All My Exes Hate Me: Part 4 - The One From Hinge

"I never told you this.

But the last time I left your apartment, you were telling me to leave. Then begging me to stay. Then telling me to leave again.

When I finally left, I don’t know why.

I just started running.

Like, sprinting down the hallway. I was literally running, hoping I remembered the way out of the building. I thought you were going to come out and cause a scene or try to make me stay. Even when I got to my car, I sped all the way home. I was so concerned."

Whew.

Listen - I’ve had plenty of men run away from me. Emotionally.

But knowing this man literally ran away from me. Scared for his life or an emotional scene in the hallway.

It takes the cake.

I didn’t know this happened until we sat down and spoke.

This situation was a little different. When I first started this, I asked him to participate, and he agreed. I sent him the questions, and he answered.

They sucked.

They were short and half-assed. Like I gave him an assignment and he worked on it on the way to school the morning it was due.

But let's go to the beginning.

I remember seeing him for the first time.

He had on shorts. I remember his legs (it's kind of my thing, shut up).

He was so cute. He was athletic, confident - with a boyish grin I couldn't look away from.

He didn’t pay an ounce of attention to me.

So naturally, I was obsessed. But I'm just a shy girl in a grown woman's body, so I didn't say a word.

Time went on, and in my moments of boredom and the thought of dying alone, I downloaded Hinge. He messaged me.

I couldn’t believe what I was seeing. I was a little girl again. Kicking my little feet in the air.

He didn’t realize he already knew me. LOL. Funny how someone can mean so much in your mind and you're not even a thought in theirs.

We dated for about three weeks.

It was fun. I was so attracted to him. I remember one of my friends telling me how much she liked how he was with me.

But then things, as they do, took a turn.

I crashed out. (this will continue to be a theme, don’t you worry!)

I picked a fight because, man, I'm so fucking good at it.

We spoke about him still being on Hinge and I asked what he wanted. I remember him telling me he wasn't looking for anything. The gag is, neither was I.

But somehow, I was angry. HE didn't want ME? How dare he?

Why wouldn’t he want to be with me? A complicated, damaged, "finding herself" girl who knows she shouldn't be with anyone before working out her issues? Why wouldn’t he want that?

I know, it’s insane. But I just wanted him to want me. (Thanks, dad).

Describe us in one word.

"Potential. It had potential to be a good relationship, an actual relationship. It had potential to get me off the streets."

If there’s one thing about me - I fall hard. I fall fast. For a very long time I didn't know the difference between infatuation and love. I'm still not sure I do.

What was the worst thing about me?

"Your emotional state during that time. Bipolar as fuck."

I remember hating how he made me feel towards the end.

I knew something was wrong with me. I knew I was going through it. I just didn’t appreciate his delivery.

I always wanted someone else to fix me. I wanted someone to see through the damage and the facade and just be obsessed with me the way I was with them.

But honey, that's so unrealistic. Nobody can fix your shit but you.

What was your favorite thing about me?

Your laugh. There's something about it. It's contagious."

We saw each other at an event almost a year later. He looked great and it was so annoying. But I know I looked good too.

It was on purpose.

We spoke about a lot during our limited interaction. I told him how it felt to be kicked when I was down. I apologized for kicking him when he was standing strong.

What's your favorite memory of us?

"I remember I stopped you when I was walking you to your car. I kissed you and I started grabbing your butt. That’s when I thought - we could really be something."

I knew it, too. But in pure Gail fashion, my subconscious knew it was something I couldn't handle. I had to ruin it. Abort mission.

Things change. Even seeing him was different. It was so nice, like catching up with a friend (the type you want to kiss).

I could've run it back. Fucked him. Pretended it didn't matter. But if there's one thing I learned - it does matter. At least to me. No more pretending to be the cool girl.

“I think this is what’s making me horny. The way you are right now, like happier”

Sigh. Boys will be boys.

I'll remember him forever.