An open letter to my idiotic testicles: dear testicles, you are the worst and I HATE you.

Balls,

I've really had it up to here with your bullshit. There's no "love/hate" relationship here. I literally just hate you. I know hate is a strong word but I mean it. So I want you to read every word of this damn hate mail and understand I mean every. damn. word. and I mean it with my whole damn heart.

I think you already know that I hate you. It's not a new thing. I've hated you for many years . But up until now this bitterness and resentment has been kept mostly private. And if we're being honest with each other, you'll admit that courtesy was far better than you’ve deserved.

What you've always deserved was a brutally honest, public shaming, and now you've got it.

I hate you so much that if you weren't a part of me it would probably come to blows. And we both know I'd absolutely crush you in a fight. But fortunately for you and unfortunately for me, that's just not in the cards. So I'll serve you what little justice I can.

You shall be publicly dragged and ridiculed and humiliated, and condemned... like the stupid, shitty assholes you are.

The pain and disappointment you've caused me demands some vengeance. So I'm going to vent about how hard you suck.

Naturally, some of the more compassionate readers here might think it's unfair for me to lay into you because you lack the capacity to defend yourselves. It might look like I'm punching down. But this concern is utterly misplaced. If either of us deserve empathy and understanding, its me, for having to put up with your douchebag behavior for so damn long. I believe that even the gentlest, most understanding man or woman would lose patience, crack under the strain, and give in to hatred if they were forced to endure the agonizing experience of lugging you fragile little fuckers around all the time with never a moment's relief.

So what's my beef with you? YOU HURT ME ALL THE GODDAMNED TIME. Is that any way to treat the person you dangle from?

I hate how you hang around when I'm about to sit down, then prank your way under my thigh so I end up sitting on you. Honestly, that shit is just super immature. It's not funny, and it fucking hurts.

I hate how you swing back and forth sometimes and slap into my legs or one another or miscellaneous objects whenever I try to run or change direction too quick.

I hate how when it's hot out, you sag so stupid low that the pendulum effect just goes into top gear. And I hate how when it's cold you try to climb up into my FUPA. You don't belong there, you trespassing bastards.

Seriously: show a little respect for my personal space and FUCK. OFF.

I also hate how there's no real middle ground when it comes to temperature, because when it's not to hot or too cold, you still manage to work up a sweat and plaster yourself to my thigh.

What the fuck is with that nonsense? It helps literally no one.

I hate how you take up way too much space between my legs. You're greedy, and you don't know how to share. You being selfish space-hogs makes it all but impossible to ride a bike without a special (goofy looking) noseless seat, because while you're trying to rest on the nose, the pedaling action flings you around like stones in a rock tumbler. And rather than grin and bear it, you decide to tweak my nerve endings and make me suffer? You know what that is? It's just cruelty. It takes a real sicko to want to make others hurt, just because you're hurting. And you know what, that's all you. And if I weren't the target of your ongoing harassment I might even find it in my heart to pity you, because that shit is just pathetic.

But as your victim, you’ll receive no pity from me. Only condemnations.

Now nuts, to your defense, if I didn't have such humongous thighs, maybe you'd have more room to breath and some of my complaints wouldn't feel so acute.. But as it is, that town is just not big enough for the three of us, and you need to be more accommodating and less of crybaby bully always trying to get your way.

I hate how because of you and your inconsiderate behavior, I pretty much can't wear pants in my size if they have a normal inseam, because anytime I bend over, you get right in the way and basically make the dude version of a front wedgie, but where the sack gets split and one of you gets twisted.

OH! And that brings me to my biggest grievance. I hate how often you get twisted.

Testicular torsion should not exist, and you morons KNOW THIS, yet you refuse to hold yourselves to any standards of ethical behavior.

In fact you seem to revel in your nasty, rotten, downright mean, and inconsiderate actions. You seem to glory in it. But you don't have a single damn thing to be proud of. You are heartless, evil bastards and a major inconvenience. All you do is make my life worse. I'm in near constant discomfort and frequent pain because of you, and you ought to be ashamed of yourselves.

And really right now, I'm really just talking to the right nut. Yeah you ugly bitch, I'm looking at you!

