An Apology for the Unknown

If someone asked my friends who I am as a person, there would probably be many positive things said about me. Even the negatives aren’t all that bad. But then again, I’m 30 years old. Ask 10-15 years ago, they still would’ve said positive words; but, not as many. Why? I was far more secretive. I didn’t want to let people in - for a plethora of reasons.

One of those reasons is my third girlfriend (We’ll call her Kam). I loved her dearly and wouldn’t deny that ever. At the end of one year with her, however, I decided we were far better off as friends. For we were, along with the third girl (Mai) in our personal circle, the three blind mice. We were, for the better part of things, Sora, Riku, and Kairi. Ash, Brock, and Misty. We were the three of us.

We were in high school and my life was full of activities and outings and social gatherings that she never got to be a part of. She sought out intimacy and public displays of affection that I wasn’t willing to give. We came from pretty different homes and backgrounds. This isn’t to say that I was a wildchild of sorts. I just had a very active social life. In the time that we knew each other, her mother let her go to one concert with me (and that happened after we had started college). In the time that we knew each other, I’d probably been to something in the range of 30-40 concerts (including local shows). Parties didn’t happen. Sleepovers initially took some very serious convincing - which is a little depressing when you consider that the sleepovers consisted of what nerd girls do: watch anime, play RPGs and video games, make fake AMVs and abridged scripts for our favorite shows and games. As much as I understood the concerns of Kam’s mother, I couldn’t bring myself to be 100% alright with how restricted she was. I was concerned about what would happen - little did I know that I would be both Right and Wrong.

After Kam and I broke up, she eventually rebounded (but didn’t heal) and found a new girlfriend who was head-over-heels for her. I didn’t particularly approve of the relationship because they were 2-3 years apart. It’s not a major breadth of time; but when you’re in high school, it is quite a big deal in the grand scheme of things. I felt uncomfortable that said girlfriend (Lola) wanted to go with us everywhere. Hang out with us - well. Really, with Kam. Which is fine as long as we didn’t have to bear witness to their makeout sessions - but we did. Quite a bit. Then, our senior year started and that’s when I started to put my foot down about it. We were adults.

Okay, alright. We weren’t adults. Legally, on paper, we were adults. And that relationship, in my mind, was statutory rape. Sure, Lola was of consenting age according to the state we lived in; but that didn’t ease my discomfort on the issue. I told Kam that Lola can’t go everywhere with us and do everything with us. Kam understood without too much convincing. Lola wasn’t thrilled. As such, they started spending more time together, away from us. Which hurt because ‘us’ eventually became ‘me’ as our third started college out of state.I addressed the issue since Kam and I would be going to the same in-state college, but had none of the same classes (as much as I tried to push her to study harder in high school, she simply cast herself in the shadows and gave up for the most part). Then, one morning, it dawned on me. As much as her lack of success with things was her fault, it was equally my fault for not discouraging her acceptance of failing and quitting. In that moment, I understood her desire to be with Lola. That was something she wasn’t failing at. That was someone who felt like Kam was the most perfect person on this planet. Whereas I hadn’t quite done that.

Since Kam and I had known each other, we also pushed each other toward our dreams in what little ways we could. However, I couldn’t see that she was stuck behind her obstacles while I was flourishing and making leaps and bounds toward my own goals. I couldn’t accept when she would speak negatively about her talents, skills, and herself; b it also didn’t;’t know what to do about it other than continue to be as supportive as possible from the sidelines. I offered to tutor her. Kam didn’t want that. The only piece of advice Kam was willing to take from me was to just drop out of college. And so, we did. But before that, before we went separate ways, we had an epiphany.

I remember: it was a beautifully rainy weekend and I had the house to myself. Kam decided to dump Lola; which I had to uncomfortably witness. We arrived at the station nearest my place after leaving school for the day and Lola was waiting for us. I offered to leave them alone, but Kam demanded that I stayed. There was yelling, tears, heartbreak, and betrayal. I understood how my breaking up with Kam affected her; and how Kam’s departure would affect Lola. When the depressing scene finally came to a close, we went back to my residence and hung out. Kam stayed the night. We talked, gamed, drank, talked some more. We fantasized about making it in our respective careers and meeting our favorite idols. Eventually, we fell asleep and awoke to a new day.

On this day, Kam decided she wanted to try to reignite the spark the in our romantic relationship - except there wasn’t one to reignite for. After much coercion, begging and pleading, adamant demanding, and such, Kam got me to relent to her sexual advances. But I would’ve been damned if I allowed her to think I was happy about it, enjoyed it, or was going to reciprocate. She was quite frustated to say the least. When everything was said and done and she said was leaving to run some errands, I didn’t say goodbye. I grunted out of ire and allowed her to walk out of the door and out of my life. Some time later, I would be forced to relocate due to circumstances beyond my control. Some time after that, our third would reach out to me to let me know that Kam had been admitted to the psych ward after having and intense mental breakdown at a family function.

I went to go visit her and I could see the shame and sadness on her face when I walked through the door. I sat and listened to her recount her story and hung my head low. Was any of this my fault? Was I to blame? Did I play some part in this? Or had she wallowed too deeply in her own self-pity? I will never honestly know. I will only know what came next.

When she was finally home, I gave her some time to settle and readjust and proceeded to check on her. Things were okay; or so it seemed. With all three blind mice having had dropped out of college, we were all a little depressed and concerned about where our individual lives were heading. So, we did the best thing we could do: have a sleepover to relax, talk, and recuperate. But, Kam was different. Disinterested. Annoyed. Angry, even. But the weekend was still well enjoyed by all. We decided to have another sleepover a month later for our third’s birthday. Kam’s gift was that she was dissolving our friendship. That she hated us and everything we did. That we were irresponsible and had zero drive. That I was a terrible influence, a terrible friend, and a terrible person all around. Mai cried. I was angry. On the train ride home, Kam and I sat in the same booth and spoke not one word. The silence between us screamed dubious war cries into the ending existence of ’us’.

Several years later, I sent Kam a birthday card. I had moved back into the area and had been thinking about her. Her mother spotted me on my way home from work one day. We chatted, caught up, and shared current events. I was working as a pre-school teacher; Kam was working at Walmart. A job is a job, I wasn’t going to look down on her for finding something - even if her mother did. Then Kam’s mom brought up the birthday card and smiled. “You were the only person to send her a birthday card and gift.” That statement stung; it made feel sad. Not pity, just true sadness. I tried reaching out to Kam after that, but she avoided me like the plague. I offered her a ride to work so she wouldn’t have to cross the highway by foot and she speed walked away like I was a predator. I went to go visit one of my other friends. Didn’t notice Kam doing laundry next door until I saw her scurry out and away from me as if I were going in to get her. So, I decided to just stay away.

I will never know what exactly happened after we went our separate ways. I only know that I shan’t disturb her peace with my mere existence. I hope that she‘s found happiness within herself. That she had found love and acceptance for herself within herself. I hope that she decides to pursue her goals again - she was great at was she passionate about. I forced myself to forget her phone number. Her address. Her birthday. Even her for the most part; but little bits still remain. I hope she’s healed. And whatever she feels I did to her: I’m sorry.