Villainess Review: Mrs. Colbert (Tales from the Crypt)

How I loved Tales from the Crypt as a kid, and yes, I'm serious when I say "as a kid." The trend of horror/suspense anthology series continued on as the 1980s concluded, as HBO (during the early years of the network's heyday) delivered with Tales from the Crypt, which premiered on June 10, 1989. Every half hour for seven seasons until the final episode on July 19, 1996, the series delivered a different story which manly focused on horror and suspense, with just a slight bit of humor as well. The host for this series was the "Crypt Keeper," whose voice was provided by the legendary John Kassir for all seven seasons.

The series also spawned an animated series, Tales from the Cryptkeeper, which aired for two seasons in 1993 and 1994 as part of ABC's Saturday morning lineup, and for a third and final year on CBS in 1999. Three movies also came as a result of this: Demon Knight in 1995, Bordello of Blood (one of my favorite obscure vampire films) in 1996, and Ritual in 2002. A reboot series had been planned at some point in the 2010s, but after being in developmental hell for years, it was shelved. I remember watching the reruns on my local Fox network at different time slots, and one episode in particular was "The Secret."

The opening takes place at an orphanage, and the central orphan in this story is Theodore, who is seen sneaking into the kitchen before being caught by the head of the orphanage, Miss Hagstead. Two women run the place--Miss Hagstead and Miss Heather, though the latter has a warm touch, while the former is colder than the Seattle Kraken's offense (so far) this season. As Miss Hagstead implies, Theodore's backstory is quite shaky, we know his parents are deceased, but that's it--plus there's something about Theodore himself.

Later on, an eccentric couple, only known as the Colberts, are looking to adopt Theodore, and Miss Hagstead just hops on the chance, while dodging all sorts of questions about Theodore's parents. Theodore leaves the orphanage with his new adopted parents and heads to his new home, which is the definition of "palatial estate." As for Theodore's room, it's littered with all sorts of sugary foods, my goodness. They are all served up by the home's hired butler, Tobias, and as the episode progresses, a bond between Theodore and Tobias begins and increases. That, however, is the only positive in Theodore's new life, as the Colberts often leave him in his room while they go off to do God-knows-what.

One night, Theodore overhears some sort of conversation between Mrs. Colbert and Tobias, and it involves Theodore himself. Right after this, we see Tobias pick up Theodore and tell him that they had to get out of the house. However, their escape plan is thwarted by the appearance of Mrs. Colbert, who reveals that an arrangement between the Colberts and Tobias had been made: he gives them Theodore, and they give immortality to Tobias, and it's followed by Mrs. Colbert (in her immensely gorgeous attire) revealing herself as a vampiress. Tobias refused to give up Theodore, only for Mrs. Colbert to voice her plan to take him. Tobias ends up attacked and killed by Mr. Colbert, while his wicked wife hisses in sadistic glee.

Theodore escapes, only for the couple, along with their dog, Lilitu, to pursue the young boy--while a full moon hovers over all of them. At that moment, the Colberts catch up to Theodore, who reveals that he knows what happened to his parents, and also knows why Miss Hagstead was in a rush to get him adopted. Theodore had his own secret: he was a werewolf. After transforming under the full moon, he lunged at Mrs. Colbert and killed her, and did the same to her vampire husband. In the final moments, Theodore returns to the orphanage, and informed Miss Hagstead that he is fully aware of all of his secrets, and ominously informed her that there would be "changes" made.

Before I talk about the villainess, I have to talk about Theodore's parents. When Theodore said, "Now I know what happened to my parents," for years, I went, "Really?! Because I don't!" The episode kinda ended without any resolution to that, but I swear, it wasn't until I rewatched this once again a day prior that I finally put two and two together. For a long time I thought that the Colberts had somehow tracked them and killed them. In the immortal words of Adrian Monk, "Here's what happened." I think that Theodore had been a werewolf for his entire young life and hadn't known it, and one night under a full moon, he transformed and killed his parents, with his reveal in the climax pretty much being an eye-opener. Clearly, Miss Hagstead knew, and kept it from him all that time. So yeah, that has to be it.

"The Secret" was Tales from the Crypt's second season finale, and aired on July 31, 1990. The episode featured the legendary Grace Zabriskie as the evil Mrs. Colbert, and regarding her, I have a little story to tell. One night, at around the midnight hour, I--around 11 years old at the time--watched this episode for the first time. When that climax commenced, and Mrs. Colbert came out in her evil vampire look, I was absolutely enraptured. Again, it's that change in attire in heel turns. Look at the top photo; Mrs. Colbert has that typical aristocratic look, that "old money" look for most of the episode. Once she's revealed as an evil vampiress, we see the wild hairstyle, and quite the sexy garment and cape. Don't get me wrong; Mrs. Colbert was amazing as a whole, as was Zabriskie's performance in the episode. However, Mrs. Colbert's heel turn in that climax was a thing of beauty in more ways than one, and seeing Zabriskie act out her character's sadistic demeanor, as well as show off her sexy vampiress look? Well, there's not enough chef's kisses in the world for that epic scene.

Barely over three months after this episode aired, Grace Zabriskie played one of her most memorable movie roles in her career: orphanage owner (how ironic!) Grace Poole in Child's Play 2. Grace ran the orphanage that Andy Barclay lived in until the Kincaids adopted him, and of course, Grace is best known for her character's death scene, when Chucky comes alive in her arms and stabs her to death. Zabriskie is also known for playing Sarah Palmer, the mother of the ill-fated Laura Palmer, on Twin Peaks, and we Seinfeld fans definitely know her as the mother of the also ill-fated Susan Ross, with Twin Peaks co-star Warren Frost playing Susan's father.

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Check out Mrs. Colbert's profile on Villainous Beauties Wiki!