ALL MY EXES HATE ME

Just kidding. Some of them actually still love me (allegedly).

Luckily enough, I have a few that are in the sweet spot between hate and willing to talk to me for this story.

So yeah — I lost my mind and decided to interview my exes.

I made a list of about twenty men, spanning over two decades. Then I condensed. Some I chose to leave off (for now). Others respectfully declined.

From ex-boyfriends to love affairs, situationships to unrequited love — right down to the guy who took my virginity — I rounded up a handful of ghosts from my past to help me answer the age-old question:

What the fuck is wrong with me?

And don’t worry — they weren’t afraid to tell me.

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Let's get this out of the way— I am no saint.

I’ve cheated. Lied. Manipulated.

I’ve embarrassed them. I’ve definitely embarrassed myself.

I’ve been a drunken menace. Jealous. Possessive. Insecure.

The list is not short.

The beauty in all of this?

I know my faults. That's what makes the next part a bit easier.

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I, like any other woman, have looked back at my dating life and thought “Man, I have dated some LOSERS.”

Yes, in all caps.

But as I got older, the question shifted:

Who was the real loser?

Was it the guy with no car who cheated constantly —

Or the one who kept taking him back?

The guy who love-bombed me and left for someone else —

Or the girl who pined over him for years?

Or my personal favorite...

The man who couldn't keep a job and knocked me up —

Or the one who stayed another year afterward?

The answer?

Me. I was the bigger loser.

I should’ve known better. But I didn’t.

Because I was young. I was desperate for love.

And I was carrying the wounds of a life without a father. (hehe)

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So come take a walk with me.

Let me expose my idiocy, my trauma, and everything I learned along the way.

And the best part? A bunch of ghosts from Gail’s Past agreed to let me dig into old memories.

I wouldn’t recommend this experiment to everyone. But from what I've been told, I’ve always been a little nuts.

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Ground rules:

No names. No overly revealing details.

For privacy — and hello, the honor of journalism!

But here’s what I can share: what it was like to revisit my past.

I had my list. I had my questions. I went to town.

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It was harder than I expected.

To be completely honest, meeting up and having conversations with them really took a toll on me.

I was so excited to write again, I forgot how brutal it can be to reopen old wounds.

Talking to these men surfaced patterns I hadn’t wanted to admit.

It brought back memories — both beautiful and heartbreaking.

It reminded me of something I’m still learning: it’s okay.

Some interactions were awkward. Some felt like catching up with an old friend.

Some were welcomed into my house with open arms. Others only agreed to email.

Some even ghosted me (classic).

I was genuinely surprised by how many said yes.

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One question I asked them was: describe me in one word.

I got “funny,” “strong,” and “smart” — but the one that stuck?

Chaotic.

It made me laugh because that tracks.

I didn’t want to accept love unless it was chaos. So if it wasn’t, I made it that way.

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Apologies were exchanged.

Some I didn't think I needed. Some from me, too.

It felt like meeting past versions of myself —

Versions I remember, but barely recognize.

I don’t believe people completely change. I will still be who I am at my core. But every day, I work on the parts that no longer serve me.

After revisiting 20 years of dating, I’m still unlearning old lies:

That I’m unlovable.

That I’m too much.

That chaos equals passion.

It doesn’t. It just equals pain.

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In the end, I thank these men.

Just kidding. Let's not get carried away.

But I did learn from each one.

Even the ones who chose not to participate.

Even the ones I'll never think about again.

Some I can now call my friend. Others will remain in the past.

But most importantly: I forgave myself.

For who I was. For what I accepted.

And I’m proud of who I’ve become.

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Here's what I know:

I’ve given my heart to people who didn’t deserve it.

I have been careless with those who gave me theirs.

I am the villain in many stories.

I'm the love of someone's life in others.

To some, I was just a body, not a heart.

To a few, I'm the one that got away.

All of those things can be true at the same time.

It just depends on who’s telling the story.

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Some quotes from the boyz:

“Talking to you is like going back in time and it feels like home.”

“Fuck it... maybe I was just addicted to the chase.”

“I can’t drink Jose Cuervo because of you.”

“I do think you remember things differently than I do… and my memory is better lmao.”

“I actually don’t think I’ve ever loved someone as much as I’ve loved you.”

“Best set of tits ever.” (Thanks!)

“Try to enjoy the people that care about you and don’t push them away.”

Thank you, kings, for your candor and your chaos.

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Coming up next?

This was just the overview. I'll be digging into each story - one chapter at a time. Let's unpack the chaos properly.

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Written by Gail

Just a woman learning, unlearning, and oversharing. Laughing through the chaos, one ex at a time.