A Year's Reflections

I was reflecting on the last year of my life.

Last December, I was doing everything I could do to try to protect myself and my children from the threat that I couldn't let anyone know about. I had a couple of women's shelters saved on my phone and had a "go bag" packed and hidden so that I could flee at a moment's notice. I tried my best to play my part correctly - I was a good Christian wife who needed to submit to her husband after all. I was devastated on New Year's Eve when after I had put in so much work over the holidays and twisted myself up into a pretzel to attempt to not get physically hurt, that my partner didn't even care to celebrate the launch of my 3rd book. We had just watched the movie he wanted to watch: Free Guy. But, it was never going to be enough from me and I accepted it as the last piece of my heart shattered as he just shrugged off my accomplishment.

In January, I was sure that I wanted a third child and went for that goal even though I was terrified to do so. It didn't stick and I was devastated, but later on, I was so grateful! I broke up with my partner - not once or twice, but several times as he couldn't seem to grasp the idea that I was done with our relationship.

In February, I was a single mother and went out on a couple of dates. I fell hard for the first guy who showed me a glimpse of positive attention... and then it was over as fast as it had started. I was trying to find myself again and trying to keep the peace... trying to convince myself that I had my life under control. I was doing my absolute best to not let anyone see how terrified I was. I did a good job of it because not many suspected a thing!

In March, things spiraled majorly. I didn't let my partner back into my life when he apologized and things escalated. I started asking for help, but there wasn't a lot of options. I started getting my end-of-life documents together. A few of my professionals asked why now and I just shrugged it off. I didn't tell them that I was pretty sure that I wasn't going to make it out alive. I kept my thoughts very close and did my best to not spiral. I had my very first surgery and a hard recovery.

In April, I became an independent home owner and had to go to court to try to keep myself and my little ones safe. It was downright terrifying to own my own home. What if everything went sideways? What if I was fighting against my bigger purpose? What if I should just sell my home? What if this would just trap me here? What if I made the biggest mistake of my life? Court was more of the same line of questions in my brain: Should I trust these strangers with the entire truth? Will they even believe me? Is it worth it? Maybe he was right and I am just the entire problem.

In May, I had more struggles and changes with disengaging with my partner. I needed a lot of help and God provided. I spent a lot of time in fear and feeling trapped. My emotions were completely overwhelming and I am honestly not completely sure how I survived. If my Mom hadn't stayed most of the month with me, I probably wouldn't have survived and gone crawling back to my abuser as my brain longed for the known instead of facing the unknown that was in front of me.

In June, we went to mediation to do a custody agreement. I was terrified that I was going to have to face my abuser alone, but God sent a wonderful attorney my way at the very last moment. God's timing left me a little overwhelmed, but He let me know that He has everything under control. I started having more of a connection with a friend that I had met in May.

In July, I started seeing my new friend on a regular basis. I got used to my new routine with shared custody and a parenting time schedule. I found things to do to fill my new free time. I started dumping my emotions in my journal... all of the entries that I had avoided because I couldn't handle the emotional waves trying to drown me. I started doing a lot of self-care and learning to love myself just as I am.

In August, I realized that I wanted more out of my life then just the occasional companionship of a man. I wanted a relationship and a deep connection, but I couldn't figure out what that would look like or what I really needed within a relationship. I also focused a lot on filling up my own cup and learning to love myself because I knew (with absolute certainty) that I never want to rely on another person to help me feel whole. I should be whole on my own - with God, of course - and companionship is just an added bonus.

In September, I hit the end of my rope. I wanted to end my life. I had made a plan when everything had overwhelmed me back in July with the idea that if I had things to live for, that I'd just not follow through. But, it was now on my calendar and the urge to follow through got more and more intense - because I am a planner type person and now had a plan. I had another trial run with a very mild dose of antidepressants and found out that my body still doesn't react very positively to them. It was quite the experience and my psychiatrist is now extremely hesitant to try any more such experiments. lol I am very thankful to say that I am now looking forward to turning 43 - which means that I will be sticking around for a while! *smile*

In October, I got diagnosed with another mental illness that I had such a hard time accepting that I have. I had so much stigma surrounding it from my life experience that I hated the possibility that I might be the same monster that I had associated the illness with. Then, as the medication started working it's magic, I had to grieve. My life could have been so much easier years ago if any of my professionals had taken my request to get tested for it seriously. The medication was a game changer, but the adaptation to said medication was also extremely hard as finding the right dosage is a process that takes a long time!

In November, I was able to start to recognize my own needs and regulate myself - before the spiral hit, but it also made me feel like I was going backwards in my healing journey because I was noticing when situations were too much and exiting said situation. I started being able to be unapologetically myself and show up authentically for myself. I looked in the mirror and started identifying my issues and how to deal with them by myself. I started figuring out what exactly I wanted out of life and started putting the work in towards specific goals. Life was sure to throw a few curve balls my way during this time, but I was impressed at how much better I handled them.

And that brings us to this month, a full circle of a year, December. This month has been a month of paperwork and hard decisions. I said goodbye to another friend. I am leaving this year with only 1 person (outside of my family) that I started the year with or had over the year's time. I lost a lot of my fears this past year. I was faced with a wave of sadness earlier this month when I realized that I no longer have any interest in a third child. I mean, maybe one day, but I have had to start a new medication to handle a overactive immune system condition that I have - and I cannot get pregnant while on the treatment.

The last 12 months have been hectic and crazy. They have been filled with a lot of losses and struggles. But they have also led to immense growth within me. The last friendship I lost hurt when they said that they were walking out of my life, but they seemed surprised when all I said was "ok." I had a few questions that they answered, but I am not begging anyone to stick around. I deserve people who are willing to meet me in the depth where I live: deep feelings, deep thoughts, and the simple pleasures that life brings.

Like that old saying goes, "if you love them, let them go, for if they return, they were always yours. If they don't, they never were." -Kahlil Gibran I love each of my connections deeply, but they don't always feel the same way and sometimes are scared of my personal feelings despite me letting them know that those feelings do not need to be reciprocated for my happiness. Love by itself, makes me happy. However, I have no interest in trapping someone or caging them. I can always make new friends and new connections because each friend and connection only lasts for a season - to be enjoyed during such time and then released in the end.

Typically I feel immense grief that lasts for quite a while whenever someone walks out of my life, and I did grieve, but it only lasted a day or 2. My new medication is very helpful in letting the emotions pass without me getting stuck in them. I was worried that seeing them would cause feelings of missing or longing... and I was genuinely surprised when there was nothing. I am very thankful for that. My dreams are still infected with the promises made and my feelings about being let down by yet another individual's over-estimated promises to me, but I am praying that those go away shortly as well.

I am hoping and praying that the year's worth of intense changes, and the whirlwind of having so many people walk out of my life, means that 2025 has great things in store for my little family. I am learning the meaning of simply accepting that people will do whatever they want to do and that my peace requires me to "let them." I am strong and resilient enough to handle whatever life throws at me with God by my side. He has always provided exactly what I needed, when I needed it - especially in the past year! *smile*