5 Key Considerations Before Marriage

It seems that a gradual increase in people preferring to live together has added to an equally rapid decline in the desire to marry. For example, in 2020, there were 85,770 marriages in England and Wales, the lowest number on record since 1838 - down from 36 marriages per 1,000 people in 1991 to less than half that number (17.9 per 1,000) in 2019. Additionally, the average age at marriage in England and Wales has risen much higher. From the mid-twenties for both genders three decades ago, it is now 35.3 years for men and 33.2 for women, and 60% of these unions are civil ceremonies

The situation is almost replicated in the USA, especially with the religious element, with only 46% of recent marriages being religious ceremonies, as both countries move increasingly away from religion to a more secular society. The marriage picture is repeated across the Pond. For example, there were 2.2 million marriages in 2021, the lowest number since 1969, representing a steadily falling rate - from 9.8 marriages per 1,000 people back then to 6.1 marriages per 1,000 now. However, though the age for marriage has also risen, there is a clear 5 year difference with American couples on marriage (30.6 years for men and 28.6 years for women, average).

As well as the increasing cohabitation rates, the decline in marriages in both the UK and the US is primarily due to a number of factors, including the later age at first marriage, declining religious affiliation, and economic uncertainty. People are increasingly reluctant to take vows in the current climate, citing the high cost of divorce, if it does not work out, and the need to feel secure about certain elements of living together.

With those reservations in mind, if a couple is serious about each other, to the extent of desiring marriage, communication is of the essence before taking committed vows and setting up home together. In essence, there should be no taboo topics before people get married because the act of discussing personal preferences actually show the personalties and priorities of the two people involved. However, there are five major topics of discussion that need to be aired to assess personal priorities and mutual alignment:

1. How you feel about having children. You would both need to ensure you have the same perspective on this issue to avoid any unexpected surprises. Otherwise one person is going to be very disappointed later on if the desires are different, allowing resentment to creep in.
2. How the finances are going to managed. For example, will you both still keep your individual accounts while creating a joint new account for household expenditure? (which is the best way). Everyone has their own way of dealing with money within a relationship, hence why it is important to have a mutually agreed approach to this, and not have any guesswork on it that is likely to lead to resentment and accusations later on.
3. Leisure preferences. Do you both like doing the same things, or have different likes in leisure activities? This is an important aspect because couples stay together through what they SHARE with each other. While there should be space for each party to continue their self-development in independent ways, knowing the leisure interests beforehand should make for a more enjoyable time for both, and keep resentment at bay, especially when money has to be allocated to any activity.
4. The personal priorities you will have for the home. It means you will both be agreeing on what is most important to start your lives together when you settle down, and will avoid conflicts in choice and perspectives from the beginning. For example, would it be careers or family first? Will there be division of labour in the household so that one person isn't doing everything? For example, having to clean the toilet every time while the other person just enjoys it is no kind of aphrodisiac or appreciation.
5. How the in-laws will be managed to avoid undue interference. Often parents can affect the state of a relationship just by their presence, their thoughtlessness, or keenness to see things done their way, instead of leaving it to the couple to work out for themselves. This needs to be discussed as early as possible so that both parties can feel comfortable with each other’s relatives who will also be aware of the boundaries.

If the answers to these five issues are agreed beforehand, everything else should flow more smoothly from them. Above all, they should provide the couple with a strong and secure starting point for their relationship, based on mutual agreement and trust, regular communication, understanding, reliability and personal appreciation.

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