Whitmer's Journal

10/13/2020

It's been about two weeks since I've left him. Andrew. My former best friend and former boyfriend. We weren't together all that long. Romantically, at least.

We were friends for much longer than that. He was the first person that I came out to. That I'm a trans man and that I'm asexual. Andrew even helped me get away from my parents. Who were way less than thrilled with my coming out. Helping me pick out a new name too. Which is now, Brahms. Silly, but it makes me feel more like myself. I really thought that he cared about me. But sadly, it just wasn't true. He didn't really support me. Just wanted to use me. At least that's what I feel about this. Mostly thanks to the fact that a little while after we started dating, he would 'accidentally' use my dead name. Sure, he'd apologize and tell me that it wouldn't happen again. Then he'd call me it again after a couple of weeks. Use the wrong pronouns, name, and would even call me his 'girlfriend'. Apologize. Correct himself. It wouldn't ever last all that long.

Our arguments even got this treatment. Where he'd use my dead name in a mean way. Like sort of mockingly cruel. Which he'd apologize for later. But it really made me uncomfortable. Like he was doing this to undermine me. Or something to that effect. I'm not entirely sure what to call it. Other than it just really hurts. I think he knew how much it did, too.

It almost ended our relationship a few times thanks to that. I've almost moved out a few times too. But he had convinced me to stay every single time. That he would change. I'd believe him. We'd go back to our usual routine. For a few weeks at least. Then he was back to his old tricks. Or maybe he really did just forget. I'm not all that certain.

Andrew was also very smothering towards me. Never really gave me space when I asked. Would hold me for far too long. Even when I struggled to get away from him. Especially, when I struggled to get away from him. His arms used to feel so safe. Then they slowly felt like a trap. One that I had no means to get out of. These weren't the only reasons why I left Andrew. The main reason is that I found out he stole my birth control. Which was pills. And messed with my hormone injections. Making me think I took my injections. And he had replaced my pills with fake ones. Still not sure how he managed that one.

But he did.

And we may have been using condoms. Though sometimes they would rip. Which I think he would do on purpose. Maybe. I can't be entirely sure. Only found out about the pills and hormones through his texts. He'd been texting his mom about it. Which I only got to read about thanks to him leaving his phone with me. Unlocked too.

I know it was wrong to read his texts. But I couldn't help myself. Thank everything I couldn't. It sickens me that he would do that. That he would try to get me pregnant without my consent. So, I packed some stuff in an overnight bag and checked myself into a hotel. Contacted a friend from work to help me with the search. Thankfully, they agreed to help me out. It took weeks of searching. But we finally managed it. Avoided all of Andrew's calls and texts. Begging me to come home, telling me that he was sorry for what happened, and he didn't mean to harm me. Which was definitely a lie. Blatantly pretended he wasn't real when he came to my place of work. Hid myself in the break room too. I'm so glad the cafe's break room is well hidden and not accessible to customers. As he's shown up four times to 'talk'. The last time he got banned for making a scene. The police were even called thanks to his behavior.

So, I'm safe at work now. And my landlord won't let him into my building. So, I'm safe there too. Safe, single, and never seeing him again. Hopefully, he'll move on, and I'll be living my life how I want. That he finally gets the hint.

Hopefully.

Sincerely, Brahms Whitmer.