A letter

It’s the most perfect night. Not humid but warm enough that a slight breeze is refreshing. Feeling the coolness from the ocean water in the wind. The sky is beautiful. A perfect midnight blue, the stars look magnificent in the luminescence of the moon. Making you feel so incredibly small. With the smallest clouds, perfectly scattered across the horizon. Just endless mystique. Such breathtaking elegance across the ocean water. But the most breathtaking sight was that of my wife. Between the moonlight on her face and that infectious smile she wore upon her lips. The way her eyes lit up like a kid at an amusement park. Full of pure bliss and happiness. Being energized by the moon. I almost wished time would have stopped, it seemed like it had for a moment. I wish I could have captured this moment on film. The way she ran through the sand. As if she didn’t have a care in the world and she damn sure didn’t. Even when she faced a fear of hers and climbed up that life guard tower just to sit with me on it and enjoy the view and each other. With my head in the crook of her neck and her arms wrapped so tightly around me as if she were afraid to let go. As if to lose me. Even when we had noticed an unidentified animal in the sand and her first instinct was we have to get out of here. Time wasn’t real. You could just feel the love in every touch, every word, every laugh, every tease, every look. She takes my breath away. My heart swells at the memory. Walking through the sand in our bare feet. We wrote the story of us in the sand that night. Starting with our names. Bonded, together forever. Sharing glances of pure unconditional love. Kisses filled with such passion and commitment it made my knees weak. The beating of our hearts together as we embraced one another. Every part of my body is always set on fire the second she grazes my skin. Even when she’s near and not physically touching me. I know she can feel it. In this moment I know love.

When I turn around, I can’t find her, sifting through the dunes of sand that are now piled higher than me. As the waves are sky high, crashing way past the shoreline. Crying out for her to come back. Crying back for my heart, that I had chased away. Burdened with me because I was unaware of how to heal myself. The more I tried to heal us and her, the less I was healing myself. I was foolish to believe that I could successfully work on myself, knowing all the damage I need to heal from, and work on all the damage I have caused within our union at the same time. By helping me, showing me the tools to heal myself, I was killing her. I didn’t want to lose her. I couldn’t. She’s my everything and then some. My whole universe. My whole heart. My whole being…

Then I wake up, covered in sweat. My heart about to explode out of my chest. “What had I done?” Reaching for her next to me. Only to be met with the cold sheets next to me and my runny thoughts. Going over everything in my head. Over and over and over again. In this moment I know pain. In this moment I know heartache. Heartache like I have never felt before. My soul was crushed. My whole body, just hurt and depressed. It was my fault because I couldn’t just do certain things that were so simple, so incredibly simple. Things that would have never been a problem had I just gotten myself in order first. Upon finding myself again and tapping back into who I am, I’ve hurt her so much. I wasn’t solely focused on healing myself from these past traumas that I had single handedly ruined the best thing that had ever happened to me. Self sabotage.

Now I must let you go. I must let you heal and you can’t heal here with me now. Maybe you can. I must let you be happy. I must let you be great. I can only hope that one day I will be able to reintroduce myself as myself to you. So you can That I do love you so much. Always have, always will. Never any intentional Ill will towards you ever. Not once, even if it came off that way. I’ll always have your back and I miss you all the time. I hope that one day you’ll be able to see that. I hope that one day we find each other again.



XxX - H