Ambiverts of the World, Unite!

It used to be so easy and simple: You are either an extrovert (turn toward people, love social interactions, revel in being the heart of a party, thrive in large gatherings) or an introvert (a hermit who is terrified of the social interactions and would rather spend time with a pet, book, or a good movie, turning away from others and inward the self). Extroverts are energized by other people and interactions with them, while introverts recharge on and in solitude. Well, you know the drill - this personality dimension has been carved into us since childhood.

In interviews and other situations where this dimension was important, people were forced to put themselves into one category, to define themselves as either an extrovert or the introvert. "If you love people, go into sales, if you hate people - go into IT and computers" kinda thing. And many people felt that it was constraining them, pinning them with a label that did not exactly fit.

The truth is, pure extroverts and pure introverts are extremely rare. They are like unicorns who are hiding from our view, and there are more unicorns on the "introversion" end of the spectrum.

Most of us are in between. And we have finally found a word for us - ambiverts. "Ambi" means "both" in Latin, and "vert" means "to turn," so ambivert is someone who turns both towards and away from other people. Depending on the situation, energy levels, and moods.

I have been blessed with a tight circle of friends from grad school - this year marks 30 years since we know each other. There are four of us and we try to get together for a reunion every year or every other year at worst. In between, we make an effort to see each other whenever we are in the vicinity or one another. It's not an easy task - one lives in a college town in western Massachusetts, another one - in Virginia Beach, the third one - near Washington, DC, and I shuttle between northwestern Pennsylvania and Atlanta. So staying in touch on socials and by phone/text is essential.

Two of these friends are extremely extroverted: One has built her entire successful career on it as a leadership coach while the second one is a bubbly, people-curious, genuinely engaging but also absent-minded professor, beloved by her students and colleagues. The third friend is a clear and self-defined introvert who is also a very successful professional working mostly with texts and graphics rather than people.

You might say I stepped into my own trap here: If pure extroverts and pure introverts are rare, how did I end up with three out of four of them in my circle? Remember how I said I was blessed? I have no other explanation except that we just ended up in the same graduate program and made an effort to keep in touch with each other and maintain our ties.

In any case, this is how introverts and extroverts can have a blind spot when it comes to their own circles. Most people tend to gravitate to people like them, especially extroverts who usually tend to think that people they are in sync with are just like them, i.e. extroverts.

During one of our reunions, the three of us (sans the leadership coach) were taking a walk, catching up and talking about everything and nothing. Our introverted friend said something about not wanting to go to a place with a lot of people because she was an introvert. Our extroverted professor was completely shocked by that revelation.

"How can you say that you are in introvert when you hang out with us all the time?" she asked incredulously.

"I know you well and feel comfortable with you," the introverted friend replied. "I don't feel comfortable in situations where there are a lot of people I don't know."

My extroverted friend still couldn't believe it. She cited all the instances and examples of our introverted friend partaking in social activities that would be characteristic of mostly extroverts - parties, gatherings, walks in crowed places, and even protests. To which the answers were "Again, I was with the people I know and trust or I felt that my own discomfort was less important than participating in the event."

I listened to this, quite amused, and finally asked our extroverted friend, "Are you really trying to convince someone who is an introvert and knew that about herself all her life that she is an extrovert?"

My extroverted friend then replied, "Hmm, when you put it like that... I guess this will make me rethink some of our experiences and interactions."

To make light of the situation, I asked both of my friends, "Who do you think I am - an introvert or an extrovert?" They both took time to think. Then the introvert said I might be an introvert but she was not sure. And the extrovert said I might be an extrovert but she was not sure either.

"I'm actually both," I said. "I'm an ambivert."

"That makes sense," the introverted friend said.

"Is that a new thing?" the extrovert asked. And we've got into the entire discussion of what "ambi" means and how I indeed act as both an introvert and an extrovert.

Here's a short listing, based on my lived experiences and self-reflections:

1. I love big cities, with their large crowds, confusing streets, messy public transportation, and even odors. I revel in taking walks in city streets, striking conversations with the strangers, and simply people watching. But on the flip side of this, I need to have my own quiet place in a big city where I can retreat and spend 2-3 days in a row in my pjs not leaving the place at all, just working, writing, or reading a good book.

2. I like large parties and gatherings but only if I know at least one person there. I will use that person as a landing base in case my other interactions are not as good as I expected or I need to retreat. That one time when my best friend in Moscow left me alone for about 45 minutes at a restaurant (where just the two of us were supposed to celebrate the New Year's) because she fancied some guy at the bar was probably the most memorable experience for me of being alone in a completely crowded place. It was not fun for me at all.

3. I like being the center of attention when I am prepared and know what to say. This is why I love teaching and presenting at professional conferences - I usually know my shit. At the same time, I absolutely hate the idea of someone recording me in those situations and making the recording public. For the same self-conscious reason I rarely post my pictures online, they are only for my close friends and family.

4. I love watching movies in movie theaters. I am completely comfortable going to a sold-out theater by myself and just observing and sharing in the experience with strangers. On the flip side, I can binge-watch a TV show in a couple of nights and not even regret that there was no one next to me to discuss it. I can always write a review on Vocal for that.

5. Even though I'd prefer to do that with someone, I can easily go to a public bath on my own. I did that in Budapest because I was there for a short time and wanted to go to the famous Turkish baths. I enjoyed that experience and even wrote a story about it here on Vocal. But I am in Tbilisi for nine months now and haven't gone to the famed sulfur baths because I want to do it with someone else.

6. I can throw a great party for up to eight people. Anything larger than that - I will feel like I'm a bad hostess because I want be able to give everyone due time and attention. And after a small party, I will take time for myself to unwind with a good long shower and a glass of wine paired with dark chocolate and a comedy TV show or a good book.

7. My mom would describe me as a social butterfly, slightly less hovering than my sister. My sister, who is an extreme extrovert blessed with a shy, thoughtful, and reserved daughter, thinks that her daughter and I are similar hermits. My sis often tells me that my much more extroverted son should have been hers and I should have been my niece's mom.

I hope you are getting the pattern of how I straddle between extro- and introversion. And it's not just a hunch or experiential observation, I have actually taken a good number of psychological tests that consistently define me as an ambivert slightly leaning toward extroversion. I am only one case, but there are many more of us and it's time for ambiverts of the world to finally claim their rightful place on the spectrum.

To conclude this lengthy essay: on the normal distribution, most people in the world would be ambiverts, some leaning more toward the introverted end of the spectrum and some - toward the extroverted one. Pure extroverts and introverts are outliers. But we should thank them for defining the dimension.

If you would like to see how much of an ambivert you are, here are some short and reliable tests, in the descending order of credibility and reputation, with the active links to them. I'm also providing the screenshots of my results on each of them. Have fun if you choose to take them and don't take them or yourself too seriously.

1. Psychology today test

2. PsychCentral test

3. VeryWell Mind test

4. Science of People test (This one will ask for your email before displaying results, so skip it if you don't want to receive emails from them. The site seems geared to businesses that want to increase sales and train their salespeople.)