Aging With Grace is Challenging

Experience can be a burden sometimes. Sometimes I feel like I know too much or have been through so many difficult times, so I am frozen. Like a growth paralysis. When I recall some of the best days of my life, I know that they happened because I was extremely brave to have pursued them. However, the flip side is also true. Some of the worst days of my life occurred from a bad choice or action, and then my courage was tested for enduring and surviving it. Life is pretty crazy like that. I think it's especially mysterious when a great day or a horrible day occurs without any choice at all. You can neither take credit or blame for it. Those days are the days where I was either thanking God immensely, or begging Him for some relief from the strife or pain.

Life seemed easier in some ways when I was younger. As a teen or in my 20s, my mother was my best friend and she was strong and successful. I knew that if I made a poor choice, she would catch me, pick me up, and help me find my way back to a better choice. She did that for me many times.

The last bad choice I made was getting married. My mother died the year after I did that. So last year when I got divorced, she wasn't around to pick up the pieces and show me what's next. I can only hope that somewhere in Heaven, she's watching me and saying, "My daughter finally grew up."

Is that what growing up really means? Having no one? Being all alone? Being paralysed mentally and not being able to make any decisions because life is so dangerous and there's no one to depend on who will help if I do something wrong?

That's how it seems to me.

It's the allegory of the cartwheel. As a teenager and up until I went through menopause, I could do a cartwheel. A simple gymnastic move brought me much pride and joy. But after getting beat up (literally) by others, my body is not capable of doing that anymore. I have to find some pride and joy in the phrase "aging with grace" which I'm probably not as good at.

This holds true with other life decisions as well. I may not have a dowry or a father to give me to some would-be future husband, but I'm still lovable and worthy. Yet romance seems like another dangerous road. What's the point of getting involved with someone again? I've already lived the culmination. I've already climbed that mountain and fell off. I'm just lucky to still be alive.

Or what about career? Was it my destiny to think back on my days at Burger King as the highlight of my job capabilities? The days when I could stand for 10 hours, see the register without glasses, and smile back at the rudest of customers? Or is it my destiny to be grateful for the time that I did get to stand in front of a classroom and see what it was like to be the teacher? Or is it my destiny to simply be satisfied that I had the opportunity to start and co-run a mostly successful small business with my husband while we were still harmonious? Perhaps.

I could try something again. Teaching isn't completely out. I could still tutor or write lesson plans for the teachers still in the trenches. Maybe I will. As for my own business, there are ways. The internet still offers some opportunities, and recently I discovered some other possibilities albeit they come with some large risks. Business endeavors are always a gamble and as I have "grown up" I'm not much into gambling anymore.

I have to say goodbye to my Burger King days though. A few months ago I was thrilled that Taco Bell had given me a chance to work. I only last 4 hours. They were so disappointed and so was I. I could not stand any longer than that. They said they couldn't work with me. They needed someone who could stand for at least 6 hours. That's how it is. When I see people older than me in jobs like that, I don't know how they are so lucky to be able to stand for such long hours. Perhaps they avoided getting beat up by horrible human beings. I guess we all get different blessings.

So I'll just count the blessings that I still have. No, I can't work at Burger King or Taco Bell. I can't earn money like that anymore. I lost something I had in the past just like I can't do the cartwheel anymore. Must accept that and call it "aging with grace". But I can still go for long walks. I can still keep my home clean without having to hire a maid. I can still dress myself.

I will never enjoy ice-skating or rollerskating again. But I can still drive my car. I can still ride a bike. I can still go on the merry-go-round.

My rollercoaster days are over. "Aging with grace" means accepting that even if the opportunity is there, that doesn't mean I should take it. "Aging with grace" means accepting that gambling with money or my bones is not considered wise or "graceful".

It was very difficult to accept this. It's very difficult to leave "youth" behind. Perhaps what I am calling my "action paralysis" is really just learning to take a different path. The path of "aging with grace" which is to include the living style that I haven't done yet. The living style of taking it easy and not running for another opportunity to prove it can be done regardless of the difficulty involved.

If I've earned anything at this point in my life, I've earned the right to say "Been there, done that" or "Why should I?"