About love

Love is what makes life worth living.

Someone told me that love is something that will shake my world. Although love can indeed change lives, those definitions of love are wrong.

After loving too many people who are not worthy of my love, and being broken by too many careless people, I realized how distorted my concept of love is. I ventured into the world of dating with unhealthy beliefs and habits, but I could hardly survive in a world that I thought would be beautiful.

It took me a while to understand the truth about love.

But I have to accept some cruel facts about love in order to finally experience the kind of love I think everyone deserves:

1. You can't let others love you

Love is not something that is forced or bribed. This is not a reward for all your efforts.

If someone does not love you, you will not be able to change their minds. If they don't want to be with you, that is a decision you must accept.

But I also want you to look at it this way: You shouldn't want someone who doesn't want you. I know that when you deeply love someone who doesn't love you, it's hard to see clearly. But one day, if you allow yourself to do this, you will find someone who will no longer guess about loving you.

Therefore, although you cannot make someone love you, you can choose someone who cannot imagine a life without you.

Tears and fights are not love

I spent my early twenties with an emotionally abusive man. But more importantly, I never thought it was abusive. I thought all pain was just the way love works.

After a terrible battle, I cried on the bathroom floor for several nights. I believe in insults for my slightest mistake. But I think those high emotions are passion; every tear I shed is because we love each other.

I now know that love is not about hurting each other. I don’t blame my young self for mistaking those strong feelings for passionate relationships. But I am glad I know now that constant tears and tears are not what love should be.

2. People make time for what they want

Think about your own life. Do you always make time to prioritize what?

Maybe it's your friends, family, cats or Pilates class. Whatever it is, you will make every effort to invest your time in it, because these aspects of life will make you happy.

The same is true for dating. If someone wants to see you, they will make time. Excuses such as "work has gone crazy" or "I am not in a suitable place for dating now" are clear indicators of moving forward.

Of course, in addition to love, people have other priorities in their lives, but if someone does not put you first, then they will clearly show how much they value you. Don't settle for people who are indifferent to you.

3. No one can replace your love for yourself

When I was in my 20s, it was an insecure mess. I seek happiness through interpersonal relationships to prove my existence. Because of my dissatisfaction with life, I struggled deeply with depression.

After working with an excellent therapist for many years, I realized how unhappy it is to be alone. My goal is zero, I have no passion, I hate what I see when I look in the mirror, I hate the night when I think alone.

After I stopped dating for a year and focused on repairing my relationship with myself, I realized how important it is to love myself. I am not saying "you must love yourself before others love you", but no one can replace your love for yourself.

4. Love is not enough to make a relationship work

People think they can ride the wave of strong desires forever, but each wave will eventually end. You will hit the sand. If you want to help each other and move in the same direction, you must make a choice.

Because the intense fascination known as the honeymoon period will eventually subside. The belief that things will always be good is an unhealthy expectation of any relationship.

Although love is necessary, a relationship also requires other qualities, such as respect, understanding, shared values, and compassion. You will never rely solely on a feeling.

5. You change loneliness by loving instead of being loved

If you feel lonely, you are likely to focus on finding someone you can love, whether it is platonic or romantic.

But being alone is a state of neutrality; how you feel about it depends on you. You may think that love is a cure for loneliness, but what you really need is to make your life more fulfilling.

Although being loved is a wonderful feeling, giving love will make you more fulfilling.

Because when you give love, you create happiness without you. Expressing appreciation and concern for others will make us feel good, simple and simple. In fact, I think the feeling we all desire is not true love; it is giving love.

We don't realize how powerful this behavior is, because we hide our love for a few people in our hearts. But next time you feel lonely, focus on giving love to the people in your life. See how fast your whole mentality changes.

6. You don’t need to be broken to be worthy of love

Let me be clear: I don't think anyone is "broken."

Everyone has experienced some kind of trauma. No one will establish a new relationship with zero luggage. So you don't need to act as worthy of love as you are broken.

For every new relationship, I think I need to be a troubled girl. When I told my partner about my history of eating disorders and depression, I conveyed the details with hesitation and fear. After finishing, I waited for them to rush in to rescue me.

Like a puzzle, I put the pieces on the table, hoping that my partner will put them together again. I think that behavior creates love and intimacy.

But then I learned that love is created in other ways. I don’t need to behave badly; in fact, I speak with certainty about my past. Of course, this is not the happiest story. But it was these struggles that made me who I am today.

If there are any truths about love to remember, it is these: all kinds of love are important, know what you deserve, and don’t let loneliness fool you into thinking you need more love.