Acts of Kindness

Nearly 6 years ago I graduated from my Master's program. I took a job on the other side of the state from where I had been living for what I thought was a great launching point in my career.

What actually happened was that I was rent poor, making nearly $20,000 more than I do now but unable to buy groceries regularly enough so that I began to reduce meals down to 2 times a day instead of three, and there were nearly always pasta. Pasta and beans when I was really hungry, pasta and sauce normally, pasta and nutritional yeast when I desperately needing 1. nutrition and 2. a different flavor. Point being I was struggling. Financially, spiritually, professionally, health wise, everything in my world was coming together, as it tends to do from time to time, to force me to reckon with some deeply held, inaccurate beliefs I had about what my life 'should' be, what success meant, where my worth came from and ya know, for kicks, I was going through a gnarly heartbreak.

It wasn't great.

I continued on, calling my mom daily, crying before work, and again after (probably a super fun time for her too) but made it through with help from some extraordinary women I got to work along side and befriend. Then the Orlando club shooting happened and I felt devastated that our world is the way it is, that our country is the way it is, and I felt helpless. I felt shattered, however, following any kind of life shattering event or events, is the metaphorical opportunity to make a mosaic from what you were to help shape who you will become, leaving room for some unexpected possibilities.

I was painting a lot at the time and finding enormous comfort in it and I had a moment where I thought, well, what if I did this. What if shared the joy of painting with other people. I needing around $150 to get start up supplies, and I asked for donations from friends and family so I could create events where people could show up, have canvas and supplies available, and be able to create and keep their creations free of charge. I was shocked by how quickly people were willing to help, within days I was at $90 and nearly ready to get the supplies. A few days after that a letter came in the mail from a friend of mine who I'd done some leadership work with in college with a note and a check to make up the difference and then some. I was humbled and deeply touched by the generosity. With the start up supplies I started hosting regular painting events at the college resident hall with a small turn out that ended up being filled with meaningful conversation. I also got to do a few events at assisted living and nursing homes where residents had never just 'painted' and didn't know where to begin. All and all the initial supplies supported about a half dozen events.

Life happened, I moved, moved again, switched jobs a few times and the project petered out. Then a global pandemic happened making it ill advised to restart such an endeavor. Plus I have a fairly chronic issue with follow through(topics for another time).

For a while I felt like I'd failed not keeping the project running and my ideas for keeping self-sustaining flopped but after living this last year I feel differently.

I have found warmth in the generosity of friends and family from that time for years, even when I'm angry, outraged, feeling hopeless their generosity to me in that chapter keeps an ember of goodness stoked inside me. My anger can sometimes lead me to some pretty foulmouthed tweeter rants but that ember always guides me back to center. I don't know if any of the people that participated in the art and connection events still think of them or were as impacted but it's possible and the single act of generosity, of kindness, of making moments brighter, even for a short while, and leave a glow that guides long after the moments passed.