A Mother’s Strategic Guide for Her Son

Ethan,

I must begin by expressing my gratitude for your willingness to assist with the shed roof. Before you embark on this domestic expedition, I feel compelled to furnish you with a few preemptive advisories—consider this a tactical briefing for surviving your grandfather in his current state of obsessive concern.

1. Grandpa is operating in extremis.

Since the roof’s lamentable detachment, Grandpa has not experienced anything resembling genuine sleep. What he may interpret as rest is, in reality, a trance of worry. Approach him with caution. Prodding or jest at this juncture would be inadvisable.

2. This is not merely a superficial roofing issue.

To your youthful eyes, it might appear that a few misplaced sheets of felt constitute a minor inconvenience. To Grandpa, however, this is a crisis of existential magnitude. Every loose tile represents a breach in the very fabric of domestic order.

3. Harness his desire to help—wisely.

While he is undeniably grumpy and excessively meticulous, he does wish to be contributory. Permit him to measure repeatedly, check and recheck alignments, and offer his unsolicited wisdom. This is not caprice; it is the exercise of control that soothes his anxiety. Patience, Ethan, is paramount.

4. Implement the “biscuit strategy.”

A packet of digestive biscuits resides beneath the kettle. Should you require sustenance for the purpose of self-preservation, utilize these. Do not anticipate Grandpa’s generosity; he is preoccupied, not inhospitable. A discreet biscuit in hand may preempt verbal tirades.

5. Inclusion is critical.

Even the most irascible patriarch requires acknowledgment. Hand him nails, permit him to examine your work, allow him the illusion of oversight. A grumpy bear thrives on inclusion, exclusion being tantamount to provocation.

6. The hammer is verboten.

Past attempts at participatory carpentry have resulted in injury and hospital excursions. For both your safety and the maintenance of familial equilibrium, Grandpa must not wield a hammer. Under no circumstances.

7. Ladder diplomacy is essential.

Anticipate Grandpa’s insistence on ascending the ladder for inspection. Expect tremors, instability, and an unrelenting stream of commentary. Your task is to stabilize the ladder, nod approvingly, and internalize that this display is not a critique of your competence—it is merely Grandpa negotiating chaos.

8. Prepare for relentless inquiries.

Endless questions regarding measurements, alignment, and adequacy of materials are to be expected. These queries are procedural rather than personal; respond with patience and occasional affirmatory nods.

9. Roof testing is a non-negotiable finale.

Before departure, Grandpa will conduct a thorough test—likely involving a hosepipe. Consider it a ritualistic demonstration of due diligence. Offer tea to fortify both of you against the cold and monotony of the process.

10. Tea and biscuits: instruments of diplomacy.

During testing, ensure that both of you are adequately fortified with tea and biscuits. Small acts of sustenance can forestall agitation and maintain civility.

11. Financial discretion is advised.

A remittance has been sent to your sister for your labor. Do not mention it. Grandpa’s focus must remain unbroken on the structural integrity of his roof; your remuneration is irrelevant in this context.

12. Maternal absence is strategic.

I have situated myself at Aunt Claire’s for the duration. My absence is tactical; it prevents any further complications from arising due to my presence and ensures that you can exercise agency without maternal interference.

Finally, Ethan, remember to restore order upon completion. I anticipate a tranquil evening, with a favorite show awaiting my attention and the domestic sphere in a semblance of harmony. Your diligence, patience, and deployment of tea, biscuits, and tact will be critical to achieving this desired equilibrium.

Thank you for your willingness to engage with this complex operation. Remember: patience, diplomacy, and sustenance are your most valuable tools.

With love and quiet exasperation,

Mum xx