When The Coldness Lifts
My Entry for the First Round of the NYC Midnight 250+ word Microfiction Challenge 2024
I was sitting at the top of the stairs, as I did often, with Benson, my one-eyed bunny— a gift from Nana — by my side. The musky scent of dust, mould and stale cigarettes hung in the air. The dank stench that has been here as long as I have.
Only once had I felt real warmth in another’s home, different from that in my own. A friend from school once invited me over for dinner and a movie. An intensely grainy Mary Poppins VHS was a welcome change from the blankness of my bedroom or the wall opposite my seat at the top of the stairs, where I now sat. Mother always found faults in their house.
I was never warm enough again. I was one of those unlucky ones who was naturally cold.
Nana said my mother had a sickness of the mind. It wasn’t her fault. My scalded flaking skin, when I dared defy her, was not her fault. She’d never apologize, only tend to the wounds. The dressings served as a reminder. I wondered if she ever felt sadness or shame.
If she ever did, I never saw it. Even as she lies bedridden, choking on her last breaths, there’s no sign of remorse. For two days, I’ve held my vigil, unsure whether she sees me. On the anniversary of my death, after years of being a shadowy visage, our eyes finally meet again as she lets go, surrendering to Death’s grasp.
The coldness finally lifts.
*
Thanks for reading!
Author's Notes: Thought there was a mistake, so reverted it to Drafts. I was wrong, lol. As noted in the subtitle, this is my entry for the 1st round of NYC Midnight's 250+ word Microfiction Challenge. I was placed in group 74 which meant I was given the genre "Ghost Story", the action "surrendering" and the word "remind" that had to be featured in the story somewhere. I decided to go with a very sad and rather unconventional ghost story.
This was put forward for the challenge in November, so it is the longest I've held back from sharing a story on Vocal and first time, beyond family and friends, that I've shared it on a different platform. I had to wait to 10 days after the round results were posted before posting. It was part of spreading my wings and seeing what it might be like to get feedback on something I wrote outside of Vocal and to see if I could progress, place and win.
You get feedback as a standard for your entry, regardless of whether you place or not. Mine was very favourable, and even the negative feedback was at least constructive. So I found it to be a good experience, even though I didn't progress. I have made some slight alterations to the story before publishing it here, taking on board some of their suggestions, while ignoring some of the others. The reason being, is that I believe they were more down to preference than real issues.
But I have not fiddled with or altered the actual story.
Thanks again for reading and I just want to say that I appreciate anyone, regular or not, that stops and reads my stuff, likes it and, particularly, comments on it. There. Enough nicey nice talk.
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About the Creator
Paul Stewart
Award-Winning Writer, Poet, Scottish-Italian, Subversive.
The Accidental Poet - Poetry Collection out now!
Streams and Scratches in My Mind coming soon!
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Comments (22)
Very intriguing story and nice twist for such a short story. I think you did very well given the prompt and word count constraints. Great job!
You create such an atmosphere and an intriguing plot in so few words, Paul—awesomely done!
I loved this! It was a very unique way of writing a short ghost story! Exploring different platforms and contests is tough, but always a worthwhile experience one way or another even if it's to find out what you don't like. I've heard about this contest a ton but never found it as interesting as now. Maybe I'll give it a shot at some point! Your story makes it seem so cool!
Hmmm, I've been debating branching out too. This definitely gave me some food for thought on the whole trying other contest idea... I also love the idea of feedback, so you made this seem very appetizing! Also, loved the reveal at the end of the story where we found out the boy is a ghost! Very clever!!
Sad I know as we get older the constant cold feeling. It’s nice how you did this
Enjoyed the story thoroughly, Paul. And my wife could certainly relate to feeling cold at all times. Sixty-five degrees Fahrenheit today & she never took her sweatshirt off. For Christmas I found a sweatshirt on Temu that said, "Of course, I'm cold! - Me 24:7". I had to buy it for her.
I love the ending. And well done. I admire everyone who is brave enough to enter these challenges. I bet you’ll do really well next time because you’ll have more of an idea about what they’re looking for. Well done again!
Well, I'd say you did an excellent job. In fact, I believe I just did!
This is a wonderful and very atmospheric entry, Paul! Thank you for sharing it!
I liked it. I need to get mine out here too. I'd forgotten about it! Will you enter again?
What a story to make one think of death and dying and maybe becoming a ghost of sorts. Good job.
Interesting the way you describe her breath escaping the body, I've often considered breath as life and not death although both could be used interchangeably....
Paul with the 6th Sense twist at the end. Great work. Hard to write microfiction that ends on a resounding note without some sort of Shyamalan twist at the end. And glad you took my advice and worked in the feedback where it made sense. A lot of times I find myself taking feedback when I already thought there might be a weak spot that now an external/objective person is pointing out. Oh, and you forgot to thank people for their super insightful Reader Insights 😉 Definitely not a weird holdover from the time before comments.
Love what you did with your prompts, Paul! This really is a great micro with such a compelling character voice! That's always something I struggle with but it's so important in driving pieces. And definitely don't sweat not moving on! I did every NYC Midnight challenge last year and only legitimately moved on to a second round for one. The feedback does tend to be nit picky stylistic stuff sometimes but some of it is helpful. Anyways, I really enjoyed checking this out and you should be proud of it!
I’ve heard of the challenge before, but don’t know much about it. Thanks for explaining how it works. I like the direction you went in regarding ‘ghost story’. It’s very good. You are very concise. How much feedback do they give? Paragraph, page, few sentences? 🙂 How long do you get to write it?
Well-wrought with an interesting twist!
This is a great story and I wish it had got further. You know you are a good writer and you will go further in the future.
But then what happened to Benson? This was an awesomeeee Paulitical story!
Nice entry! I would love to the NYC Midnights challenges more often, but they are so expensive. The furthest I got was the second round. Anyway, thanks for sharing this piece.
Now that is a perfect ghost story.
This is wonderful! Written in an old fashioned film noir style, like the 1920s radio shows. “His cigarette glowed at the tip, its bright red embers flying off and lighting up the face of his suspect. It was then he realized he wasn’t alone, see, and fists would have to fly if he was to make it out of the tiny dark room alive!” Well written, great job!
Wow it felt very familiar to my inner world I still go through with my mum since the start to the now Your writing stayed the same exact as inner space where one can dive in and found everything that should be thrown and expressed and the way You do it through writing is really naturally genius of whatever subject You take You are really great writer and it goes deeper and deeper into that space that give the reaser with similar experiences comfort of a being exactly the one that some of us might never be able to feel since the coldness of parents left us lacking it the paradox through your writing One do get that comfort of not being alone with it and keep it calm