3 Pillars of Shame

Friendzoned

I was the one that wanted to be your exception. The one that made the difference for you. You closed your heart to everyone and yet, once you entertained dating, I wasn’t even on the list. Friend zoned again only to be someone’s braids maid but never the bride. You laid your statement so it’s clear to me, yet I’m still led on like Nicolas cage to bees. 

There come moments when you want to blame everyone for your sadness. Blame one person for giving you pleasure, blame one person for falling in love with you, blame one person for giving you lifelong trauma, blame one person for taking what short time you have with someone. You want to blame even your family for your sadness but it’s all a facade to hide the truth. The idea of hating yourself for not being good enough. Not good enough for anyone to the point where you devalue yourself.

Abandonment

The idea that you go so far to rely on the hope that it continues to die in front of you and part of your soul goes away because all you are is a friend or brother. Like a robot programmed to love but not be loved. To attract those filled with darkness and unhealthy programming. Unable to find a match to match with unless I settle. The feeling of last time when one of you hung me against the wall as I watched you walk away. Troubled with deadly sins that control us all, gluttony and lust become the demons of desire. Waiting to make its host devour the soul and erase the hope within.

Relive the moments of pleasure to remind yourself of happiness, in hopes to forget the pain that was endured for the sake of others. You fear falling too hard and hurting yourself in the process. Carry too many scars and weights that you desperately are in search of someone to find and love you like someone used to. From a psychological perspective, if you weren’t loved fully or haven’t had your needs met as a child, you grow up having trouble finding yourself and struggle with needing that love and care from others. Thus, neglecting yourself as you were once neglected as a child.

Shadow and Soul

You said we are equals but is that true now? You become two while I’m stuck in one. I was warned about you and set to prepare for practice. You hide behind your words as if it’s your superpower. You treat a pet like a child, with negative reinforcement with toxic words. Like a toy you’re willing to throw it away when it gives you more trouble than peace. Similar to a newborn child, the pain comes more than the pleasure. The joys arrive in between the annoyance. Babies need patience and guidance. No torment and neglect. Like a fire when you see a spark, you’re ready to blow it all up and go for the tragedy. Damaged thoughts rage in as the unthinkable surfaces.

You take a step back as you see what was thought. An act of protection to keep it from erupting. Make two as you dispose of the remainder. What is left is you and your maker. Unknown comfort in the trauma of truth, you want what you want and the rest should shoo. Work for what you want and damn the rest, be happy with the result or punish the best. Your mind like Norman bates is protective of a truth. Unable to share with anyone, until death becomes you. Let me suffer and proceed with the pain, no longer try to contact unless your body has been put to shame. Shifted morality is your heart of hearts, what’s a reality for everyone is dark either way because of the sharks.