3 books that will change your relationships

In my work with couples and families, I am often asked about reading material that would supplement or sometimes replace therapeutic work around relationships. There is a lot that can change through reading, reflecting and taking action and it’s far cheaper than most therapies around.

So, if you’re someone who actually reads the books you buy (rather than simply collecting them and expecting the knowledge within their pages simply transfer itself into your mind while you sleep… or is that just me??) then you might like the following list.

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Esther Perel: Mating in Captivity

This is a great book for people who want to explore the concept of intimacy within monogamous relationships.

Esther Perel is a couples therapist who completed research on intimacy in long term relationships. She talks about this research within the book, alongside anecdotes from her work with couples in a way that is engaging and inspiring.

One of her key ideas is that love needs closeness but intimacy (or eroticism) needs space. From this follows the logic that monogamous relationships which are high in love (and security) can lead to a reduction in eroticism and desire. What a snag! She shares some ideas about how different couples might do that, some rather more surprising than others.

There are also chapters on power dynamics in relationships and how this impacts on desire and eroticism, infidelity and what it means for monogamy, patterns of being loved and loving others, the impact that parenting can have on intimacy and much more.

It’s an inspiring, intoxicating book that is sure to spice up your relationship.

If you’d like a copy, you can get one here, while supporting our small social enterprise and local independent bookshops as it’s an affiliate link.

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Amanda Ripley: High Conflict

This is an incredible book about conflict in many forms and within various different kinds of relationships. Ripley tells us about Gary, a divorce lawyer who developed a style of mediation and encourages separating couples to explore the “understory” of their conflict (much like we might talk about a couples needs and desires in therapy rather than focusing on who is going to do the washing up — hence my favourite phrase: “It’s not about the broccoli”!)

We also hear from Ripley about gang violence, what contributes to the conflict in terms of a sense of belonging, in-group and out-group dynamics, shared values, family loyalty, and how people can be helped to step away from the conflict using different strategies.

There are also sections on politics, political divides on a large scale and also some entertaining and familiar sounding stories from Gary who got into local politics only to realise that he was a better mediator than he was a politician.

There are also invitations to think about certain people or processes that might escalate conflict unhelpfully — conflict entrepreneurs, for example — which might encourage you to think about who you have as advisors and whether they are working for you or whether the conflict is working for them.

It’s a helpful book in that it externalises and normalises conflict. It helps us to see that there is healthy conflict (which could also be known as the energy for change) and unhealthy or “high” conflict, which is unproductive, energy sapping and detrimental to our health and to our goals.

If you’d like a copy of this one, if you use this link, our social enterprise will receive a small donation as it’s an affiliate link.

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Sue Johnson: Hold Me Tight

This is a calming, connected and incredibly interesting read about relationships from an attachment perspective. Johnson acknowledges her love of John Bowlby’s work — give me Bowlby over Freud any day of the week! She also explains why attachment thinking in adult romantic relationships is quite different from the individualistic, often pathologising discourse about adults who are usually raised to be independent or self-sufficient (think “co-dependent”, “enmeshed”, “fused” compared with what Bowlby called “effective dependency”).

Thinking more about our attachments in childhood (our experience of being loved and cared for) helps us to understand how we think about love in adulthood, and the patterns we get into with loved ones. It also offers some understanding of our sense of being secure and insecure in adult relationships, and the impact this has on our behaviour towards the people we love.

There are chapters on recognising unhealthy patterns of communication or “the negative cycle” as I often call it, finding our “raw spots”, navigating rocky roads, forgiveness, traumatic wounds and bonding through sex and touch, to name a few.

It is a great book, I feel centred and calm every time I read even a page. There is a lot to learn about our own attachment processes and how these affect our day to day interactions with others within the pages — whether or not you’re in a relationship at the moment.

If you would like a copy of this book, you could use this link here and support independent book shops and our little social enterprise by doing so (it’s an affiliate link).

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These are three of the books I recommend most often for people who want to read things that will help them to improve their relationships. Buying them isn’t enough. Reading them isn’t enough. Reading them, reflecting on yourself and your relationships, talking to people about what you’ve learned, considering different perspectives, trying things out, noticing what difference those things make and doing more of the things that are helpful — that is what is likely to bring about change.

If you read them or have read them and you’d like to connect about them, please comment or follow and we can talk more about them. If there are other books you’d like an opinion on, please let me know that too :)