secure.

I think that you like to say that you don’t always need things always your way but in reality you do.

I think that the way that you go about treating someone you claim to care about lacks so much respect in so many ways and that is for you to figure out in time, at least I hope you do.

I think that you say you want something real, something not just curated all up until the moment when being real is shown and demanded of you.

I think that you will show up when it’s convenient for you but not when it isn’t.

I think you question someone else’s capacity to show up emotionally in a relationship when it is really yours that is insecure and unwilling to waiver.

I think that you usually pick people who won’t challenge you and won’t fight for themselves because they are easier to control, they are easier to submit.

I think you find people that will not have the bandwidth to comprehend the tactics that you want to employ to exploit them.

I think that you use your intelligence and words in a way even if you don’t realize it or want to acknowledge it to make others feel inferior so you don’t have to feel small inside.

I think you usually choose people who are less intelligent than you so that you can mentally feel superior and intellectually baffle them essentially making them feel inferior allowing you to get your way and them to accept what you say as gospel.

I think you before me you always have chosen people like that cause you can bully them into buying into you.

I think a huge part of you enjoys the power in it. I think the only thing appealing in a relationship to you is power and not partnership, what a toxic perspective that is to hold.

I think you're used to being able to overwhelm someone.

I think you intentionally seem to minimize someone's ability to question you in any way by impressing that intellectually you are admired, even idolized in ways so no one would dare doubt anything you think or say.

I think you're used to people applauding you correcting them as something they should be grateful for when in reality it is so incredible disrespectful, at least in the way that you approach it.

I think the difference is that the place you always approached things from was always for a self-important, self-righteous reason and not with care, consideration, or connection at the fore front and that was always the underlying disingenuous feeling I felt with you.

I think you use your condescension to undermine others until they feel dismissed and submissive to your intelligence even if you are using it in a harmful way to them.

I think you have no idea how to respect others. An absolutely astonishing thing,

I think you know how to play the part to make it appear that way...

I think I continued to challenge the mask that you’re so used to putting on for others and eventually me removing that from you was everything you didn’t want me to see you as.

I think you're used to being able to keep your facade on without someone truly seeing your face until you want them to and it didn't take me long to get the facade to fall off.

I think you normally deal with people who aren't at the place with themselves to begin to know how to pull back the curtains to see who you really are behind the performance you put on.

I think you want to move at a pace that is comfortable for you but makes it almost impossible for some to truly get to know you because you don’t want anyone to actually know you.

As you said “I don’t want you to know all of me and I don’t want to know all of you right now. And I don’t think you will ever fully know me.” I think, I hope one day you gain the awareness to unpack that.

I think you never wanted and probably never will want someone who is your equal.

I think you initially liked the idea of me but not the reality of me and that’s what really sent you when it challenged you to look at yourself and feel things you didn’t want to feel.

I think that you initially liked the allure in thinking you found your equal but didn’t realize it would be our downfall because your ego couldn’t take it.

I think that was why you never chose it for yourself before, that is why you never met someone like me before.

I think you didn't realize that everything that I am would trigger the worst tendencies of you, the toxic parts you normally are able to keep under wrap and hidden; controlled because they don't need to show if you are controlling...or if someone doesn't even have the awareness and intelligence to comprehend what is actually happening.

I think you like easy, you like less than because it means manageable. It means controllable, it means moldable.

Moldable stands up because of you and not in spite of you.

I think that you want more control than you realize and it manifests in more ways than you are willing to admit to yourself and that translates into underlying ways you find faults with others.

I think that you look at things with a jaded lens.

I think that there is a reason why you care so much to articulate yourself so well but can’t be bothered to articulate your approach with someone you claim to care about more thoughtfully, more mindfully.

“There’s a difference in communicating openly, respectfully, considerately and thoughtfully, and communicating well and communicating with intent to assert dominance, righteousness, and influence.

In communicating with intent to gain control and coming from a place of communicating to find understanding, clarity, and compromise.

Anyone can be a good communicator when it’s easy, when they’re happy, when they are in good terms, and when they’re not in a state of being triggered but the true mark of if you’re a good communicator is how you communicate when it’s hard to, even your trauma wants to communicator for you.”

-MF

Anyone can speak well but it takes a certain kind of person to also be able to convey consideration and allow you to feel seen in the words they chose. The kind of person who understands the impact that their words can have and chooses to be direct while still being kind.

