Walk On Water

The day began just like any other, awoken by my sweat, shirt dampened, hair wet. yup. Normal morning for me, although, I can't decide whether or not this is normal. Did I mention, it's only 3am in the morning? Yeah, that's also normal.

It's said, that in the 3 o'clock hour, is when the spiritual world is most awake... or something like that. Perhaps, I just don't like the idea because religion actually will say this is the evil hour. The hour when the demons stroll- strolling through our dreams, entering without notice; let alone our permission! Twisting our truths, altering them in such away, that we awake and we have forgotten. Into the shallow waters of forgetfulness. What comes into the darkness of my soul and takes over these dark waters inside?

My husband tells me I was screaming last night. However, not the kind of screams you think. The one thing different from any other morning, was awaking with a course throat. This made sense, suddenly, I recalled just a brief moment- having screamed as if a demon was inside of me, scratching my vocal chords. That's why my voice hurt this morning. I could recall it so clearly, yet, I was frightened.

How could this be? Residing inside of me, was a pool of shallow, deep, pitch black, murky water. So close, yet, I cannot reach inside and save my own self... from myself. The ultimate nightmare had begun. Morning, after morning, I awoke with a new story to be told about myself.

The one thing I am responsible for in this life, is myself. The one thing I should be able to control, is myself. Nighttime became this dreadful walk into the waters that seemed to have control of me. Almost, like a quicksand- no matter how many times I said no, or said stop, nothing changed- I was sinking. Awaking daily, feeling defeated, feeling as if this life was enough and I was ready to start over; with a new life. I didn't want this life anymore if I failed at controlling it. I was tormented by day and by night. PEACE was hidden from me.

The darkness within these waters pulled me even deeper, it became more than the screams. Loss of control had me helpless from myself, now I hit in my sleep. This Morning I was startled awake by socking my nightstand- punched it so hard, I made it hit the wall. "Ouch!" My hand is bruised now... and part of my forearm. I am scared to sleep next to my husband now, so I sleep on the couch. What has become of me? Who am I even- if I can't even control ME? I was drowning and I couldn't even lifeguard myself!

It's been six months, and much has changed, and I think I finally trust myself to sleep next to my own hubby. Finally.

Turns out, that black murky pool of water inside me was PTSD. Yeah. Night-Terrors. Being terrorized by your own fears and by the control you are losing in your waking life. No matter how hard I tried, No matter how much I did or didn't do, Nothing could have stopped my grandfather from passing.

Nothing. I realize this now, but I was fighting so hard to keep him as my protector, my safe haven. Losing my grandfather, meant I lost my childhood too. At least, it felt like it. My grandparents house was my escape from home-life. Every Friday night, was pizza night & a movie. Saturday mornings, My grandmother would take me to Ballet .

I was not a child at my own house, I was a burden, a nuisance, a slave and just something in the way. I wasn't allowed to even acknowledge that I was a somebody. "Who do you think you are?"- to which, I was expected to respond by saying, "Nobody".

The waters inside me, was really all that I had hidden inside of me. These Shallow waters were where I was told to stay. It was what I was told I deserved growing up. As if, coming out of these waters, would be a remembrance of who and what I was born to be. As if healing these traumas, were meant to be part of my reason, part of my strength.

So, like a Phoenix, I am rising out of these waters. I shall use these waters as my strength, and, indeed, walk upon the waters, I SHALL!!