A Troubled Past

“Slim”!!!!!! My voice rang as I called his name from the hallway closet. “Yes, babe”, he replied in a deep baritone voice. The sound of his voice would carry me miles away each time I heard it. Did I really deserve him? Does he really even know me? Does he really even deserve me? Do I really even know him? This was the constant battle in my mind. Two people loving one another but neither of them really knowing the other? How did we get here?

You see it started years ago. I was a fish who never swam in the sea. Living in my own bottled-up world, and help captive by my circumstances. Worried about everything under the sun and never tasting freedom. I was a serial independent woman. He was a serial free man. In other words, I was always independent and dared anyone to make me otherwise. He on the other hand carefree and maybe not as responsible as he should be. But he told me that when he saw me, he knew that I was meant to be his. I was always baffled by this. How could he be so sure? I mean after all, I come with so many attachments.

To explain it better, I don’t have the most delightful past. At the age of twelve, my mom left and my dad sent me to be raised by my paternal grandmother. I would only spend summers with my dad. My paternal grandmother was a force to be reckoned with. She taught me how to manipulate men to get exactly what I wanted. Let’s just say I had a natural talent for it. I used this gift to survive all the way up until I met Slim. I’ve never really had to work hard for much of anything.

My grandmother had a boyfriend named Boa. Boa would always say I was the most pretty little girl in town. When I turned 16, he asked if his nephew (Brian) could take me to his senior prom. My grandmother obliged. I’d seen his nephew before and knew he wasn’t my type. I told my grandmother no way would I want to be seen with that guy. My grandmother looked me sternly in my eyes and said, “It’s not about what you like, it’s about what you can get”. She told me that if I could make a man feel wanted, that I could control him. She also slyly mentioned the fact that my dad had been unemployed for the last 3 months and had stopped sending his monthly payments which helped us get by from month to month. She said that Brian’s parents were well off and that I should strive to be with Brian as much as I could.

After prom I realized how much Brian wanted to be popular and seen as cool. Eventually, I met his parents and they loved me. His older brother always joked about Brian never being able to get a girl. Everyone was shocked that he was with someone as pretty as me. I did what I was taught. I made Brian feel wanted, even though I never really liked him, and in return each time he got his weekly allowance from his parents he would give half to me. I used the money to take care of me and my grandma. Occasionally, I’d splurge and buy new clothes or shoes.

Boa saw right through me and threatened to tell Brian to avoid me at all cost. Well, my grandmother got involved and told Boa that if he ruined my relationship with Brian that she would be done with him for good. Boa and my grandmother always had a tumultuous relationship. She once pulled a pocket knife on him and in a weird way this made him respect her more. I think he liked the no nonsense, fearless, cursing woman that she was.

Needless to say, I dated Brian all the way until I was 19 and he was 21. When I graduated high school, I went to the same college as Brian. I majored in political science because I wanted to be a lawyer. My dad had ended up in jail right after my seventeenth birthday for robbing a jewelry store. He always said he was innocent and that the actual criminal was his first cousin whom resembled his looks by way of very similar physical characteristics. All I wanted was to help my dad to one day be free again. When I got to college, I continued to use Brian and any other guy who fell victim for a pretty face and a smile.

Brian was so busy trying to keep up with me that he lost focus and started to fail his college classes. I felt bad, but I had to continue to do what I needed to survive for my grandmother and I. His parents caught wind of what was happening.

One day I got a phone call. It was Brian’s mom. She made me an offer that I couldn’t refuse. $20,000 to transfer colleges and to never contact Brian again. She said I could expect payment once I had officially transferred to a college out of state.

I accepted with a cringy feeling in my gut. I mean Brian was a good guy, but just not my type. I transferred to Wallexin University, over 600 miles away from Brian. His mom wanted me as far away as possible. About a week later, I received a package in the mail. It was from Brian’s mom. It felt kind of thick, and much heavier than I expected. I opened the package. Inside I discovered a little black notebook. I flipped through the pages. Each page had the words, “Please Never Contact My Son Again”. Tucked inside the very last page was the check. $20,000.

Soon after, I met new friends at my college. One night my roommate and I went to a local bar. That’s where I met Slim. He approached me from across the room. His first words were, “Hi pretty lady”. I immediately wondered if he could be of any benefit to me.

Fast forward to a few years later, Slim and I are still going strong. For the first time I think I actually love someone beyond what they can do for me. I do sometimes still think about Brian. I wonder if things tuned out better for him after I left. Most importantly, I wonder if Slim would still love me if he knew about my past?????