5 Steps Necessary for Active Listening in the Parent’s Discussion with the Child

A parent who learns about active listening in the conversation with the child takes an essential step for a harmonious relationship. Communication - sending and receiving a message properly - does not come naturally, as we believe. Communication is one of the skills learned and perfected throughout life through socialization.

Many say they are great listeners - but in fact, they only hear part of the message, only what they can understand,d and often, only what helps or interests them! Studies show that a person retains between 25 and 50% of what he is told.

What about the rest? Active listening helps you in any relationship, not just talking to your child. But it is vital for communication with a child or adolescent, precisely because there is a significant gap between him and the adult. Active listening doesn't just make you a good listener: it improves your ability to influence, negotiate and avoid conflict.

What is active listening in the discussion with the child - but also with others?

Active listening is learned - find out what it means and then practice! It takes practice to master the skills of this type of communication. Some works offerr you exercises, through which you and a partner learn how to perfect this skill.

Active listening means paying attention not only to the words heard but to the whole message - to take into account the non-verbal and especially to penetrate the meaning of the words - what emotions are expressed. Giving full attention is just the first step - you still need to make sure you receive the right message and reflect the emotions expressed by the other person. Sounds complicated? Not so - read the necessary steps and then practice!

Necessary steps in active listening in the discussion with the child:

Step 1: Make sure you give your child your full attention. Don't get distracted by things around you. Don't interrupt if the child tells you something, wait for him to finish what he has to say.

Don't assume that what you are already saying is important or that it doesn't matter - for a child, a problem that seems small to you can be intense. Don't bring your own opinions and preconceptions, but try to pay attention, thinking that what you are told is important to the other person, so it matters! As long as you pay attention to what you are being told, don't think about what you will answer for now!

Step 2: Show them that you are paying attention. It will help both of you to show clearly that you are extremely careful. Stay focused on the discussion if you make gestures that you understand and especially if you repeat what you are told.

This way you make sure that you understand correctly what your child is sending you and that you are showing him that you are paying attention. Just because you repeat what you are told does not mean that you agree - it is that you are trying to understand the message correctly.

Do not rush to contradict or discuss your own opinions until you have properly understood what you are being told. Have you ever wondered when you were telling someone if the other person was listening to you and understanding you? You need to understand not just the words but what they tell you.

Step 3: Understanding = empathy. So the main goal is to understand. And what do you need to understand? Not the words, but the emotions or the needs they convey! One important thing: do not come up with preconceptions, already formulated thoughts, and personal judgments! You need to work on empathy - the keyword in active listening in talking to your child.

What does empathy mean? Pay attention to the full message and look at things through the eyes and mind of the child, not through the eyes of your judgments! Reflecton what is being conveyed to you and you will see if you understand correctly: "I understand that you tell me that", "it seems that you mean that". If you don't know exactly what the child wants to express, ask, "What do you mean by"? The words are not as clear as you might think! After the child tells you something, reflect on what he said.

Communication with the child

Step 4: Transmitted emotions. Once you think you have understood the message, think about what the child wants to get through the message. Use statements without introducing your judgments. It reflects not only the words spoken, but the feelings of the other person regarding the situation being discussed.

For example: "Are you telling me you were mad at me for punishing you, does that mean you're nervous because you have no power in the house?" Try to think not only about the message itself but about the emotions it conveys. "Are you sad because?", "Are you worried about"? Use this type of phrase: feel because.

Emotions are more important: if the child tells you that he is sad because of something, it is more important to reflect the emotions, not to understand the cause of the emotion! This is how you show that you can truly understand in depth.

Not only does the child feel appreciated and listened to, but he has the chance to hear his thoughts and emotions expressed by someone else and to think more deeply about them. Until now, the main goal has only been to truly understand using active listening in conversation with the child. What's next?

Step 5: Solutions, conclusions. If you show him that you listen to him, the child will feel cared for, appreciated, respected! It is much easier to reach a common denominator in communication, despite the gap between generations.

Towards the end, reflect on the other person's thoughts and emotions once again to make sure you understand. If all goes well, it's time to dump her and move on. It is best to ask "what do you think would solve", "what would you like to change"?

Or explain to them how they can handle the situation. Such a discussion is extremely useful when the child does not understand certain actions of the parents or when he has a problem in his life - at school, with friends, etc. If something is unrelated to you, after listening WITHOUT interrupting, give your child your own opinion.

But the most important thing is that by actively listening in the conversation with the child, you do not control everything and do not impose yourself, letting him express himself, to hear what he is saying, and to think of solutions and understand himself.

The essential rule: there are so-called blockages in communication, which stop effective listening and proper response. These are, in short: unsolicited advice before listening to everything (show that you are not too interested); parental sermon: "you should have", "if you didn't" (you look like you're thinking from your perspective); sarcasm, irony; pause; comforting the child without really giving feedback: "don't be afraid, it will be good" (but how will it be good?); changing the subject through jokes, hoping the child will forget; "why" questions (don't ask them to justify themselves, but try to understand for themselves what they feel, what they think and why, in what context).

How do you start a discussion? Sometimes the baby doesn't come to you, thinking you can't help it. If you notice something wrong, it is essential to review what you might feel at that moment, depending on how you are behaving and the cause.

And start a conversation: "Looks like you're upset today. Do you feel that way because…? ". Many times, children remain closed to themselves and all you can do is try to reflect on what they are feeling, without judging or directly asking "why are you so upset".

Read more about active listening in the conversation with the child: it is a much more effective solution than preaching, advice from preconceptions, morals, threats, or criticism…