I think you confuse the definition in being direct with meaning you can’t still be kind.

I think you excuse your blatant lack of tact and insensitivity as dry and direct when it’s just clearly rude and cruel but in a slow burn, covert way. Backhanded insults and jabs.

There is no kindness that lives in the words that you choose especially when you pride yourself on such articulation but can’t convey consideration in communication.

I think you care about only being heard and not hearing others, not being misunderstood but not caring to understand others if it doesn't make sense to how you see things.

I think that there is a reason why everything that I did was problematic and incorrect yet I am the one with high unattainable standards and expectations to you.

I think you care about being "seen" and not seeing. The epitome of everything in one statement.

I think that there is something to be found in the fact you finding resolution in the answer of just being stubborn as the definitive, justified excuse to being unwilling to be open to compromise.

I think you don't understand that emotional intimacy is about give and take, not just taking. Not asking someone for something you refuse to give to them.

I think it’s funny how you say you want someone to know you, to see you but then you told me blatantly that “I will never completely know you, that you don’t want me to.”

I think you want to be seen without having to see someone else.

I think the only definition you truly understand is "my" instead of "middle" yet you seek a relationship so you said.

I think you look for reasons why not rather than reason why it could be.

I think you view differences as divides as deal breakers when it is a beautiful, a vital part of being human.

I think you want comfort not connection, I think you confused the two and I got mixed up in your inner chaos.

I think you view conflict with the perspective of seeking separation rather than navigation towards connection.

“A narcissist’s worst nightmare is an educated empath. -r.h. sin”

An evolved empath. An awareness empath.

I think that you aren’t being honest with yourself in some of the trauma you inherited in undesirable characteristics from the parent who raised you and until you face those demons, you will continue to allow those parts life within you.

They will manifest and manipulate and ruin everything good that will challenge you to grow that comes into your life.

I think the fear very much still lies in you that you aren't good enough and someone will leave and so you would rather blow up something before it has the chance to blow up on you.

I think the fear of someone having the power to hurt you still outweighs the will to let someone fully in.

I think the desire to not ever need to depend on someone, attach in a healthy way still very much holds you back in truly connecting in a real way.

I think you're afraid of not being enough because you don't believe that you are.

You don't believe that someone would stay for you.

I think you are afraid to disappoint and question how you’re able to show up and that is why you say the effort given is trying too hard when in reality it is giving the bare minimum.

I think you think it is safer to exist as you have and only in that way.

I think you have yet to evolve in the ways you need to learn that you can also find safety in others, in connection.

I think you don’t think you deserve someone to treat you good, to love you as you are, to accept you, and you’ve trick yourself into believing it’s simply that you are self sufficient and don’t need anyone.

I think you don’t know how to let someone love you and that translates into learning how to truly love someone else because that thought absolutely terrifies you.

I think that deep down your inner child doesn’t believe that you deserve good from others, that you think you can give yourself everything you need. Except you can’t that is why you try but that is why you look for your icks, you look for your faults in others, and you look for your reason why not instead of your reason why.

I think you don't know how to be whole with someone else who is whole without feeling like you're losing parts of yourself in that.

I think that you’ve turned into the highly critical, hyper independent, rigid self that you never wanted to be to protect your sense of self and you tell yourself it’s to protect your peace from others but it’s built walls that you refuse to let down and isolated yourself in the process.

I think you think you can build a relationship with your walls still ten feet tall but you expect others to let theirs completely down while scaling yours with you hiding behind them refusing to try climbing theirs.

I think there are a lot of things you mask and until you are truly honest with yourself, you will continue to hurt those who you try to connect with along the way.

You will continue to project as you protect your sense of self, your ego.

You will hurt those in the moments when you need to hold them. You will push them away when you should pull them in. You will shut down when you should stay open. You will hinder when you should help. You will choose to act out of selfishness when you should be selfless. You will destroy when you should create safe spaces. You will subconsciously attack when you should build.

I think your trauma is still has you convinced that empathy means you have to self abandon yourself when it has nothing to do with that.

I think that it still controls you in making you believe that you have to sacrifice your independence to nurture a connection instead of being able to understand those things aren't about losing to gain but coexisting in a space created that honors both of you. A space that allows both of you to grow and thrive as two wholes complimenting not completing.