These days you get twisted at least once every couple of weeks. Sometimes I can tell that you've twisted yourself up because you don't like my pants. Other times you've gotten in a twist because I sat in a bad position and rather than voice your protest respectfully you decide to just be a vengeful sack of shit.

Sometimes I toss and turn and my sleep and wake up wincing and limping because you decided to do pirouettes while I was dreaming.

And other times? You don’t have an excuse and just decided to be a fucking asshole.

I guess that’s par for the course for people with bell clapper syndrome. That’s the deformity WE have where YOU are not properly anchored in the sack and decide to take it out on ME by dancing around and being a general pain.

I hate the pain. I hate looking down and seeing you all bunched up and plainly facing the wrong direction, and wondering which way I should try to untwist you. That shit is terrible. It’s anxiety inducing. Because I know if I guess wrong and I twist you tighter it’s gonna hurt like a bitch. Even if it’s only a quarter turn in the wrong direction.

So fuck your for holding me in a place of uncertainty and fear.

Why can't you be more like the left nut? He only gets twisted once in a blue moon. It's still too often, but the truth is he puts you to shame. Especially since he usually untwisted with some slight jostling and I don’t need to spend an hour trying to fix him.

I bet you'd say, "Sam, I've never gone full torsion. Only partial torsion, so count your blessings."

Yeah?! Blessings?! YEAH?!

Well, you fucking moron, if you go full torsion then it's a full blown EMERGENCY and I'd have to go to the ER to restore blood flow to save your skank ass.

Do you think I'd go?

Hahaha, NO!

Actually maybe I would. But not to do you any favors. I'd go to the ER and tell the doctor to just cut you off and have done.

So count YOUR blessings you miserable cunt! Because the day you slip up and do a full twist you're dead.... DEAD!

Would it surprise you to know I've considered elective surgery? Yeah you heard me.

I've considered how I could perhaps just... have a good doctor murder the fuck out of you. Just cut you out and throw you in a goddamn incinerator with piles of disgusting biowaste.

Wanna know where I'd scatter your ashes? In an open sewer, so you can rest eternal the way you lived.... Like an absolute piece of shit.

Alas, surgery is risky and besides I could never afford it. So as much as I despise you, I have to try to acknowledge I’m stuck with you. Literally attached somewhat near the hip.

To that end I try to engage in some positive thinking to help me cope.

So here goes: even though you’re awful, you have actually done some minor good for me. I don't think of it as generosity on your part, its more like an accidental byproduct of your very existence. But I appreciate the fact that you produce some useful hormones or whatever that help keep me dudely. I am a man and I don't want to change that. So you have a use. Thanks for the testosterone, etc.

It doesn't fully redeem you, not by a long shot. But it does kind of soften the blow when I consider the fact that at least for the time being I'm still stuck with you.

But you're on thin ice. In fact the ice is cracked and your fool toes are wet. If science ever invents a cheap, risk free method for disappearing you but not disappearing the hormones you provide you're a goner.

I'll keep the left though, since he's sometimes not a douchebag. And I think seeing you die forever might help scare him into good behavior.

I tend to think the left isn't all evil. I mean I know that one of you little turds played a significant role in creating the lives of my three children. And they're awesome. So thanks to whoever that was. Can't imagine who. Was it the sometimes shitty, but usually not downright evil left nut? or the morally repugnant-- and incredibly sadistic -- right nut?

What a goddamned mystery.

Seems obvious to me it was lefty. While I'll never know for sure which of you guys produced the sperms that went to use, I'll just end by saying this:

Thank you, I guess, for accidentally leaking out some hormones that my body put to use in my development, and which support my ongoing wellbeing.

Thank you sincerely (NOT both of you... unless you... took turns?) for playing a significant role in the production of three little humans who I love enough to redeem you.

And FUCK YOU both, but especially righty, for causing me near constant pain and discomfort. Fuck you both but ESPECIALLY RIGHTY for being the worst people I've ever met.

Honestly righty, you better turn shit around right the fuck now, because there's only so much God can forgive. Maybe you'll die before lefty and I, maybe we'll all die together. Who knows what death holds for the left and I. But one things nearly certain: if there's a Hell you're destined to roast there, and I don't think satan will be very kind to you.

Anyway, here's hoping!

Sincerely,

- Sam (the rest of the body you’re attached to)