I think you prioritize your independence over the relationship when it comes to showing up in the ways that need to be nurtured that have nothing to do with abandoning your own sense of self.

"Learning not to self abandon doesn’t mean to becoming so closed off to anything that is different than what you know. It means not allowing someone to disrespect you and change you in the process of exposing you to things new and differing ideals, beliefs, and ways of doing things.

It means not allowing them to invalidate you while they express the things that they think, feel, and believe.

It means not abandoning who you are, what you think, what you need, and what makes you happy in the process of getting to know them but also not attaching your sense of self out of fear to things you only hold onto for the comfort of the known.

It means learning the difference in when someone is challenging you to help you grow and when someone is trying to change you, disrespect you, and attack you in the process.

It means learning how to respect someone else while also respecting yourself.

It doesn’t mean becoming complacent with the realistic expectation that compromise is a vital part of a relationship and that stubbornness without embracing this will always end in being single or at least existing in toxicity if a connection does transpire."

-MF

I think you see your partner is an option and not a priority and that mentality is exactly what translated in how your actions made me feel.

You will create double standards and unhealthy dynamics with those you say you care about that you never wanted to give life to.

I think you don’t know when to put yourself first and when to put someone else first because you’ll always put yourself first. And that isn’t a partnership. That isn’t “equal.”

I think that you have a unhealthy need to define everything, in needing to control everything.

I think that you think you want every single thing to be “equal” in life but on your terms because there is so much that you’re willing to allow to be equal and until you realize that there will always be double standards that lie in the ways you exist.

You acted like you want equal everything but that isn’t what you want and I think the only reason that is a hyper fixation for you is because it masks the extreme imbalance you actually want.

I think that you think you are “lowkey and chill” but you allow so much that doesn’t exactly align with your way of being and thought to affect you.

I think you want others to be so you can get your way.

I think you want others to be so that you don’t have to be.

I think you don’t think you’re a my way or the highway mentality but you are. I think you still reject that and that is why it is still problematic for you in those that are capable of recognizing that truth about you.

I think you are hurting more than you are healing.

I think you want someone to see you truly but you still put up more walls than you want to admit not allowing someone to.

I think you see caring "too much" as something negative when in fact it is that you care "too little" and maybe that is the actual root of the issue.

I think its interesting how you want things to happen organically or say “you try too hard” but then you want permission, clarification, and instructions to be asked on everything before it’s done as if I should need a step by step guide rather than letting things happen and learning along the way.

I think that until you get to the point in life of seeing that some things do "actually matter" instead of the mentality that "nothing matters" that nothing good with stay, nothing will last.

I think you just wanted things to be easy and just work without work and that’s not realistic. I think you have no idea how to create and provide safety for someone else if that doesn’t exactly align with your idea of what that should look like and if that doesn’t come “naturally.”

I think it's ironic how hypersensitive you are to assuming that assumptions are being made when you very much do not lead with giving the benefit of the doubt when roles are reversed.

I think you jump so quickly when you feel a sense of assumptions but you so quickly make so many conclusions.

I think it is telling by itself the fact that you’re not able to see the intentions in thoughts and gestures but focus more on the negative of it being wrong in your eyes.

I think your perspective is skewed in self, what a sad way to live. What a sad place to try to connect from.

I think you view reassurance as codependency and that makes me think that you’ll be willing to give something to someone if you don’t think it’s necessary or if you don’t see the point. And what a limiting way to exist, what a toxic way to try to build a connect.

What a one sided way to be but to expect someone to meet you within.

I think you shy away from being serious or having deep conversations and feel like at times it is too much because it feels too vulnerable.

I think you want fun, not feelings. Truly, I think if you were honest with yourself and reflected you would accept that and that just wanting that is okay. Not everyone is meant to be in something committed or even wants that.

I think that maybe you’re not meant for relationships and that is okay.

I don't think you wanted what you think you wanted, what you said you wanted.

I don't know what you wanted from me or with me because it truly wasn't me.

I don’t know why you ever thought you wanted one with me.

I think you’re afraid to get too deep because you think you’ll lose yourself and that is what still need to heal inside of you.

I think you think it feels safer in shallower waters.

I think you want easy cause you don’t want to have to put in effort.

It feels safer to stay distant, to keep distance.

I think you texting...